
A man will believe anything that does not cost him anything.
*
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are
lost.
*
A miser is a fellow who lives within his income. He is also called a
magician.
*
A misplaced decimal point will always end up where it will do the
greatest damage.
*
A narrow mind has a broad tongue.
*
A perfectly calm day will turn gusty the instant you drop a $20 bill.
*
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in
his mouth.
*
A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will happen
tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards why
it didn't happen.
*
A seeming ignorance is often a most necessary part of worldly
knowledge.
*
A sense of decency is often a decent man's undoing.
*
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
*
A stockbroker is someone who invests your money until it is all gone.
*
A yacht is a hole in the water, lined with wood, steel, or fiberglass,
through which one pours all his money.
*
Academic rivalries are so intense because the stakes are so small.
*
Activity is the politician's substitute for achievement.
*
Adam Smith revisited: Work creates Wealth, which is then Redistributed
in the holy name of Social Justice. That is to say, what is mine is
yours, and his, and hers, and theirs...
*
Adventure is no more than discomfort and annoyance recollected in the
safety of reminiscence.
*
Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.
*
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
*
All things are possible.
Except skiing through a revolving door.
*
All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin
person.
*
All turtle thoughts are of turtle.
*
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
*
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy and Jill a wealthy widow.
*
All's well that ends.
*
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
*
Although I may disagree with what you say, I will defend to the death
your right to hear me tell you how wrong you are.
*
Always address your elders with respect; they could leave you a
fortune.
*
Always convice those whom you are about to deceive that you are acting
in their best interests.
*
Always forgive your enemies - nothing else annoys them as much.
*
Always mistrust a subordinate who never finds fault with his boss.
*
Ambition is the curse of the political class.
*
Among economists, the real world is generally considered to be a
special case.
*
An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a
complex, incomprehensible truth.
*
An economy cannot afford high tech unless it has a basic structure of
other industry to provide the savings that will support high tech
until it begins to pay off.
*
An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.
*
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
*
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he
knows absolutely everything about nothing.
*
An infinite number of mediocrities do not add up to one genius.
*
An open mouth oft-times accompanies a closed mind.
*
An unhappy crew makes for a dangerous voyage.
*
Anger is never without an argument, or with a good one.
*
Any appetite is its own excuse for existing.
*
Any component, when inadvertently dropped, will roll into a hiding
place, the inaccessibility of which is proportional to the square of
the component's irreplaceability.
*
Any contract drawn in more than 50 words contains at least one
loophole.
*
Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete.
*
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated terms.
*
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
*
Anyone can handle a crisis.
*
It's everyday living that kills you.
*
Anyone in good enough condition to run three miles a day is in good
enough condition not to have to.
*
Art is a passion pursued with discipline; science is a discipline
pursued with passion.
*
As scarce as truth is, the supply invariably exceeds the demand.
*
As the rabbit said, if that ain't a wolf, it's a hell of a big dog.
*
Ask your children what they want for dinner only if they are buying.
*
At best, life is a spiral and never a pendulum. What has been done
cannot be undone.
*
Don't ASSUME because you will make an ASS out of U and ME.
*
Bad weather forecasts are more often right than good ones.
*
Bankers are the assassins of hope.
*
Basic research is what you do when you don't know what you are doing.
*
Be a corporate good citizen; hire the morally handicapped.
*
Be kind to your web-footed friends; that duck may be a buyer.
*
There's no intelligent life down here.
*
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.
*
Behind every successful man is an astonished mother-in-law.
*
Bend the facts to fit the conclusion. It's easier that way.
*
Beware of all enterprises requiring new clothes.
*
Black holes are outa sight!
*
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the earth.
*
Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the crap.
*
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.
*
Blessed be he who is called a big wheel, for he goeth around in
circles.
*
Bosses come and bosses go, but a good secretary lasts forever.
*
Bullshit baffles brains.
*
By the time most of us have money to burn, our fire's gone out.
*
Celibacy is not hereditary.
*
Cheer up.
The first hundred years are the hardest!
*
Children are a comfort in your old age, and they will even help you
reach it.
*
Civil servants are neither civil nor servile.
*
Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.
*
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any
system which depends upon human reliability is unreliable. You can
rely on it.
*
Confidence is the feeling you had before you knew better.
*
Construct a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want
to use it.
*
Crisis management works beautifully until an actual crisis occurs.
*
Da trouble wit computers is, dey got no sense of humor.
*
Days you attend top-level meetings and days you get hiccups tend to
fall on the same dates.
*
Degeneration and evolution are not the same thing.
*
Desperate diseases require desperate remedies.
*
Did you know that if you maintain a cholesterol-free diet, your body
makes its own cholesterol.
*
Diogenes is still searching.
*
Distrust your first impressions; they are invariably too favorable.
*
Don't be afraid to take a big step. You cannot cross a chasm in two
small steps.
*
Don't be so humble...you aren't that great.
*
Don't get married if you are afraid of solitude.
*
Don't hit a man when he's down unless you are damned certain he won't
get up.
*
Don't wear earmuffs in a bed of rattlesnakes.
*
Don't worry about what other people are thinking of you. They're too
busy worrying about what you are thinking of them.
*
Dr. Faustus, call your service.
*
During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the
country.
*
Economics is the only calling in which one can have a lifetime
reputation as an expert without ever once being right.
*
Education confers understanding, knowledge, and competence; schools
confer degrees.
*
Enthusiasm wanes, but dullness lasts forever.
*
Eternity is a terrible thought...where will it all end
*
Even Mason and Dixon had to draw the line somewhere.
*
Even the most faithful believer can serve a false god.
*
Every calling is great when greatly pursued.
*
Every family tree has some sap.
*
Every institution tends to perish through an excess of its own
policy.
*
Every society professes the existence of inalienable human rights;
most, however, are somewhat vague as to just what they are.
*
Everybody's death simplifies life for someone.
*
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
*
Everything east of the San Andreas Fault will eventually plunge into
the Atlantic Ocean.
*
Everything not forbidden by the laws of Nature is mandatory. Trouble
is, nearly everything is forbidden.
*
Example is not the main thing in influencing others; it is the only
thing.
*
Excellence is an option that is renewable.
*
Expectations should not determine whether or not one acts, nor how.
*
Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give you the
most gorgeous weeds you ever saw.
*
Experience is a good teacher, but submits huge bills.
*
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.
*
Extinction is the ultimate fate of all species.
*
Extreme boredom serves to cure boredom.
*
Extreme sorrow laughs; extreme joy weeps.
*
Extremely happy and extremely unhappy men are alike prone to grow
hard-hearted.
*
Facts cannot prevail against faith, or adamant folly.
*
Failure is a measurement that depends on the standard applied.
*
Fear is no great respecter of reason.
*
Feed the wolf as you will; he will always look to the forest.
*
First secure an independent income, then practice virtue.
*
Fools belittle that which they do not understand.
Cynics belittle everything.
Midgets simply belittle.
*
For a man of fortitude, there are no walls, only avenues.
*
For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
*
Freedom can be lost as surely tax by tax, regulation by regulation, as
it can be bullet by bullet, missile by missile.
*
Freedom is for everyone. Or no one.
*
Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.
*
Get too many irons in your fire and you'll put it out.
*
Give all orders verbally. Never write down anything that might go into
a "Pearl Harbor file".
*
Give me an example of pro and con.
Progress and Congress.
*
Given that Nature limited the intelligence of Man, it seems unfair
that she did not limit the stupidity of Man.
*
God can't alter history, so he created historians.
*
God has Alzheimer's disease; he's forgotten that we exist.
*
God made everything out of nothing. But the nothingness shows
through.
*
Government corruption seems always to be reported in the past tense.
*
Half of conversation is listening.
*
Have a nice day...somewhere else.
*
He is all fault who has no fault at all.
*
He who dies with the most toys, wins!
*
He who does many things makes many mistakes, but never makes the
biggest mistake of all - doing nothing.
*
He who endures, wins.
*
He who has been bitten by six dogs is legitimately suspicious of the
seventh.
*
He who leaves nothing to chance will do very few things wrong, but he
will do very few things at all.
*
He who lives on hope has a slender diet indeed.
*
He who looks too far ahead stumbles over his own boots.
*
He who would climb to the top must leave much behind.
*
He who would leap high must take a long run.
*
He who would pursue revenge should first dig two graves.
*
Hell is a city much like Newark.
*
Hell is not a place. Hell is what hurts worst.
*
History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided.
*
History occurs twice - the first time as tragedy, the second time as
farce.
*
Honesty in politics is much like oxygen.
The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes.
*
Honesty is the best policy - unless, of course, you are dealing with
your wife, your girlfriend, your banker, your employer, the I.R.S.,
your creditors...
*
How can you tell when a salesman is lying ?
When his lips are moving.
*
How come nowadays the word "honesty" is generally preceded by the
phrase "old-fashioned" ?
*
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
*
I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer for my friends who exercise.
*
If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does
an empty desk mean ?
*
If a problem causes too many meetings, then the meetings eventually
become more important than the problem.
*
If all else fails, read the destructions.
*
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they couldn't
reach a conclusion.
*
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
*
Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
not as they ought to be.
- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1911
*
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community
consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves,
making in all, two.
- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1911
*
Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
Yankee, n.     In Europe, an American.
In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander.
In the Southern States the word is unknown. (See DAMYANK.)
- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
*
The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.
- Josh Billings, "The Kicker"
*
Universal suffrage is the government of a house by its nursery.
- Otto von Bismarck
*
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
- Derek Bok, 1978
*
The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children.
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer
*
Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed.
If I fail, no one will say, 'She doesn't have what it takes.'
They will say, 'Women don't have what it takes.'
- Clare Boothe Luce
*
Censorship, like charity, should begin at home,
but unlike charity, it should end there.
- Clare Boothe Luce
*
No good deed goes unpunished.
- Clare Boothe Luce
*
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
- Victor Borge
*
Nothing is built on stone; all is built on sand,
but we must build as if the sand were stone.
- Jorge Luis Borges, 1972
*
We never know whether we are victors or whether we are defeated.
- Jorge Luis Borges, "Borges On Writing", 1974
*
It is possible to store the mind with a million facts
and still be entirely uneducated.
- Alec Bourne, "A Doctor's Creed"
*
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. If we continue
to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant
may prove to be our executioner.
- General Omar Bradley
*
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
*
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
*
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first,
and call whatever you hit the target.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
*
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
- Sam Brown, in "Washington Post", 1977
*
Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.
- Matthew Browne, "Lilliput Levee"
*
As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically
reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children.
- Anita Bryant, 1977
*
Before you kill something make sure you have something better
to replace it with; something better than political opportunist
slamming hate horseshit in the public park.
- Charles Bukowski, "Notes of a Dirty Old Man", 1969
*
We love your adherence to democratic principles.
- George Bush speaking to Ferdinand Marcos, June 1981
*
The final lesson of Viet Nam is that no great nation
can long afford to be sundered by a memory.
- George Bush, 1989 Inaugural Address
*
The caribou love [the Alaska oil pipeline].
They run up against it, and they have babies.
- George Bush, 1988
and again "New York Times", 3 April 1989
*
It would be inappropriate for the President of the United States
to try to fine-tune for the people of Hungary how they ought to eat -
how the cow out to eat the cabbage, as we say in the United States.
- George Bush, quoted in "Philadelphia Inquirer",
13 July 1989
*
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
- Nicholas Murray Butler
*
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense
to know how to lie well.
- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 1912
*
Marriage is distinctly and repeatedly excluded from heaven.
Is this because it is thought likely to mar the general felicity?
- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 1912
*
For truth is always strange; stranger than fiction.
- Lord Byron, "Don Juan", 1818
*
The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds;
and the pessimist fears this is true.
- James B. Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" 1926
*
Men willingly believe what they wish.
- Julius Caesar
*
It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies.
- Arthur Calwell, 1968
*
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.
- Simon Cameron
*
Every revolutionary ends up either by becoming an oppressor or a heretic.
- Albert Camus, "The Rebel", 1951
*
When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality.
- Al Capone
*
You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun
than you can with a kind word alone.
- Al Capone
*
Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work.
- Al Capp, in "Esquire", 1970
*
It is long accepted by the missionaries that morality is inversely
proportional to the amount of clothing people wore.
- Alex Carey
*
Because of the greatness of the Shah, Iran is an island of stability
in the Middle East.
- Jimmy Carter, 31 December 1977
*
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" till you can find a rock.
- Wynn Catlin
*
As long as people will accept crap,
it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
- Dick Cavett, in "Playboy", 1971
*
Everything beautiful has its moment and then passes away.
- Luis Cernuda, "Las Ruinas"
*
I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women,
French to men, and German to my horse.
- Charles V, King of France
*
In some cases non-violence requires more militancy than violence.
- Cesar Chavez
*
The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
*
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly,
or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.
- Chuang Tzu
*
I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill
*
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
- Winston Churchill
*
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most times he will pick himself up and carry on.
- Winston Churchill
*
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings;
the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.
- Winston Churchill
*
Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
- Winston Churchill, Speech, January 1952
*
Preparation, knowledge, and discipline can deal with any form of danger.
- Tom Clancy, "THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER", 1984
*
Who will protect the public when the police violate the law?
- Ramsey Clark
*
It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God,
but to create him.
- Arthur C. Clarke
*
You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
- Eldridge Cleaver, 1968
*
The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less.
- Eldridge Cleaver, "Soul on Ice", 1968
*
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.
- Georges Clemenceau
*
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
- Confucius
*
When we see persons of worth, we should think of equaling them;
when we see persons of a contrary character,
we should turn inwards and examine ourselves.
- Confucius
*
Imprisoned in every fat man a thin man is wildly signaling to be let out.
- Cyril Connolly, "The Unquiet Grave" 1945
*
Slums may well be breeding grounds of crime,
but middle class suburbs are incubators of apathy and delirium.
- Cyril Connolly, "The Unquiet Grave" 1945
*
Truth is a river that is always splitting up into arms that reunite.
Islanded between the arms the inhabitants argue for a lifetime
as to which is the main river.
- Cyril Connolly, "The Unquiet Grave" 1945
*
Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones
who will be writing about you.
- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 1983
*
Youth is a period of missed opportunities.
- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 1983
*
The past is the only dead thing that smells sweet.
- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 1983
*
You shall judge a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
- Joseph Conrad, "Lord Jim", 1900
*
The horror! The horror!
- Joseph Conrad, "Heart of Darkness", 1902
*
I love Vermont because of her hills and valleys, her scenery and
invigorating climate, but most of all because of her indomitable people.
- Calvin Coolidge, Speech, 21 September 1928
*
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
- Laurence Coughlin
*
There are no atheists in the foxholes.
- William Thomas Cummings, 1942
*
Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days.
An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to
make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day.
- the 14th Dalai Lama, interview in "TIME",
11 April 1988
*
The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time
of great moral crises maintain their neutrality.
- Dante
*
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,
and the second half by our children.
- Clarence Darrow
*
There is no such thing as justice - in or out of court.
- Clarence Darrow, Interview, April 1936
*
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President;
I'm beginning to believe it.
- Clarence Darrow
*
The world is full of people whose notion of a satisfactory future is,
in fact, a return to the idealized past.
- Robertson Davies, "A Voice from the Attic", 1960
*
There is no such thing as a nonracial society
in a multiracial country.
- F. W. de Klerk, President of South Africa,
quoted in _Time_, 11 September 1989
*
There are a million ways to lose a work day,
but not even a single way to get one back.
- Tom DeMarco and Timothy Lister, _Peopleware_, 1987
*
People are always talking about tradition, but they forget we have
a tradition of a few hundred years of nonsense and stupidity, that
there is a tradition of idiocy, incompetence and crudity.
- Hugo Demartini, in "Contemporary Artists", 1977
*
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly
and safely insane every night of our lives.
*
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
- Robert Frost
*
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
- Robert Frost, "Stopping by Woods on a
Snowy Evening", 1923
*
We compound our suffering by victimising each other.
- Athol Fugard, in "The Observer", 1971
*
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
*
The most important thing about Spaceship Earth -
an instruction book didn't come with it.
- R. Buckminster Fuller,
quoted in "Contemporary Architects", 1980
*
It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree.
It's what you do with your life that counts.
- Millard Fuller, in "Time", 16 January 1989
*
Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
*
Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing
between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
*
The modern conservative is engaged in one of man's oldest exercises
in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral
justification for selfishness.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
*
I could prove God statistically.
- George Gallup
*
He who awaits much can expect little.
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez,
"El Coronel no Tiene quien le Escriba"
*
Si Dios no hubiera descansado el domingo
habr¡a tenido tiempo de terminar el mundo.
(If God hadn't rested on Sunday,
He would have had time to finish the world.)
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez,
"Los Funerales de Mam  Grande", 1974
*
No creo en Dios, pero le tengo miedo.
(I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of Him.)
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez,
"El Amor en los Tiempos de C¢lera", 1985
*
The true statesman is the one who is willing to take risks.
- Charles de Gaulle, 1967
*
If you can count your money you don't have a billion dollars.
- J. Paul Getty
*
Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.
- Andr‚ Gide
*
In hell there is no other punishment than to begin over
and over again the tasks left unfinished in your lifetime.
- Andr‚ Gide
*
We are not abandoning our convictions, our philosophy or traditions,
nor do we urge anyone to abandon theirs.
- Mikhail Gorbachev, UN address, 7 December 1988
*
The truest wild beasts live in the most populous places.
- Baltasar Gracian, "The Art of Worldly Wisdom" 1647
*
Thirty days hath November,
April, June, and September,
February hath twenty-eight alone,
And all the rest have thirty-one.
- Richard Grafton, 1562
*
I think when a person has been found guilty of rape
he should be castrated. That would stop him pretty quick.
- Billy Graham, 1974
*
The illusion that times that were are better than those that are,
has probably pervaded all ages.
- Horace Greeley, "The American Conflict", 1864-1866
*
If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
- Motto of the Green Berets
*
Heresy is only another word for freedom of thought.
- Graham Greene, 1981
*
It's round the world I've traveled; it's round the world I've roamed;
but I've yet to see an outlaw drive a family from its home.
- Woody Guthrie, "Pretty Boy Floyd"
*
Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.
- Alex Hamilton, "The Listener", 1978
*
The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers.
- R. W. Hamming, "Numerical Methods for
Scientists and Engineers", 1973
*
War will cease when men refuse to fight.
- Fridtjof Hansen
*
In times like these, it is helpful to remember
that there have always been times like these.
- Paul Harvey
*
Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived
and how he died that distinguish one man from another.
- Ernest Hemingway, quoted in "Sunday Times", 1966
*
Is life so dear, or peace so sweet as to be purchased
at the price of chains and slavery?
- Patrick Henry
*
All is flux, nothing stays still.
- Heraclitus
*
There is nothing permanent except change.
- Heraclitus
*
Some actions have an end but no beginning; some begin but do not end.
It all depends upon where the observer is standing.
- Frank Herbert
*
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that
brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass
over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner
eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
- Frank Herbert, "Dune", 1965
*
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
*
186,282 miles per second:  It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
*
355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!
*
A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
'Yes' merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
-- Mahatma Gandhi
*
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
*
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.---- Carl Sandburg
*
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
of a divorce.
-- Don Quinn
*
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-- Mark Twain
*
A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
adds up to be real money.
-- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
*
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
*
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
*
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
*
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
have turned into a pile of dust.
*
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
*
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
*
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
*
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
*
A child can go only so far in life without potty training.  It is not
mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
-- Dave Barry
*
A child of 5 could understand this!  Fetch me a child of 5.
*
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
*
"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
won't cross the street to vote in a national election."
-- Bill Vaughan
*
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
-- Herbert Prochnow
*
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read.
-- Mark Twain
*
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
*
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
*
"A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper."
-- Dyer
*
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
-- Ben Franklin
*
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
lantern.--Edgar A. Shoaff
*
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
*
A day without sunshine is like night.
*
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
coat.
*
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
*
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
-- Ogden Nash
*
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
subject."
-- Winston Churchill
*
"A fool must now and then be right by chance."
*
"A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education."
-- G. B. Shaw
*
"A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used."
-- D. Gries
*
"A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular."
-- Adlai Stevenson
*
"A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
he could be elected Pope of Rome.  Both high posts are reserved for men
favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
facts of life in bandages of self-illusion."
-- H. L. Mencken
*
"A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened
into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
hope of greening the landscape of idea."
-- John Ciardi
*
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices."
-- William James
*
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
*
"A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction."
*
"A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing."
*
"A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
in than some that do."
-- Dennis M. Ritchie
*
"A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths."
-- Steve Wright
*
"A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
believe everything positively stinks."
-- Lew Col
*
"A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package."
*
"A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems."
*
"A nuclear war can ruin your whole day."
*
"A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space."
-- Gloria Steinem
*
"A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry."
*
"A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms."
-- George Wald
*
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
*
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
*
"Heavy, adj.:  Seduced by the chocolate side of the force."
*
"Heisenberg may have slept here"
*
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
-- Milton Friedman
*
The first myth of management is that it exists.
*
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.
*
"Hello," he lied.
-- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
*
"Help a swallow land at Capistrano."
*
"Help fight continental drift."
*
"Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!"
*
"Help stamp out and abolish redundancy."
*
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
*
"Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,
then they'd be algorithms."
*
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
-- W. C. Fields
*
"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
Do you have a car or a job?  Do you ever walk around?  If so, you
probably have the makings of an excellent legal case.  Although of
course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
motto is:  'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
-- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
*
"Hindsight is an exact science."
*
"Hire the morally handicapped."
*
"I have a very firm grasp on reality!  I can reach out and strangle it
any time!"
*
"I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
and they never believe me."
-- Camillo Di Cavour
*
"I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it."
-- Edgar Allan Poe
*
"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
that I have never made one."
-- James Gordon Bennett
*
"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to
make it shorter."
-- Blaise Pascal
*
"I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best."
-- Oscar Wilde
*
"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
*
"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
beating up a child."
-- Steven Wright
*
"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
at in the right way, did not become still more complicated."
-- Poul Anderson
*
"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
*
"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
*
"I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!"
*
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
-- Bill Hoest
*
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
-- Albert Einstein
*
"I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me."
-- Art Leo
*
"I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to
promote peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want
peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of
the way and let them have it."
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
*
I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours.
*
"I like your game but we have to change the rules."
*
"I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts.""
*
"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away."
*
"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
*
"I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation."
-- G. B. Shaw
*
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
-- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
*
"I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!"
*
"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
slob."
-- William F. Buckley
*
"I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope
they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em."
-- Will Rogers
*
"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
-- Graffito in Los Angeles
*
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full
house and four people died."
-- Steven Wright
*
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
-- Shirley Temple
*
"I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
too much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which
direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After
much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot
tub to face is up."
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
*
"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
*
"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
*
"I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes.  It's about Russia."
-- Woody Allen
*
"I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure."
*
"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
*
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
*
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere
near the place."
-- Steven Wright
*
"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch St.
Elsewhere', won't scream, FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE
HAW"!!'"
-- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
*
"I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows
up."
-- Will Rogers
*
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
didn't know.---- Mark Twain
*
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums."
-- Steven Wright
*
"I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
it took seven others to beat him!"
*
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
-- Gallagher
*
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
always worked for me."
-- Hunter S. Thompson
*
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
to undo it."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
snore."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in 'Y'."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
blender."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my
garage door."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
Julian to Gregorian."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for
static cling."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
cottage cheese sculpture."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
transplant."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
came back."
*
"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say
tuned."
*
"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
your wife will give you for free."
*
"A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
was intended for her preservation."
-- Colton
*
"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
-- Steel City News
*
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
*
"A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
the real reason."
*
"A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
rosewater."
*
"A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral."
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
*
"A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
that are worth committing."
-- Samuel Butler
*
"A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard."
-- Prof. Steiner
*
... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
-- Mark Twain
*
"A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows."
-- O'Henry
*
"A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures."
-- Daniel Webster
*
"A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author."
-- S. C. Johnson
*
"A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first."
*
"A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
triangle."
*
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
*
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students."
-- John Ciardi
*
"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
-- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
*
"A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
replaces it with."
-- Tennessee Williams
*
"A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous."
*
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
people's attention.
*
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
*
"Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy."
*
"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends."
-- Herbert Hoover
*
"Absence makes the heart go wander."
*
"You can lead a horse to water;
get him to float on his back & you`ve got something."
*
"When all else fails, read the documentation!"
*
"There's little worse than being peerless in a peer-review system."
*
"When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout."
*
Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency.
*
"Always draw your curves then plot the readings."
*
"It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money."
*
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
*
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it."
*
"Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying."
*
"An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it."
*
"Bedfellows make strange politicians."
*
Thoreau says..."Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes."
*
"If you wish to succeed, consult three old people."
*
Voltaire says..."Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly."
*
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
*
"A rolling stone gathers momentum."
*
"Ahhhhhhhh,                     I forget what I was going to say."
*
Organization is the enemy of improvization.
*
"On a clear disk you can seek forever."
*
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits."
*
Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
*
It works better if you plug it in.
*
"Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate."
*
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
*
"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
*
Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life.
*
"Pros are those who do their jobs well even when they don`t feel like it."
*
Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics.
*
"Variables won`t; constants aren`t."
*
"Interchangable devices won`t."
*
"Don`t force it, get a larger hammer."
*
"Love is a long term investment, not a quick return loan!"
*
"The unicorn is the only fabulous beast that does not seem to
have been conceived out of human fears."
*
"Dachshunds are really small crocodiles with fur."
*
"Peeping Tom was really Weeping Tom; he never really saw Lady
Godiva, just her horse."
*
"Boarding school is an excellent place to learn how to build
things with lumber."
*
"Treat her like a lady and she'll always bring you home."
Adm. Leonard McCoy
*
"The writer does the most who gives the reader the most
knowledge and takes from him the least."
*
"Man's mind stretched by a new idea never goes back to it's
original dimensions."
*
"If there is a 50-50 chance, 95% of the time you will choose
the wrong one."
*
"The strongest memory is weaker than the palest ink."
*
"To drift is to be in hell, to be in heaven is to steer."
*
"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inhibit the earth."
*
"Ocean: a body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world
made for man...who has no gills!"
*
"I don't mind dying, it's the business of having to stay dead
that scares the shit out of me!"
Tom Terrific
*
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like
that can't happen!"
Richard Nixon as a child, on the
Teapot Dome Scandal
*
"God gives us relatives...thank goodness we can pick our friends!"
*
"Apt words have power to suage the tumors of a troubled mind."
*
"Clear writers, like fountains, do not seem so deep as they
are; the turbid look the most profound."
*
"Will America be the death of English?"
*
"Style is the dress of thoughts."
*
"It is not the hand but the understanding of a man that may
be said to write."
*
"Science is a collection of successful recipes."
*
"The art of statesmanship is to forsee the inevitable and to
expedite its occurance."
*
"All things are difficult before they are easy."
*
"To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it."
*
"Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forward."
*
"Life is not a spectacle or a feast; it is a predicament."
*
"It is so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't
know much about the problem."
*
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain; and most fools do."
*
"Iran is between Iraq and a hard place..."
*
"Everything bows to success...even grammar!"
*
"The major difficulty in cutting down on government expenses
is that the expenses have the votes."
*
"HANGOVER: the wrath of grapes."
*
"TACT: The ability to make guests feel at home when you wish
that they were!"
*
"ALIMONY:  The cost of leaving."
*
"BACHELOR: A man who never makes the same mistake once."
*
"RADICAL: A conservative out of a job."
*
"The wages of sin are unreported."
*
"To eat is human; to digest divine."
*
"When Eve arrived, this was no longer a man's world."
*
"Most self-made men worship their creators."
*
"Hope is a good breakfast, but a bad supper."
*
"Things too stupid to be spoken are sung."
*
"Be an individualist.  He who follows another is always behind."
*
"A sharp tongue and a dull mind are usually found in the same head!"
*
"No one hates a job well done!"
*
"Average" is as close to the bottom as it is to the top.
*
"Never return a kindness---pass it on!"
*
"Counting time is not so important as making time count."
*
"Today's extravagance becomes tomorrow's necessity."
*
"Heads will have to roll!"
---Nancy Regan, 8/3/87
*
"It's important that I NOT know."
President Regan,
July 20, 1987
*
"Using the Ayatullah's money to support the Nicaraguans...
I think it was a NEAT IDEA!"
Lt.Col Oliver North
*
"A good man dies when a boy goes wrong."
*
"Success usually comes to those too busy to look for it."
*
"Just a little thoughtfulness brings alot of happiness."
*
"To a friends' house, the road is never long."
*
"You've learned to live with yourself when you can drive
around the block alone without turning on your car radio."
*
"Footprints in the sands of time are never made by sitting down."
*
"There is a special satisfaction in puzzling out a new
gadget...once you master the thing, you can begin to
understand the instructions that came with it!"
*
"Wealth is not his who has it, but his who enjoys it!"
*
"Instead of putting others in their place, put yourself in their place."
*
"Always keep your head up, but be sure to keep your nose on a
friendly level!"
*
"The man who never makes mistakes loses a great many
opportunities to learn something."
*
"An unusual child is one who asks questions that his parents can answer."
*
"Science has proof without any certainty.  Creationists have
certanity without any proof."
*
Birth, copulation and death.  That's all the facts when you come down
to brass tacks.
*
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee; THAT will do them in!
*
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations."
*
"I sometimes think that God, in creating man, overestimated his ability."
*
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?    A STICK!"
*
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest!"
*
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.
*
You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery,
are now extinct...
*
"The two hardest things in life to handle are success and failure."
*
"Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on people."
*
"Kissing is okay for awhile, but good cooking lasts forever."
*
"When the horse is dead, dismount!"
*
"Experience may be the best teacher, though there is not much
proof and the bills are terribly high."
*
"Health nuts are going to feel real strange someday... lying around hospitols,
dying of nothing."
*
"It may be true that hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?"
*
"If today were a fish, I'd throw it back in!"
*
"By Inflection you can say much more than your words do."
*
"Never let your feet run faster than your shoes."
*
"Life is like a good book...the further you get into it,
the more it make sense!"
*
"There is nothing in which the birds differ more from man
than the way in which they can build and yet leave a
landscape as it was before..."
*
"The real beauty of democracy is that the average man
believes he is above average."
*
"Education is more than a luxury; it is a responsibility that
society owes to itself."
*
"Spring is God's way of saying, "One more time!"
*
"The older you get, the more important is is not to act your age."
*
"The test of courage comes when we are in the minority.
The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority."
*
"Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all."
*
"Do NOT believe in miracles -- rely on them!"
*
"One child is not enough, but two are far too many."
*
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter much since nobody listens.
*
"Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies."
*
Confusion creates jobs.
*
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."
*
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
*
"Keep anything long enough and you can throw it away.
Throw is away and you will need it the next day."
*
"A crises is when you CAN'T say "let's forget about the whole thing!"
*
"When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get a busy signal."
*
"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
*
"No matter where you go....
there you are!"
*
"A free agent is anything but."
*
"Sooner or later, the worst is bound to occur."
*
"The other line always moves faster."
*
"If you like it, they don't have it in your size."
*
"If it's good, they discontinued it."
*
"If you don't throw it, they can't find it!"
*
"Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday."
*
"Wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the hairdo."
*
"Men and nations will act rationally only when
all other possibilities have been exhausted."
*
"A clean tie attracts the soup of the day."
*
"If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just become the expert."
*
"The only way to discover the limits of the possible
is to go beyond them into the impossible."
*
"Authority always tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them."
*
Win or lose, you lose.
*
"If you cannot convince them, confuse them."
*
"Nothing is ever done for the right reasons."
*
"It always takes longer to get there than to get back."
*
"Never eat anything bigger than your head."
*
"There is no limit to how bad things can get."
*
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
*
"You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it."
*
"Only God can make a random selection."
*
"Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough!"
*
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
*
"Even water tastes bad when taken on a doctor's order."
*
"Everybody is somebody else's weirdo."
*
"There is always one more bug."
*
There are no answers, only cross-references!
*
"When you finally see light at the end of the tunnel,
it will probably be a train coming towards you!"
*
"Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen."
*
"Mother Nature is a Bitch."
*
"The one time of the day you lean back and relax is
the one time of the day the boss walks through the office."
*
"Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, then on Sunday pray for crop failure."
*
"The bigger they are...the harder they hit."
*
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."
*
"When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue."
*
"One has the right to be wrong in a democracy."
*
"The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift."
*
"Chains do not hold a marriage together.  It is threads,
hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through
the years."
*
"In matters of conscience, the law of majority has no place."
*
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep.  That's
deep enough.  What do you want - an adorable pancreas?"
*
"It is a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept
anything but the best, you very often get it!"
*
"Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up."
*
"Anything that keeps a politician humble is healthy for democracy."
*
"The truth is NOT always dressed for the evening."
*
"To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing."
*
"Love is what you've been through with somebody."
*
"There is no greater loan than a sympathetic ear."
*
"America did not invent human rights.  In a very real sense,
it is the other way around.  Human rights invented America."
*
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
*
"If you aren't going all the way, why go at all?"
*
"One man's remourse is another man's reminiscence."
Gerald Horton Bath
*
"Among the porcupines, rape is unknown..."
*
"The more potent a man becomes in the bedroom,
the more potent he is in business."
Dr. David Reuben
*
"Men always fall for frigid women because they put on the best show."
*
"The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful
women and so little time."
*
"Marriage has many pains but celibacy has no pleasures."
Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
*
"The sexual drive is nothing but the motor memory of previously experienced
pleasure."
*
"You can be sincere and still be stupid."
*
"A little sincerity is a dangerous thing;
and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal."
*
"These IS a difference between philosophy and a bumper sticker!"
*
"Society is always taken by surprise at any new example of common sense."
*
"The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart."
*
"Girls who wear zippers shouldn't live alone."
*
"Never wear less alone than when alone."
*
"There is a suffciency in the world for man's need but not for man's greed."
*
"Our lifetime may be the last that will be lived out
in a technological society."
Issac Asimov
*
"Man has lost the capacity to forsee and forestall.
He will end by destroying the earth."
Albert Schweitzer
*
"Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing,
knew that nobody had said it before him."
*
"Only the past is immortal"
Delmore Schwartz
*
"Unless a woman has an amourous heart, she is a dull companion."
Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)
*
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
Groucho Marx
*
"The body of a dead enemy always smells sweet."
*
"The brain is as strong as its weakest think."
*
"It requires a very unusual mind to make an analysis of the obvious."
*
"By annihilating desires you annihilate the mind."
*
"Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue."
*
"Modesty died when clothes were born."
*
"Life shouldn't be printed on dollar bills."
*
"May you live all the days of your life."
*
"Free are those who dream dreams."
*
"Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought."
---Henri Bergson
*
"Mistrust first impulses, they are always good."
*
"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket."
*
"If advertising encourages people to live beyond their means,
so does matrimony."             ---Bruce Barton
*
"Advertising is legalized lying."
*
"Young gorillas are friendly but they soon learn."
*
"Don't jump on a man unless he's down."
---Mr. Dooley
*
"The time to relax is when you don't have time for it."
Sydney J. Harris
*
"To my embarrassment, I was born in bed with a lady!"
---Wilson Mizner
*
"Birth is the beginning of death."
---Thomas Fuller (1608-1661)
*
"Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true."
*
"I never knew a girl who was ruined by a good book."
---Jimmy Walker
*
"To limit the press is to insult a nation; to prohibit reading of certain
books is to declare the inhabitants to be either fools or slaves."
---Claude Adrien Helvetius (1715-1771)
*
"Assassination is the extreme form of censorship."
---George Bernard Shaw
*
"Literature should not be supressed merely because it offends the moral code
of the censor."
---Justice William O. Douglas
*
"A sodomite got very excited looking at a zoology text.  Does this make it
pornography?
---Stanislaw J. Lec
*
"Any country that has sexual censorship will eventually have political
censorship."
---Kenneth Tynan
*
"The ultimate censorship is the click of the dial."
---Tommy Smothers
*
"Character is destiny."
---Heraclitus (540-475? B.C.)
*
"Integrity has no need of rules."
*
"Intelligent discontent is the mainspring of civilization."
---Eugene V. Debs
*
"Civilization is a race between education and catastrophe."
---H.G. Wells
*
"When a course becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course."
---Peter Drucker
*
"It is a luxury to be understood."
*
"Public office is the last refuge of the incompetent."
*
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."
---Oscar Wilde
*
"The only completely consistant people are the dead."
---Aldous Huxley
*
"If you think before you speak, the other fellow gets his joke in first."
*
"Don't talk unless you can improve the silence."
*
"Beware of the man who goes to cocktail parties not to drink but to listen."
---Pierre Daninos
*
"A coward is a hero with a wife, kids and a mortgage."
---Marvin Kitman
*
"The bitter part of discretion is valor."
*
"Courage is grace under pressure."
*
"Have the courage to live.  Anyone can die."
---Robert Cody
*
"If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?"
*
"The more wit the less courage."
---Thomas Fuller (1608-1661)
*
"The past is but the beginning of a beginning."
--H.G. Wells
*
"An idea is a feast of association."
---Robert Frost
*
"A kleptomaniac can't help helping himself."
*
"Prisons don't rehabilitate, they don't punish, they don't protect, so what
the hell do they do?"
---Governor Jerry Brown
*
"Prison reform will not work until we start sending
a better class of peopel there."
*
"A critic is a legless man who teaches running."
---Channing Pollock
*
"I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise."
---Noel Coward
*
"Culkture is what your butcher would have if he were a surgeon."
*
"Men will sooner surrender their rights than their customs."
*
Death is mother nature's warning to slow down."
*
"In the long run, we are all dead."
---John Maynard Keyes
*
"We should weep for men at their birth, not their death."
*
"To die is landing on some distant shore."
*
"Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage."
---H.L. Mencken
*
"Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way."
---Daniele Vare
*
"America never lost a war or won a conference."
*
"England has civilization but no culture."
---Robin Mathews
*
"What is moral is what you feel good after."
---Ernest Hemmingway
*
"The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money."
---Joey Adams
*
"A husband is what is left of a man after the nerve is extracted."
---Helen Rowland
*
"It's innocence when it charms us, ignorance when it doesn't."
---Mignon McLaughlin
*
"Ignorance is the mother of research."
*
"Not ignorance, but ignorance of ignorance, is the death of knowledge."
---Alfred North Whitehead
*
"Ignorance is no excuse-it's the real thing."
---Irene Peter
*
"Immortality--a fate worse than death."
---Edgar A. Shoaff
*
"Spring---an experience in immortality."
---Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
*
"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he actually knows."
---Dwight D. Eisenhower
*
"Every child ought to be more intelligent than his parents."
---Charles Darrow
*
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself."
---Albert Camus
*
"A jury is composed of twelve men of average ignorance."
---Herbert Spencer
*
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide
who has the better lawyer."
---Robert Frost
*
"Justice is truth in action."
--Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)
*
"Justice is incidential to law and order."
---J. Edgar Hoover
*
"This is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice."
---Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
*
"Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person."
---Ethel Watts Mumford
*
"To know all things is not permitted."
---Horace (65-8 B.C.)
*
"Automatic"  simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.
*
90% of everything is crud.
*
A Project Manager is like the madam in a brothel. His job is to see
that everything comes off right.
*
A Smith & Wesson always beats four aces.
*
A bird in the hand is worth about three Kleenex.
*
A child's ability to endure likely stems from his ignorance of
alternatives.
*
A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind.
*
A closed mouth says nothing wrong; a closed mind does nothing right.
*
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
simple system that worked.
*
A computer makes as many mistakes in one second as three men working
for thirty years straight.
*
A conference is simply an admission that you want somebody else to
join you in your troubles.
*
A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog.
*
A fellow who is always declaring that he is no fool usually harbors
suspicions to the contrary.
*
A fool and his money are some party.
*
A friend in power is a friend lost.
*
A good listener not only is popular everywhere but also, after a
while, knows something.
*
A great deal of money is never enough once you have it.
*
A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
*
A major failure will not occur until after the unit has passed final
inspection.
*
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there
himself.
*
Every human social structure has developed to ensure the survival of that
structure...to the detriment of its human inhabitants.
*
Murphy's Law predicts the extinction of Gremlins...
when it's least expected.
*
Computers run on faith, not electrons.
*
Planning is the replacement of DECAY with Error. IF we plan by means of
data-processing, we can err faster and more accurately !!
*
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach, and the sea..
*
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
*
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
*
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human
mind to correlate all its contents.
*
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
*
Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves.
*
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
*
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of overtly
public intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
*
It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
*
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
*
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
*
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping centre in the world?
*
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
*
If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.
*
If you've seen one REDWOOD tree, you've seen 'em all.
*
You can't underestimate the power of fear.
*
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
*
You smash it - and I'll build around it....
*
College isn't the place to go for ideas.
*
Politicians should read Science Fiction, and NOT westerns or detective
stories.
*
It seemed that it was necessary for me to establish a "winner image".
Therefore, I have had to beat somebody.
*
Justice is incidental to law and order.
*
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
*
Get out of the road, if you want to grow old.
*
We are what we pretend to be. (most of the time!)
*
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
*
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
*
Anyone can afford hate. It costs you to love.
*
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
or becomes true.
*
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
*
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is...
...that it is comprehensible, at least in part.
*
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
*
A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
*
We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish.
*
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are ain't no good.
*
Please don't lie to me, unless you 're absolutely sure I'll never find
out the truth.
*
Please don't ask me what the score is....
I'm not even sure what the game is.
*
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
*
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
*
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
*
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the
wrong direction.
*
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely
overwhelm me.
*
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit
the target.
*
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without
passing through civilization in between.
*
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
*
If any aborigine were to draft an IQ test, all of Western civilization
would presumably flunk it.
*
The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
*
Sure there are dishonest men in local government!  But there are dishonest
men in national government too.
*
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
*
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
inevitable.
*
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be;
and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."
*
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
*
To know the world one must construct it.
*
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
*
An object never serves the same function as its image- or its real name.
*
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonderful.
*
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
*
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
*
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z where X is work,
Y is play, Z is keep your mouth shut.
*
FUN is hereditary. If your parents never had too much, then sorry!
but, the chances are that you won't either.  UNLESS you do something
about it... (but I am wrong sometimes!)
*
If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damn near zero.
*
BASIC is to PASCAL what AMERICAN is to ENGLISH
*
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
*
True, Computers aren't too reliable, but humans are
even more unreliable.
*
The only difference between the fool, and the criminal who attacks a system
is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front.
*
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
*
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there will be some
Federal, State or local LAW or (ordinance) (Byelaw) under which you can be
booked!
*
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the
first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
*
Nobody notices when things go right.
*
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
*
Whosoever diggeth a pit shall falleth therein.
*
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good
impromptu speech.
*
The unnatural, that too is natural.
*
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
*
But, He has not one redeeming vice.
*
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
*
'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.
*
"Science has proof without any certainty.  Creationists have certainty
without any proof"
*
"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood."
*
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations one
can do without thinking about them.
*
"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his MORAL standards upon 'B',
'A' is most likely a scoundrel"
*
"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
Christian Religion"
*
"In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty."
*
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations"
*
"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately"
*
"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"
*
"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained control of 
the country, it would probably fly around in circles"
*
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself"
*
"I don't drink water. Fish make love in it"
*
The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
*
To err is human, to compute divine.
*
Trust your computer but not its programmer
*
"I've seen many politicians paralysed in the legs as myself, but I've
seen more of them who were paralysed in the head"
*
"You don't have to explain something you never said"
*
"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry"
*
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
*
A computer program that RUNS is only software, that has not crashed...YET!
*
"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die"
*
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"
*
Life is not one thing after another.  it's the same damn thing over and over!
*
The meek will inherit the Earth..... The rest of us will go to the stars.
*
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
*
There is no remedy for fun but more fun (now) !
*
Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
*
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll
believe you.  Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have
to touch it to be sure.
*
"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and thinking 
what no one else has thought."
*
"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals"
*
I really hate this damn machine, I wish that they would sell it.
It never does just what I want, but only what I tell it.
*
"Fantasy, abandoned by Reason, produces impossible monsters; Fantasy when
united with Reason, is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels"
*
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it and hang it upon 
the wall instead of using it"
*
"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not 
a harbour."
*
We have met the enemy and he is us
*
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception
a necessity."
*
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
*
Big whirls have little whirls which feed on their velocity,
And little whirls have lesser whirls and so on, to viscosity.
*
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
*
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted to my kind
of fooling"
*
"Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!"
*
You can tell when politicians are lying...They move their lips.
*
There is ONE outstandingly important fact about our spaceship Earth,
and that is that No instruction book came with it!
*
Use it up ... Wear it out.
Make it do ... Or do without.
*
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World 
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
*
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
continuously until death do them part.
*
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
*
Mythology:      The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
origin,early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as
distinguished from the true accounts which it invents
later.
*
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
*
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
tellers?
*
Heaven:   A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while
you expound your own.
*
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of
interest is easy.
*
Life is like an onion. You peel off layer after layer, then you find there
is nothing in it.
*
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
*
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
*
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
*
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
writing.
*
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and
by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
*
Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
*
When in charge, ponder.
*
When in trouble, delegate.
*
When in doubt, mumble.
*
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
*
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
*
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
*
Deliberation:   The act of examining one's bread to determine which side
it is buttered on.
*
Optimization hinders evolution.
*
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
*
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
*
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
*
Celibacy is not hereditary.
*
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
*
When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified
your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer to a definite
problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.  In a way,
the next move is up to him.
*
Actor:          "I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act,
I had everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford: "Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!"
*
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
*
Barometer:      An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
weather we are having.
*
"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
*
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
*
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of
the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as
are out wish to get in?
*
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
*
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
*
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
*
Corrupt: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
*
I must have slipped a disk my pack hurts
*
Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
*
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
*
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favourite neurosis.
*
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least
until we've finished building it.
*
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them
on the head.
*
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.
I believe everything positively stinks.
*
Things will get worse before they get better.
*
Who said things would get better?
*
"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
*
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
*
Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
*
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
the tree."
*
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
*
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
*
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
*
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
*
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
*
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they
charge fifteen cents for them.
*
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
*
Nothing recedes like success.
*
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't,
why you should.
*
"...all the modern inconveniences..."
*
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is sickening
to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep
while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
*
Predestination was doomed from the start.
*
Elevators smell different to midgets
*
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will
be temporarily cancelled.
*
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
*
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?
What is the Latin for office automation?
*
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
*
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
*
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying
literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
*
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
of a divorce.
*
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
*
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
*
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
*
"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
*
Nothing is faster than the speed of light... To prove this to yourself,
try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on.
*
Menu:    A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
*
Murphy was an optimist.
*
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
*
Excellent time to become a missing person.
*
In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
programming languages.
*
Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd be out
of a job.
*
You can't get anything without working for it.
*
The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
*
You can only break even at absolute zero.
*
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
*
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
*
Cole's Law:     Thinly sliced cabbage.
*
Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
*
Justice:        A decision in your favour.
*
Brain fried -- Core dumped
*
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is
an enemy.
*
Abstainer:     A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
*
Someone dropped me on my head?
*
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
*
If I travelled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me The pot's at the other end.
*
Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
*
Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
*
There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
*
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
more important to do.
*
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
hope I don't get run over again.
*
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people
all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mum.
*
The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because it
isn't here.
*
Chicken Little was right.
*
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...
...a good reason and the real reason.
*
Happiness:     An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
*
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens
will multiply instead of disappear.
*
Clothes maketh the man.  Naked people have little or no influence
on society.
*
It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
*
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
Heads.
*
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is
always a future in Computer Maintenance.
*
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
*
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
*
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame
it on.
*
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
*
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is
reading it.
*
Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
*
Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
*
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
*
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and
last month in advance.
*
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to
compare it with.
*
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
*
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves.
*
Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a banana.
*
Computer Scientists do it bit-by-bit
*
OCCAM programmers do it in parallel
*
Database administrators do it with their relations
*
AI programmers only think they do it
*
Operational Researchers would have done it by now if they hadn't spent so
long working out the best way to go about it.
*
Mathematicians have to PROVE they can do it
*
Psychologists only do it if they feel good about it
*
Historians USED to do it
*
Civil engineers do it behind schedule
*
Xerox your life.  If you lose it, you'll still have a copy.
*
Don't go to work, there's a lot to do.
*
Double your pleasure, Double your fun.  Xerox your pay-cheques.
*
I look better on a woman!
*
To all virgins.  Thanks for nothing
*
God made things that creep and crawl, but British rail - it beats them all!
*
If it wasn't for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us.
*
I am a vampire.  Please wash your neck.
*
Beat unemployment - Vote labour.
*
Vote conservative and treat it nicely.
*
Owing to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled.
*
Never mind the Titanic - is there any news of the iceberg?
*
Other vices may be nice, but sex won't rot your teeth.
*
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
*
Sterility is hereditary.
*
Smile, they said, life could be worse.  So I did, and it was.
*
You're never alone if you're a sex maniac.
*
Sex is bad for one.  - But it's very good for two.
*
Jack the ripper lives - he works in our laundry.
*
Reincarnation is making a comeback - Over my dead body!
*
How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?  By taking down its genes.
*
The only safe fast-breeder is a rabbit.  Say 'No' to nuclear power.
*
Start a new movement - eat a prune.
*
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
*
We are the people our parents warned us about
*
Don't waste water.  Pee on a friend.
*
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
*
Nervous breakdowns are hereditary.  We get them from our children.
*
I've half a mind to join the national front.  That's all I'll need.
*
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
*
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
*
Marriage is a wonderful institution -
but who wants to live in an institution?
*
Bad spellers of the world.  Untie!
*
The first three minutes of life can be the most dangerous.
- The last three are pretty dodgy too!
*
Life is a sexually transmitted disease
*
Liberals are a Labour-saving device.
*
You'll never walk alone with schizophrenia.
*
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
*
Beat inflation - steal!
*
A fertile imagination is no compensation for vasectomy.
*
The hangman let us down.
*
No hand signals.  The driver of this vehicle is a convicted arab shoplifter
*
Hang Gliding,
Blast Baseball,
and Sod Cycling.
*
If you feel strongly about graffiti, sign a partition.
*
Pedants rule Ok - or, more accurately, exhibit certain of the trappings
of traditional leadership.
*
Geography is everywhere.
*
Old fishermen never die, they just smell that way.
*
I never used to be able to finish anything, but now I
*
Guy fawkes was the sanest man who ever went to the Houses of Parliament
- and look what happened to him.
*
Easter is cancelled this year.  They've found the body.
*
Count Dracula - your Bloody Mary is ready...
*
Death is hereditary
*
Dead people are cool
*
Nationalize crime, and make sure it doesn't pay.
*
Save fuel.  Get cremated with a friend.
*
Constipation is the thief of time.  Diarrhoea waits for no man.
*
Schizophrenia rules.  OK.  OK.
*
Free the indianapolis 500.
*
If the human brain were simple enough for us to understand, we'd be so
simple we couldn't.
*
I bet you I could stop gambling.
*
My uncle fred died of asbestosis - it took six months to cremate him.
*
I'D GIVE MY RIGHT ARM TO BE AMBIDEXTROUS
- You can have mine. I'm left handed!
*
I couldn't care less about apathy.
*
OK, so I'm cured of schizophrenia, but where am I when I need me?
*
Absolute zero is cool.
*
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
*
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
*
An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn't make the money
you did.
*
Never ask of money spent
Where the spender thinks it went.
Nobody was ever meant
To remember or invent
What he did with every cent.
*
It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age, he had already
been dead for a year.
*
The world is divided into people who do things - and people who get
the credit.
*
Acting is about honesty.  If you can fake that, you've got it made.
*
I love acting.  Its much more real than life.
*
I'm now at an age where I have to prove that I'm just as good as
I never was.
*
Some of the greatest love affairs I've ever known, involved one actor,
unassisted.
*
Scratch an actor - you'll find an actress.
*
Adolescence: a stage between infancy and adultery
*
Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
*
When I grow up I want to be a little boy.
*
In the ad biz, sincerity is a commodity, bought and paid for like
everything else.
*
The longest word in the English Language is the one following the phrase
'And now a word from our sponsor.'
*
Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark.
You know what you're doing, but nobody else does.
*
Advertising that uses superlatives isn't.
*
I always pass on good advice.  It's the only thing to do with it.
It is never any use to oneself.
*
A mixture of admiration and pity is one of the surest recipes for
affection.
*
I refuse to admit that I am more than fifty-two, even if that does make my
two sons illegitimate.
*
The four stages of man are: Infancy, Childhood, Adolescence and obsolescence.
*
The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything;
the young know everything.
*
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
*
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
*
Alimony: Bounty after the mutiny
*
Alimony: The ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
*
Professionals build the Titanic, amateurs built the Ark.
*
I want to be what I was when I started to be what I am now.
*
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
*
is the US ready for self-government?
*
Americans like fat books and thin women
*
I don't know much about Americanism, but it's a damn good word with which
to carry an election.
*
All americans lecture...  I suppose it is something in their climate.
*
I happen to know quite a lot about the south.  Spent twenty years there
one night.
*
I am righteously indignant;  YOU are annoyed;  HE is making a fuss
about nothing.
*
Odd things animals.  All dogs look up to you.  All cats look down to you.
Only a pig looks to you as an equal.
*
Old?  The only thing that kept it standing was the woodworm holding hands.
*
Want to have some fun?  Walk into an antique shop and say, "What's new?"
*
When you don't have any money the problem is food.  When you have money,
it's sex.  When you have both, it's health.  If everything is simply jake,
then your frightened of death.
*
I have a new philosophy.  I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
*
... an individual whose appearance was so repulsive I had to have my
mirrors insured.
*
It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearances.
*
She wore too much rouge last night, and not quite enough clothes.
That's always a sign of despair in a woman.
*
With an evening coat and a white tie, anybody, even a stockbroker can
gain a reputation for being civilized.
*
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have.  The older she gets,
the more interest he takes in her.
*
The doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his
clients to plant vines.
*
When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic.
*
My sad conviction is that people can only agree about what they are not
really interested in.
*
Consistency is a paste jewel that only cheap men cherish.
*
He knew the precise psychological moment when to say nothing.
*
I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unreasonable.  There
is something unfair about its use.  It is hitting below the intellect.
*
I like talking to a brick wall.  Its the only thing in the world that
never contradicts me.
*
There is always more brass than brains in an aristocracy.
*
Colonel Cathcart had never hesitated to volunteer his men for any
target available.
*
The artistic temperament is a disease that affects amateurs.
*
The moment you cheat for the sake of beauty, you know you're an artist.
*
What is sadder than the sight of a lady we admire, admiring a nauseating
picture.
*
My dear Tristan, to be an artist at all is like living in Switzerland
during a World War.
*
All art is quite useless.
*
A true artist takes no notice whatsoever of the public.  The public are to
him non-existent.  He leaves that to the popular novelist.
*
No great artist ever sees things as they are.  If he did he would cease
to be an artist.
*
She is like most artists; she has style without sincerity.
*
Writing about art is like dancing about architecture.
*
Assassination is an extreme form of censorship.
*
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
*
Simon darling, I'm afraid you'll have to speak to the children.  I caught
Tristram believing in God yesterday.
*
... a sheep in sheep's clothing ...
*
Charisma?  He did not recognize the word, except as a clue in his Times
crossword.
*
... reminds me of nothing so much as a dead fish before it has had time
to stiffen.
*
The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
*
They made me a present of Mornington crescent.  They threw it a brick at
a time.
*
If they liked it, they didn't applaud - they just let you live.
*
They were really tough - they used to tie their tomatoes on the end
of a yo-yo so they could use them twice.
*
Australian-based:   A person of diminished aspiration who has been
successfully bribed with grants and awards to resist
the lure of expatriation.
*
Autobiography is now as common as adultery - and hardly less reprehensible.
*
An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last instalment
missing.
*
Next to the writer of real estate advertisements, the autobiographer
is the most suspect of prose artists.
*
Nothing I have found is factual, except the bits that sound like fiction.
*
I am being frank about myself in this book.  I tell of my first mistake
on page 850.
*
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave
out the bad things you have done - that's Memoirs.
*
Only when one has lost all curiosity about the future has one reached
the age to write an autobiography.
*
I don't deserve this, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
*
Nobel prize money is a lifebelt thrown to a swimmer who has already
reached the shore in safety.
*
Training a child is more or less a matter of pot luck.
*
A bachelor never makes the same mistake once.
*
She was another one of his near Mrs.
*
If people don't want to come to the ball park, nobody's going to
stop them.
*
After a degree of prettiness, one pretty girl is as pretty as another.
*
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
*
It was such a lovely day, I thought it was a pity to get up.
*
To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up.
*
Any stigma is good enough to beat a dogma with.
*
And how can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught
in the roller of an electric typewriter.
*
He will be as great as a curse to this country in peace as he was
a squalid nuisance in time of war.
*
Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same thing.
*
Q: If I married two women, would that be bigamy?
A: It would be very big of you.
*
Sex is only a pain in the arse if you miss
*
Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it.
*
When I was born I was surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
*
To my embarrassment I was born in a bed with a lady.
*
Congratulations, we knew you had it in you.
*
My girlfriend just found out she's been taking aspirin instead of
the pill.  Well, at least she doesn't have a headache - but I do.
*
The pill came to market and changed the sexual and real-estate habits
of millions; Motel chains were created to serve them.
*
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
*
YOUNG GIRL (to doctor): Have I had any side effects from the pill?
DOCTOR: ... Only promiscuity!
*
I can't understand why more people aren't bisexual.  It would double
your chances for a date on Saturday night.
*
When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble.
*
If only I had a little humility, I would be perfect.
*
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book.  I'll waste no time
in reading it.
*
You can't help liking the managing director - if you don't, he fires you.
*
I don't want any Yes-men around me.  I want everyone to tell me the truth
even if it costs them their jobs.
*
I've just returned from Boston.  It is the only thing to do if you find
yourself up there.
*
He floats like an anchor and stings like a moth.
*
I was the only fighter in Cleveland who wore rear-view mirrors
*
ERIC :  I was a pretty handy fighter in my youth.  I could lick any man
with one hand...
ERNIE : Really?
ERIC  : Yes.  Unfortunately, I could never find anyone with one hand who
wanted a fight.
*
The brain is a wonderful organ.  It starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
*
The critical period in matrimony is breakfast-time.
*
Anyone who lives within his means suffers from a lack of imagination.
*
Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss or Mr and Mrs Daneeka,
Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your
husband,son, father or brother was killed, wounded or reported missed in
action.
*
If your parents didn't have children then there is a 90% chance that
you won't.
*
I've got a memory for faces, but in this case I'll make an exception.
*
HOSTESS: Are you enjoying yourself?
OSCAR:   I have to - there's nothing else to enjoy.
*
LADY:     If I were your wife then I'd put poison in your coffee.
WINSTON:  If I were your husband, I'd drink it.
*
Real programmers don't write specifications -- users should consider
themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
*
Real programmers don't document their code.  If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
*
Real programmers don't write applications programs.  They program right
to the bare metal.  Applications programming is for FEEBS who can't do
systems programming.
*
Real programmers don't eat quiche.  In fact, real programmers don't know
how to spell quiche.  They eat twinkies and Szechan food
*
Real programmers don't write in COBOL.  COBOL is for wimpy applications
programmers.
*
Real programmer's programs never work right first time.  But if you throw
them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few"
30 hour debugging sessions.
*
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe-stress freaks
and crystallography weenies.
*
Real programmers never work 9 to 5.  If any real programmers are around
at 9am its because they were up all night.
*
Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write in
BASIC, after the age of 12.
*
Real programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who can't
decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
*
Real programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you
to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is Ok, and real programmers wear
their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up
in the middle of the machine room.
*
Real programmers don't document.  Documentation is for simps who can't
read the listings or the object code.
*
Real programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any other of
those pinko computer science languages.  Strong typing is for people with
weak memories.
*
Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.
*
Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN.
*
Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN.
*
Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN.
*
If you can't do it in FORTRAN, do it in Assembly Language.  If you can't
do it in Assembly, it isn't worth doing.
*
Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.
*
Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without getting confused
*
Real Programmers like arithmetic IF statements -- they make the code more
interesting.
*
Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can save
20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.
*
Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious.
*
At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner of the kitchen
talking about Operating System security, and how to get around it.
*
At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays
against his simulations printed on 11" by 14" fanfold paper.
*
At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one doodling machine code into
the sand.
*
At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George, And he
almost had the Sort Routine working before the coronary."
*
In a Grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running
the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he could never
trust keypunch operators to get it right first time.
*
No Real Programmer works 9:00 to 5:00 (unless it's 9:00pm to 5:00am).
*
Real Programmers don't wear neckties.
*
Real Programmers don't wear high-heel shoes.
*
Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.
*
The Real Programmer may or may not know his wife's name.  He always knows
the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table by heart, however.
*
Real Programmers don't know how to cook.
*
Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing atomic
bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers.
*
Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding Russian
Transmissions.
*
It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real Programmers working
for NASA that our boys got to the moon and back before the Russkies.
*
Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operating systems
for cruise missiles.
*
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
*
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
*
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
*
1 + 1 (=) 2, where (=) is the mathematical symbol for hardly ever.
*
IN california, everyone either goes to a therapist, is a therapist, or is
a therapist going to a therapist.
*
Cannibals are not vegetarians.  They are humanitarians.
*
These ferocious cannibals captured a poor missionary.  He gave them their
first taste of religion.
*
A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
*
We've got a cat called Ben Hur.  We called it Ben till it had kittens.
*
To be a celebrity in America is to be forgiven everything.
*
A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends
more than two hours working on his hair.
*
I hate champagne more than anything else in the world next to Seven-Up
*
All charming people have something to conceal.  Usually their total
dependence on the appreciation of others.
*
A beauty is a woman you notice.  A charmer is a woman who notices you.
*
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
*
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
*
I never met a kid I liked.
*
There's not a man in america who at one time or another hasn't had a secret
desire to boot a child in the ass.
*
All God's children are not beautiful.  Most of God's children are in fact,
barely presentable.
*
Never allow your child to call you by your first name.  He hasn't known
you long enough.
*
Do your kids a favour - don't have any.
*
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger
pain the second time around.
*
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough.
*
Go to church this Sunday - avoid the Christmas rush.
*
He was married to an acrobat, but she caught him in the act.
*
Hygiene is the corruption of medicine by morality.
*
Have I got a mother-in-law. she's so neat she puts paper under the
cuckoo clock.
*
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
*
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
*
A well-tied tie is the first in life.
*
The only way to atone for being occasionally a little over-dressed is by
being always absolutely over-dressed.
*
Any club that would accept me as a member, I wouldn't want to join.
*
Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.
*
Committees: A group that takes minutes and wastes hours.
*
A group of the unfit appointed by the unwilling to do the necessary.
*
We always carry out by committee anything in which any of us alone could
be to reasonable to persist.
*
To get something done a committee should consist of no more than three
men, two of whom are absent.
*
Committee work is like a soft chair...
...easy to get into but hard to get out of.
*
A communist is one who has nothing and wishes to share it with the world.
*
A communist is a socialist without a sense of humour.
*
Communism might be likened to a race in  which all competitors come in
first with no prizes.
*
Communism is the opiate of the intellectuals.
*
The objection to a communist always resolves itself into the fact that he
is not a gentleman.
*
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
*
Bloke at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China.
He's out there now trying to win a trip back!
*
Ah! Mozart. He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
*
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
*
My computing dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman.  Still, I've
got another three goes.
*
The one way sure to conciliate a tiger to allow oneself to be devoured
*
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile hoping it will eat him last.
*
Conistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
*
With congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they
make a law it's a joke.
*
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. and suppose you were a member of
congress. But I repeat myself.
*
Conscience gets alot of credit that belongs to cold feet.
*
Conscience:    Something that feels terrible when every thing else feels
swell.
*
The Nonconformist conscience makes of us all.
*
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.
*
Conscience the still small voice that makes you feel still smaller.
*
Conscience and cowardice are really the same.  Conscience is the trade
name of the firm.
*
It is a bizarre biological fact that the Conservative Party can be directed
along a sensible left-wing path only by a leader with impeccable
aristocratic connections.
*
Tories are not always wrong, but they always wrong at the right moment.
*
The Conservative Party is an organized hypocrisy.
*
They are nothing else but a bunch of kippers - two-faced with no guts
*
The trouble with the Conservative Party is that it has not turned the clock
back a single second.
*
A conservative is someone who admires the radicals a century after
they're dead.
*
When a nation's young men are conservative, its funeral bell is already
rung.
*
A conservative is someone who demands a square deal for the rich.
*
A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
*
A conservative is someone who believes in reform.  But not now.
*
The radical invents the views.  When he has worn them out, the conservative
adopts them.
*
A verbal agreement isn't worth the paper it's written on.
*
Contract: An agreement that is only binding on the weaker party.
*
The opposite of talking isn't listening.  The opposite of talking is
waiting.
*
Where there's smoke, there's toast.
*
My wife does wonderful things with leftovers - she throws them out.
*
She was a lovely girl.  Our courtship was fast and furious - I was fast
and she was furious.
*
IN GOD WE TRUST: Others pay cash.
*
Some people will believe anything if you whisper it to them.
*
It's a funny kind of month, October.  For the really keen cricket fan,
it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.
*
A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.
*
I have never found in a long experience of politics that criticism is ever
inhibited by ignorance.
*
A critic is a bunch of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste.
*
Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together.
*
A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him
what he meant.
*
A critic is a man who knows the way, but can't drive the car.
*
What's a cult?  It just means not enough people to make a minority.
*
If it was a bet, you wouldn't take it.
*
Most women loathe limericks, for the same reason that calves hate
cookbooks.
*
He knew everything about literature, except how to enjoy it.
*
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants
to read.
*
I don't know what London's coming to.  The higher the buildings, the lower
the morals.
*
When it's three O'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.
*
Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
*
Love ... the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and
discovering she looks like a haddock.
*
Love is like the measles - all the worse when it comes late in life.
*
Love is the only dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the
species.
*
Love is like war: easy to begin, but very hard to stop.
*
Scratch a lover and find a foe.
*
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache
*
Never drink black coffee at lunch.
It will keep you awake in the afternoon.
*
Marriage is not a word but a sentence.
*
Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for
marriage.
*
A man's friends like him but leave him as he is: his wife loves him and
is always trying to turn him into somebody else.
*
Marriage is a great institution - no family should be without it.
*
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married.  And by then it
was too late.
*
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason - there's a reason.
*
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
*
The first part of our marriage was very happy.  But then, on the way back
from the ceremony...
*
Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.
*
When it comes to paying, he's the first to put his hand in his pocket.
And leave it there.
*
A minor operation: one performed on somebody else.
*
Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything.
*
Meetings ... are rather like cocktail parties.  You don't want to go,
but you're angry not to be asked.
*
I have a memory like an elephant.  In fact, elephants often consult me.
*
I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on
believing that some men are my equals.
*
I'd never seen men hold each other.  I thought the only thing they were
allowed to do was shake hands or fight.
*
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
*
Macho does not prove Mucho.
*
I require only three things of a man.  He must be handsome, ruthless and
stupid.
*
I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
*
It's not the men in my life that count; it's the life in my men.
*
Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.
*
On one issue at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
*
Boys don't make passes at female smart-asses.
*
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
*
Men play the game; women know the score.
*
Middle age is when we can do just as much as ever - but would rather not.
*
Middle age is whenever you go on holiday you pack a sweater.
*
Calamities are of two kinds: Misfortune to ourselves and good fortune to
others.
*
A missionary is a person who teaches cannibals to say grace before they
eat him.
*
All wrong-doing is done in the sincere belief that it is the best
thing to do.
*
Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from
the noblest of motives.
*
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an
alternative.
*
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times.  I can remember when
the air was clean and sex was dirty.
*
Modesty is the art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how
wonderful you are.
*
Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.
*
A modest man is usually admired - if people ever hear of him.
*
Money isn't everything: usually it isn't even enough.
*
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
*
All right, so I like spending money!  But name one other extravagance.
*
Money is a sixth sense without which you cannot make use of the other five.
*
Money can't buy friends but you can get a better class of enemy.
*
We know of no spectacle so ridiculous as the British public in one of its
periodical fits of morality.
*
Morality consists in suspecting other people of not being legally married.
*
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
*
A man who moralises is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralizes is
invariably plain.
*
Morality is the attitude we adopt to people whom we personally dislike.
*
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven thirty in the
morning feeling just plain terrible.
*
Never marry a man who hates his mother because he'll end up hating you.
*
No woman can shake off her mother.  There should be no mothers, only women.
*
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months - I don't like
to interrupt her.
*
I only know two tunes.  One of them is 'Yankee Doodle' and the other isn't.
*
Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
*
Music is essentially useless, as life is.
*
I wish the Government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.
*
Marie-Joseph?  It's a lovely name!  It just sounds silly, that's all.
*
Now why did you name your baby 'John'?  Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named
'John'.
*
When a man tells me he's going to put all his cards on the table, I always
look up his sleeve.
*
An independent is a guy who wants to take the politics out of politics.
*
It's not the world that's got so much worse but the news coverage that's
got so much better.
*
News: Anything that makes a woman say, 'For heaven's sake!'
*
No News Is Preferable.
*
I keep reading between the lies.
*
I read the newspaper avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.
*
My son has taken up doing meditation - at least it's better than sitting
doing nothing.
*
One of the basic freedoms of the Englishman is freedom from culture.
*
Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don't.
*
Cynicism - the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence.
*
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
*
It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake
*
Dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
*
Death is the greatest kick of all - that's why they save it till last.
*
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily
lying down.
*
If my doctor told me I only had six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood.
I'd type a little faster.
*
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone
calls taper off.
*
Few men by their death have given such deep satisfaction to so many.
*
I am ready to meet my maker.  Whether my maker is prepared for the ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
*
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
*
You haven't lived until you've died in california.
*
Eternity is a terrible thought.  I mean, where's it going to end?
*
I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved
of it.
*
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
*
A decision is what a man makes when he cannot get anyone to serve on a
committee.
*
All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going
to last.
*
Democracy means government by discussion but it is only effective if you
can stop people talking.
*
Democracy consists of choosing your dictators after they've told you what
you want to hear.
*
One fifth of the people are against everything all the time.
*
Democracy is too goo to share with just anybody.
*
Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we
deserve.
*
I belong to no organized party - I am a democrat.
*
Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
*
In this world there are only two tragedies.  One is not getting what one
wants and the other is getting it.
*
He's turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.
Now he's miserable and depressed.
*
I never travel without my diary.  One should always have something
sensational to read in the train.
*
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.
*
A really busy person never knows how much he ways.
*
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen
days I lost two weeks.
*
My wife is on a diet.  Coconuts and bananas.  She hasn't lost any weight,
but can she climb a tree?!
*
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
*
A diplomat is a man who thinks twice before saying nothing.
*
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his
success.
*
The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.
*
My doctor is wonderful.  Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an
operation, he touched up the X-Rays.
*
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love
yourself.
*
The quickest way to make your own anti-freeze is to hide her nightie.
*
People who insist on telling their dreams are among the terrors of the
breakfast table.
*
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I'm having a
good time.
*
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded.  Trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
*
A woman drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her.
*
A man is never drunk if he can lay his hands on the floor without
holding on.
*
The best number for a dinner party is two.  Myself and a damn good head
waiter.
*
Seeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.
*
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
*
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
*
It's a recession when you're neighbour loses his job.  It's a depression
when you lose your own.
*
Save Water, Shower With A Friend
*
Saving is a fine thing.  Especially when your parents have done it for
you.
*
Education ... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to
distinguish what is worth reading.
*
Egotist: A person more interested in himself than me.
*
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
*
Vote for the man who promises least.  He'll be the least disappointing.
*
Man is the only animal that blushes.  Or needs to.
*
Love your enemy - it'll drive him nuts.
*
He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.
*
The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest
about it.
*
The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.
*
In England, failure is all the rage.
*
The English think incompetence is the same thing as sincerity.
*
An englishman is a man who lives on an island in the North Sea governed
by Scotsmen.
*
If it is good to have one foot in England, it is still better, or at least
as good, to have the other out of it.
*
An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.
*
Deploring change is the unchangeable habit of all Englishmen
*
I don't desire to change anything in England except the weather.
*
I did a picture in England one winter and it was so cold I almost got
married.
*
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
*
Inequality is as dear to the American heart as liberty itself.
*
All men are born equal, but quite a few eventually get over it.
*
All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
*
Variety is the life if spies.
*
An ethical man is a Christian holding four aces.
*
Social tact is making your company feel at home, even though you wish They
were.
*
No matter if your food is dry or it's oily, it's sure to look better when
placed on a doily.
*
Tact consists in knowing how far to go too far.
*
Gentlemen do not throw wine at the ladies.  They pour it over them.
*
Manners are especially the need of the plain.  The pretty can get away
with anything.
*
'I suppose it would be a breach of hospitality if I socked my hostess's
sister in the eye?'
*
Several excuses are always less convincing than one.
*
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
*
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
*
His eyes are so bad, he has to wear contact lenses to see his glasses.
*
Met a guy this morning with a glass eye.  He didn't tell me - it just came
out in the conversation.
*
He had but one eye and the popular prejudice runs in favour of two.
*
A face like a wedding cake left out in the rain..
*
The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.
*
There is much to be said for failure.  It is more interesting than success.
*
The poor man.  He's completely unspoiled by failure.
*
Failure has gone to his head.
*
We women adore failures.  They lean on us.
*
We have not lost faith, but we have transferred it from god to the medical
profession.
*
Scepticism is the beginning of faith.
*
The Falklands war was a quarrel between two bald men over a comb.
*
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known,
then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
*
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I
couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
*
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations
officers.
*
There is a lot to be said for not being known to the readers of the Daily
Mirror.
*
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette
packet.
*
I'm famous.  That's my job.
*
In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.
*
The families of one's friends are always a disappointment.
*
A good farmer is nothing more nor less than a handy man with a sense
of humus.
*
Fashion: There'll be little change in men's pockets this year.
*
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style.  It will look just
as ridiculous year after year.
*
Unseen, in the background, Fate was quietly slipping the lead into the
boxing glove.
*
To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid,
don't look at it for the first two years.
*
The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be
a credit to them.
*
A woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition.
*
A woman's work is never done by men.
*
How much fame, money, and power does a woman have to achieve on her own
before you can punch her in the face?
*
Boy's don't make passes at female smart asses.
*
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
*
Her husband is so bow-legged, she has to iron his underpants on
a boomerang.
*
All you need to be a fisherman is patience and a worm.
*
Flattery must be pretty thick before anybody. objects to it.
*
What really flatters a man is that you think him worth flattering.
*
Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.
*
She's been on more laps than a napkin
*
Flying? I've been to almost as many places as my luggage!
*
If God had intended us to fly, he would never have given us railways.
*
I never worry about the place crashing.  Remember - in the case of an
accident, the pilot is always first on the scene.
*
A folk song is a song that nobody ever wrote.
*
Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing.
*
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
*
Clams: I simply cannot imagine why anyone would eat something slimy served
in an ashtray.
*
The French will only be united under the threat of danger.  Nobody can
simply bring together a country that has 265 kinds of cheese.
*
The French drink to get loosened up for an event, to celebrate an event,
and even to recover from an event.
*
France is a place where money falls apart in your hands, but you can't
tear the toilet paper.
*
Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
*
A friend in need is a friend to be avoided.
*
Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.
*
If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't come to yours.
*
In the city a funeral is just an interruption of traffic; in the country
it is a form of popular entertainment.
*
A damn good funeral is still one of our best and cheapest acts of theatre
*
An optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.
*
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
*
I've had enough of gardening - I'm just about ready to throw in the trowel.
*
What a man needs in gardening is a cast iron back with a hinge in it.
*
Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration.
*
The public is wonderfully tolerant.  It forgives everything except genius.
*
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
*
A gentleman is one who, when he invites a girl up to show her his etchings,
shows her his etchings.
*
German is the most extravagantly ugly language.  It sounds like someone
using a sick bag on a 747.
*
You never want to give a man a present when he's feeling good.  You want
to do it when he's down.
*
HE has not a single redeeming defect.
*
God is alive- he just doesn't want to get involved.
*
God is dead.  But don't worry - the Virgin Mary is pregnant again.
*
God is not dead.  He is alive and autographing bibles today at Brentano's.
*
It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person to reconcile himself
to the idea that after all God will not help him.
*
Is man one of God's blunders or is god one of Man's blunders?
*
The Coarse Golfer: One who has to shout 'Fore' when he puts.
*
Golf may be played on Sunday, not being a game within view of the law, but
being a form of moral effort.
*
Golf is a walk spoiled.
*
The things most people want to know are usually none of their business.
*
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that's not being talked about.
*
Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.
*
The only good government ... is a bad one in a hell of a fright.
*
The government solution to a problem is usually as bad as the problem.
*
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
*
I don't make jokes.  I just watch the government and report the facts.
*
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you.
*
Whenever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship.
*
- I hate Graffiti
- I hate all Italian food
*
Alas, poor yorlik, I knew him backwards.
*
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
*
A guilty conscience is the mother of invention.
*
Violet will be a good colour for hair at just about the same time that
brunette becomes a good colour for flowers.
*
Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.
*
For a bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whisky.
*
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth
have both failed.
*
If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
*
If you want to clear your system out, sit on a piece of cheese and swallow
a mouse.
*
He's so small, he's the only man I know who has turn-ups on his underpants.
*
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap
as they go by.
*
History is a hard core of interpretation surrounded by a pulp of disputable
facts.
*
History is too serious to be left to historians.
*
Hagel was right when he said that we learn from history that men never
learn anything from history.
*
If Hitler invaded Hell I would make at least a favourable reference to the
Devil in the house of commons.
*
This man is dangerous; he believes what he says.
*
A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are Bigger
than yours.
*
Apart from cheese and tulips, the main product of the country is advocaat,
a drink made from lawyers.
*
Hollywood - where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
*
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a
fruit fly and still have room for three caraway seeds and a producers
heart.
*
Beverly Hills is very exclusive.  For instance, their fire department won't
make house calls.
*
Hollywood is where, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
*
Hollywood: A place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.
*
They live inn a beautiful little apartment overlooking the rent.
*
Homosexuality is a sickness, just as are baby rape or wanting to become
head of General Motors.
*
I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to
tell your mother.
*
Honeymoon - the morning after the knot before.
*
After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
*
I have nothing against Hampstead.  I used to live there myself when I was
an intellectual.  I gave that up when I became Leader of the House.
*
The cure for admiring the house of lords is to go and look at it.
*
The house of Lords is the British Outer Mongolia for retired politicians.
*
Like many other anachronisms in British public life, the House of Lords
has one supreme merit.  It works.
*
The House of Lords is a model of how to care for the elderly.
*
The House of Lords has a value ... it is good evidence of life after death.
*
The House of Lords is a perfect eventide home.
*
I hate housework!  You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months
later you have to start all over again.
*
Its going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth
after they inherit it.
*
Mark my words, when a society has to resort to the lavatory for its humour,
the writing is on the wall.
*
Humour is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity.
*
Nothing spoils a romance so much as the sense of humour in the woman
or the want of it in a man.
*
Husbands are like fires.  They go out if unattended.
*
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerver has been extracted.
*
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
*
Hypochondriac: someone who enjoys bad health.
*
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a
cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
*
An idea that is dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
*
What he doesn't know would make a library anybody would be proud of.
*
I've got Parkinson's disease.  And he's got mine.
*
One of the minor pleasures in life is to be slightly ill.
*
Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others.  Health
is the primary duty of life.
*
If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?
*
His indecision is final.
*
They call him 'jigsaw' because every time he's faced with a problem he
goes to pieces.
*
Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile.
*
'Sub-' is no idle prefix in it's application to this continent.
*
No one can make you feel inferior with your consent.
*
Thou shalt not commit adultery ... unless in the mood.
*
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
*
Among the things that money can't buy is what it used to.
*
It's a gorgeous gold pocket watch.  I'm proud of it.  My grandfather, on
his deathbed sold me this watch.
*
To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
*
A good cure for insomnia is to get plenty of sleep.
*
What he lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in his stupidity.
*
I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I would gladly eat a
network executive or politician.
*
He has left his body to science - and science is contesting the will.
*
Make yourself at home, Frank.  Hit somebody.
*
Insurance:     An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is
permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is
beating the man who keeps the table.
*
Lord Birkenhead is very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
*
Intuition:     The strange instinct that tells a woman she is right,
whether she is or not.
*
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching
television by candlelight.
*
Other people have a nationality.  The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis.
*
The Irish people do not gladly suffer common sense.
*
The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with
absolutely no talent.
*
My one claim to fame among Irishmen is that I never make a speech.
*
Very little counts for less in Italy that the state.
*
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
*
Playing 'bop' is like playing scrabble with all the vowels missing.
*
If you're in jazz and more than ten people like you, you're labelled
'commercial'.
*
No one ever made more trouble than the 'gentle Jesus meek and mild'.
*
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.  They rented out my
room.
*
It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.
*
The labour Party Marxists see the consequences of their own folly all
around them and call it the collapse of capitalism.
*
I do not often attack the labour party.  They do it so well themselves.
*
Everybody has a right to pronounce foreign names as he chooses.
*
The word 'meaningful' when used today is nearly always meaningless.
*
Die, my dear doctor?  That's the last thing I shall do.
*
If this is dying, I don't think much of it.
*
Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over, and showing it
principally in one spot.
*
He who laughs, lasts.
*
She had a penetrating sort of laugh.  Rather like a train going into
a tunnel.
*
It is illegal to make liquor privately, or water publicly.
*
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the
better lawyer.
*
For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
*
Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful.
*
As a boy, he swallowed a teaspoon.  And he hasn't stirred since.
*
I've found a great way to start the day - I go straight back to bed!
*
I must follow them.  I am their leader.
*
He told her her stockings were wrinkled.  Trouble was, she wasn't wearing
any.
*
He's a distinguished man of letters.  He works for the Post Office.
*
A liberal is a conservative who's been mugged by reality.
*
A liberal is a man who leaves the room when a fight begins.
*
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
*
I can remember when a liberal was one who was generous with his own money.
*
Liberty means responsibility.  That is why most men dread it.
*
A lie can be half way round the world before the truth has got its boots
on.
*
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
*
A lie is an abomination unto the lord and a very present help in trouble.
*
I was brought up in a clergyman's house so I am a first-class liar.
*
Life is a hereditary disease.
*
Life is a maze in which we take the wrong turning before we have learned
to walk.
*
Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
*
Life is too short for men to take it seriously.
*
I read the newspaperr avidly.  It is my one form of continuous fiction.
*
I love the weight of American Sunday Newspapers.  Pulling them up off the
floor is good for the figure.
*
People everywhere confuse
what they read in the newspapers with news.
*
You should always believe all you read in the newspapers, as this makes
them more interesting.
*
Any man with ambition, integrity - and $10,000,000 - can start a daily
newspaper.
*
Early in life I noticed that no event is ever correctly reported in a
newspaper.
*
I hope we never live to see the day when a thing is as bad as some of our
newspapers make it.
*
An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints
the chaff.
*
In the old days men had the rack, now they have the press.
*
Terrible Tragedy in South Seas.  Three million people trapped alive!
*
Nixon is a purposeful man, but I have great faith in his cowardice.
*
Richard Nixon means never having to say you're sorry
*
Noise:   A stench in the ear.  The chief product and authenticating sign
of civilization.
*
Every novel should have a beginning, a muddle and an end.
*
Don't miss our show!  Six beautiful dancing girls!
Five beautiful costumes!
*
If God had wanted us to walk around naked, we would have been born
that way.
*
I'm not against half-naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be ...
*
Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection.
*
Some things have got to be believed to be seen.
*
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
*
We think he's dead, but we're afraid to ask.
*
I will never be an old man.  To me, old age is always fifteen years older
than I am.
*
I'm at that age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
*
Old age is life's parody.
*
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
*
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
*
Anyone can get old.  All you have to do is live long enough.
*
The greatest problem about old age is the fear that it may go on too long.
*
No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are
feeling sensible.
*
Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in
Italian.
*
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving
taxi cabs and cutting hair.
*
... an unbiased opinion is always absolutely valueless.
*
Opportunity: A favourable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
*
An optimist is a man who starts a crossword puzzle with a fountain pen.
*
At six I was left an orphan.  What on earth is a six-year-old supposed to
do with an orphan?
*
An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
*
Than an oyster
There's nothing moister.
*
"What the hell are tigers doing in an African jungle? Doesn't he know that
tigers can only be found in Asia?"
"You know it, and I know it, but do TIGERS know it??"
*
"Animals, which move, have limbs and muscles. The Earth does not have limbs
and muscles; therefore it does not move".
*
Cats know precisely when their owners will wake up.
Then promptly awaken them 10 minutes earlier.
*
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
*
Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
*
You can lead a horse to water!!
Get him to float on his back, and you've got something.
*
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster
and a radio.
*
To Noah!
The only man in history, who has been able to float a limited company,
while the rest of the world has gone into liquidation.
*
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
*
Always draw your curves, then plot the readings.
*
Variables won't; constants aren't.
*
The world's best programmer has to be someone.
*
The more humanlike a computer becomes, the less it spends time
computing, and the more time it spends time doing more human like
work.
*
A software committee of one is limited by its own horizon, and will
specify software only that far.
*
When the system programmers declare the system works, it has worked,
and will work again some day.
*
All the world's an analog stage, and digital computers play only bit parts.
*
Shareware will remain a viable marketing method, as long as the users
(who can't live without a Shareware product), realize that the Authors
can't LIVE without their registration fees.
*
By holding "Nude disco's", Stockport has confirmed itself as a modern
liberated Town, and rather more than a Railway Junction!'
*
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
*
Don't drink and drive - Smoke dope and fly home.
*
Penicillin - The only thing to give a man who has everything.
*
A glutton is the person who beats you to the last bit of cake.
*
Be careful of reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
*
Happiness is good health, and a bad memory.
*
Exercise is best started gradually. Today I shall attempt to register
a pulse.
*
Jogging is 50% mental. PANT, PANT, JOG, SWEAT, JOG, SWEAT.
I'll work the other 50% off some other time!!
*
Old people shouldn't eat health foods.  They need all the preservatives
they can get.
*
Are you going to come quietly, or am I going to have to wear earplugs.
*
Life is like the wife - you wake up in the morning and it's waiting for you
*
There's no such thing as sanity, and that's the sanest fact.
*
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
*
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
*
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
*
The difference between yoghurt and Slough, is that yoghurt has an active,
living culture.
*
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
*
I have a simple philosophy.
Fill what's empty.  Empty what's full.  Scratch where it itches.
*
Jigsaw's were invented by a Scotsman, who dropped a 5 pounds in a mincer.
*
The Gas Board is coming - So is Christmas, we'll see which arrives first.
*
I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building.
*
Our Toaster works on either AC or DC, but not on Bread.
It also has two settings... Too Soon, or Too Late.
*
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
*
There are two things no man will admit he can't do well,
drive and make love.
*
Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.
*
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
*
Whatever it is, it won't work.
*
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
*
There's nothing like a well timed fact, to take the wind out of a
Know-All's sails.
*
I'm not broke, I'm just badly bent.
*
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
*
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
*
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
*
Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by, not simplifying.
*
Woodpecker's, like British Telecom, have long bills.
*
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
*
"It is better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open ones mouth and
remove all possible doubt".
*
Being wrong is a natural gift. You cannot learn it, and some people have
a particular genius in this direction, being wrong for months at a time.
*
A Psychiatrist is a man who goes to the Follies Bergere, and looks at the
audience.
*
There's a difference between philosophy, and a bumper sticker.
*
Engineering students are often puzzled by the fact that the most
streamlined girls offer the most resistance.
*
If time is money, we are all living beyond our means.
*
Definition of love - A misunderstanding between two idiots.
*
Last night I had a dream,
a dream that made me laugh,
I dreamt I was a bar of soap,
and you were in the bath!!
*
A committee is a group which keeps minutes, and wastes hours.
*
Never underestimate a woman, unless you are discussing her age or weight.
*
A friend in need is a friend to avoid.
*
A friend in need is a pain in the arse.
*
Somewhere out there, is a V.A.T return with your name on it.
*
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl, in a light so dim, he would not
have chosen a suit by it.
*
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.
*
I like men to behave like men - strong and childish.
*
Love is a grave mental disease.
*
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers, and they are going
to make a game out of it.
*
I married beneath me.  All women do.
*
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
*
When the wife is away, the only time I know my dinner is ready,
is when it sets off the smoke alarm!!
*
Behind every successful man stands a very surprised Mother-In-Law.
*
An optimist is a man who marries his secretary, with the idea that he'll
be able to carry on dictating to her!
*
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister??
*
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man,
is when he's a baby.
*
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing,
and then they marry him.
*
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
*
Bees are never as busy as they sound,
they just don't know how to buzz slower.
*
The cause of problems are solutions!
*
If you can't see the bright side, polish the dull side.
*
Nostalgia is OK, but it's not what it used to be.
*
OUT TO LUNCH - If not back at five, OUT TO DINNER!
*
If everything seems easy, you have obviously overlooked something.
*
Tolkien is hobbit-forming.
*
Pros are those who do their jobs well, even when they don't feel like it.
*
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
*
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
*
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
*
Gossip is the art of saying nothing in such a way, that leaves practically
nothing unsaid.
*
They told him the job couldn't be done,
He rolled up his sleeves and set to it.
He tackled the job that couldn't be done,
And he couldn't do it.
*
He who ploughs a straight furrow, is probably in a rut.
*
Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll
ever regret.
*
Only those who will risk going too far, can possibly find out how far one
can go.
*
Some people confuse boredom with security.
*
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
*
Those who think they know it all, upset those of us who do.
*
"You will never amount to very much".
*
"Man is an indefinable creature. The Ancient Greeks pondered over the amber
glow that emanates from two materials in friction. Today we have the
science of Electronics".
*
"The very last man on Earth sat alone.  There was a knock at the door..."
*
"Kurt Semen had been repeatedly jailed for disturbing the peace,
and inciting unnecessary Pathos..."
*
Money is the root of all evil, and a man needs his roots.
*
Fools rush in where Fools have been before!
*
When in doubt, smile - It always makes people wonder what you're thinking.
*
Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.
*
2B, or not 2B, or should I use a biro.
*
I knew it. Today is Monday, cleverly disguised as Tuesday.
*
Sometimes when you least expect it, Monday strikes!!
*
You know it's Monday, when you find a land-mine in your Corn Flakes.
*
Always set your alarm clock early, that way you can oversleep longer!!
*
Wake up with a smile on your face, sleep with a coathanger in your mouth.
*
A collision happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.
*
"The Marriage Of Figaro is far too noisy, my dear Mozart. 
Far too many notes".
*
"If Beethoven's seventh symphony is not by some means abridged, it will 
soon fall into disuse".
*
"The Beatles - We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the 
way out."
*
"I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless bastard!
It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is haled as a genius. Why,
in comparison with him, Raff is a genius".
*
"Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant,
if not utterly impossible".
*
"Rail travel at high speeds above 20 miles per hour is not possible,
because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia".
*
Why don't you get a haircut?  You look like a chrysanthemum.
*
When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles, and scream and shout.
*
Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be enjoying
themselves.
*
Ronald Reagan is the Fred Astaire of foot-in-mouth disease.
*
Is the grave of Karl Marx another Communist plot??
*
Massachusett's has some of the best politicians money can buy.
*
Sure Reagan promised to take senility tests.  But what if he forgets?
*
Don't get the idea that I'm knocking the American system.
*
The wrong sort of people are always in power, because they would not be in
power if they were not the wrong sort of people.
*
Democratic Government is a thing like falling in love, or blowing one's own
nose. These things we want a man to do for himself, even if he does them
badly.
*
There's little worse than being peerless in a peer-review system.
*
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
*
I reserve my abuse for lower life forms, like Civil Servants.
*
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
*
Gravity doesn't exist, the earth sucks.
*
"The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor thing.
Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these
atoms is talking moonshine".
*
Rugby is played by men with odd-shaped balls!!
*
If I had been present at creation, I would have given some useful hints.
*
If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No".
*
The God's play games with men as balls.
*
The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle.  Unless you die
of something.
*
Religions change; Beer and Wine remain.
*
The chicken probably came before the egg, because it is hard to imagine
God wanting to sit on an egg.
*
In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce.
*
Living with a saint is more gruelling than being one.
*
Everybody should believe in something:  I believe I'll have another drink.
*
The reason why there is so much smog in L.A. is so that God can't see what
they are doing down there.
*
Prepare to meet thy GOD! (Evening dress optional)
*
GOD is not dead, but alive and well, and working on a much less ambitious
project.
*
When GOD made women, he was only testing.
*
"Heaven and Earth were created all together in the same instant,
October 23rd, 4004 BC, at nine o'clock in the morning".
*
GOD may have created the World in 6 days, but he didn't have to do it
in triplicate.
*
And GOD said "Let there be light", and there was light, and GOD saw that
is was good, and put the bloody electricity bill up by 4 pence a unit.
*
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're alright now.
*
I used to be schizophrenic, but now I'm lonely.
*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
*
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
*
When a waitress puts the dinner on the table, the old men look at the
dinner & the young men look at the waitress.
*
When turkeys mate they think of swans
*
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her friends.
*
Are contraceptives unavailable for sale during a French postal strike??
*
A girl's best friend are her legs, but even best friends must sometimes
be parted.
*
Women are the best other sex men have, (discounting sheep).
*
She was only a morse code operator's daughter,
but she DID IT, DID IT, DID DID DID IT.
*
When choosing between two evils, I like to take the one I've never tried
before.
*
The greatest labour-saving device of today, is TOMORROW!!
*
A specialist is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
*
The only man to get his work done by Friday, was Robinson Crusoe.
*
Some people get bent with toil, and some get crooked trying to avoid it.
*
A worker's rights are those which belong to him, which he can't have.
*
The first 90% of the task takes 10% of the time.
The last 10% of the task takes 90% of the time.
*
No guts, No Glory!
*
It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
*
Bonking can seriously damage your eyesight, but it's worth the optician's
fees.
*
I said, Prick his Boil!!
*
Blessed are the brief, for they shall have lower phone bills.
*
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
*
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
*
I'm not as thunk as you drink I am.
*
The English find ill health not only interesting but respectable,
and often experience death in the effort to avoid a fuss.
*
Englishmen know instinctively that whatever the world needs most is
whatever is best for Great Britain.
*
When two Englishmen meet their first talk is of the weather.
*
The English never forgive a man for being clever.
*
The English have an extraordinary ability for flying into a great calm.
*
The English never smash in a face.  They merely refrain from asking it to
dinner.
*
Behind every successful man stands an amazed woman.
*
Success to me is having ten honeydew melons and only eating the top half of
each one.
*
If you become a success, you don't change - everyone else does.
*
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  Then quit.  There's no use
being a damned fool about it.
*
The worst part of having success is to try finding someone who is happy
for you.
*
Success is being nothing but a quote.
*
We must believe in luck for how else can we explain the success of those
we don't like?
*
It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
*
Success is one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.
*
Success is a public affair.  Failure is a private funeral.
*
Don't believe those who say we don't give a darn.
*
Work for the Lord - the fringe benefits are out of this world.
*
For sale, Toilet-seat cover.  Barely used.
*
Trust us to truss you.
*
In case of fire, don't panic.  First pay the bill, then run like hell.
*
Second-hand tombstone for sale.  Extraordinary bargain for family named
Schwarzendorfer.
*
One way to stop people from jumping down your throat is to keep your mouth
shut.
*
If you really need glasses, please don't take ours.  Go to an optician.
*
Keep on trying.  It's better to be a has-been than a never-will-be.
*
Gone With The Wind.
*
Lost, ginger cat called Chips.  Answers to Fish.
*
Closed for two weeks.  We Knead the break.
*
Genesis is Good for You.
*
We Skid You Not.
*
Wanted, capable man to handle dynamite.  Must able to travel long
distances.
*
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more...
- the money or the friend
*
Touch if you must, Pay up if you bust.
*
Inflation is what happens when you are broke with a lot of money in your
pocket.
*
Dangerous drugs must be locked up with the ward sister.
*
Our treatment covers a multitude of chins.
*
A driver is safer when the road is dry;
The road is safer when the driver is dry.
*
To let, flat with three rooms, kitchen, bathroom, plus outside toilet at
present occupied by owner.
*
You do not have to get hot in this room.  Please control yourself.
*
Batter late than never.
*
We can supply the Know-How But Not The Common Scents.
*
Leave your body in our hands.
*
Buy now - while shop lasts.
*
"The End of the World."  Lunch afterwards.
*
Stay Friends with Us...Until Debt Us Do Part!
*
Lost, mongrel dog with bad limp due to road accident; ear badly scarred in
fight; wall-eyed; slightly deaf; answers to the name of 'Lucky'.
*
The tax inspector has got what it takes to take what you've got.
*
Our bikinis are like your garden gate...They protect the property without
obscuring the view.
*
Crash Courses: Available For Those Who Wish To Drive QUICKLY.
*
Life is Fragile - Handle it with Prayer
*
It's always the OVERtakers who keep the UNDERtakers busy.
*
You've seen the show...now read the book.
*
Woman is one of natures's agreeable blunders.
*
One of the great advantages of success is that you don't have to listen to
good advice anymore.
*
Love is going home and putting your feet up in front of a roaring wife.
*
Dark room for lovers.  Quick developments.
*
Try our easy terms.  100 per cent down and nothing to pay.
*
This rest room is for the use of ladies only.
In case of emergency, use fire escape.
*
Dont get overcharged in other shops - come in here.
*
Wanted - Man to wash dishes and two waitresses.
*
If you are sitting on top of the world, remember, it turns over every
twenty-four hours.
*
A baby-sitter is a teenager who comes in to act like an adult while the
adults go out and act like teenagers!
*
As maintenance costs are rising every month, parishioners are asked to
kindly cut the grass around their own graves.
*
Eat here - Allah carte
*
My mother made me a homosexual.
(scrawled underneath) If I get her the wool, would she make me one, too?
*
When two trains are approaching each other at a crossing, they shall both
come to a full stop, and neither shall start up until the other has gone.
*
Drivers, take care - do not kill a child.
(written below) Wait for a teacher.
*
We give Breast Results.
*
Money talks - sometimes it screams!
*
Postman, kindly latch our front gate behind you (Signed) The Dog.
(Chalked below) 'Stop chewing my pants first! (Signed) The Postman.
*
Anyone who comes to a psychiatrist needs his head examined!
*
What a simple tune.  It's a wonder nobody thought of it first.
*
Paul Allot drying the wet ball which is a disadvantage in Lancashire's
favour.
*
I don't want to sit on the fence but it could go either way.
*
He's like a needle in a haystack, this man - he's everywhere!
*
There isn't a record in existence that hasn't been broken.
*
I like playing in Sheffield...
it's full of Melancholy happy-go-lucky people.
*
Alex, unlike many other professional players, adds a bit on his cue rather
than put on an extension.
*
And Griffiths has looked at that blue four times now, and it still hasn't
moved.
*
After 12 frames, they stand all square.  The next frame, believe it or not,
is the 13th.
*
But there was still the big prize money - hanging there like a carrot
waiting to be picked.
*
He has to stay level, or one frame behind, that's the only way he can beat
him.
*
That's inches away from being millimetre perfect.
*
Steve, with his sip of water, part of his make-up.
*
Well, the shot would have been safe if the red hadn't ended up over the
pocket.
*
He's completely disappeared.  He's gone back to the dressing room.  Nobody
knows where he has gone.
*
If our swimmers want to win any more medals they'd better put their
skates on.
*
Chris Lloyd came out of the dressing room like a pistol.
*
Strangely enough, Kathy Jordan is going to the net first,
which she always does.
*
Lloyd did what he acheived with that shot.
*
Diane - keeping her head beautifully on her shoulders.
*
That shot he's got to obliterate from his mind a little bit.
*
He has got to sit down and work out where he stands.
*
Martina, she's got several layers of steel out there like a cat with
nine lives.
*
Chip Hooper is such a big man that it is sometimes difficult to see where
he is on the court.
*
Zola Budd: so small, so waif-like, you literally can't see her.
But there she is.
*
If's the first indoor outing this year.
*
There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes.
*
This could be a repeat of what will happen at the European games next week.
*
One of the great unknown champions because very little is known about him.
*
You were treading where no man fears to go.
*
Ernest Vettori, the man of the moment, last year.
*
All three girls, medalists in the Commonwealth Games, continue their duel.
*
You have to talk in metres because nobody under 16 understands feet
nowadays.  The course is 1.6 miles long.
*
Panetta was silver medalist in the European championships, when he led all
the way.
*
She's not Ben Johnson, but then who is?
*
The Italians are hoping for an Italian victory.
*
This race is all about racing.
*
Watch the time - it gives you a good indication of how fast they're
running.
*
The news from the Javelin is that it was won by that winning throw we saw
earlier.
*
Of course it doesn't mean anything, but what it does mean is that Bile is
very relaxed.
*
That would have won him the gold medal in the Championship four years ago
which he won anyway.
*
He's got to stick the boot in, to use a technical term.
*
Henry Marsh, the tail-ender, is right at the back.
*
If this boy keeps his head and keeps running, the sky's at his feet.
*
One thing I must say about this packed meeting, it is absolutly packed.
*
Dave Bedford, the athlete of all time in the 1970s.
*
At the moment Petranoff is ahead by virtue of hhis position at the moment.
*
There are no opportune times for a penalty, and this isn't one of those
times.
*
My mum says I used to fight my way out of the cot.  But I can't remember.
That was before my time.
*
Bruno's strength, in fact, is his strength.
Round 1.  Start of the fight, in fact.
*
That's cricket, Harry, you get these sort of things in boxing.
*
At the finish, it was all over.
*
His face was a mask of blood, I think he must have a cut somewhere.
*
I've never seen a Mexican pushover boxer and this man ccertainly isn't one
of them.
*
England were beaten in the sense that they lost.
*
The wicket didn't do too much, but when it did, it did too much.
*
Gary never had a nickname - he was always called either Gary or The King.
*
Vengsarkar taking a simple catch at square leg, the ball literally dropping
down his throat.
*
The field is not very far behind and these two are not very far in front.
*
There's only one way to go from this, sixty double ten or twenty twenty
double top.
*
Never go for a 50/50 ball unless you're 80/20 sure.
*
Anä there'ó Raù Clemencå lookinç aó coó as ever out in the cold.
*
And the news from Guadalajara, where the temperature is a staggering 96
degrees, is that Falcao is warming up.
*
If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the
same thing again.
*
I am not a believer in luck...but I do believe you need it.
*
I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona.
*
Celtic Manager Davie Hay still hhas a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.
*
I spent four indifferent years at Goodison, but they were great years.
*
It's the only way we can lose, irrespective of the result.
*
He's very fast and if he get's a yeard ahead of himself nobody will
catch him.
*
Peter Reid is hobbling, and I've got a feeling that that will slow him
down.
*
The shot from Laws was precise but wide.
*
Dewalt had all kinds of time momentarily.
*
If we get promotion, let's sit down and see where we stand.
*
Their football was exceptionally good...and they played some good football.
*
This may be a take-away joint, but that doesn't mean customers can take away
our menu cards.
*
It is better to be stupid like everyone than to be clever like no one.
*
Remember, the honeymoon is over when HE says he'll be late for dinner,
and SHE's already left a note saying it's in the fridge.
*
The bigger a man's head grows, the easier it is to fill his shoes.
*
Think before you speak - and you will find yourself with less to talk
about.
*
Three - coarse lunches œ1.15
*
Keep Smiling!  It makes people wonder what you are up to.
*
Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
*
Caution!  Unexpected Stops.  Wife Learning to Drive.
*
For Sale, Smoker's chair.  Solid Ash.
*
Our service is normal on Sunday - except for certain cancellations,
alterations and additions.
*
Tact is the rare talent for not admitting you were right in the first
place.
*
Illiterate?  Write Today for Free Help.
*
Schizophrenia divides and rules, OK?
*
Drop your trousers for best results.
*
A man needs a wife because, sooner or later, something is bound to happen
that he can't blame on the Government.
*
In a hurry?  Why not have a coffee and roll downstairs?
*
It is impossible to please the whole world and your mother-in-law aswell.
*
Credit given only to people over 75 accompanied by their parents.
*
Why risk a hangover?  Stay Drunk!!
*
You can't beat our milk, but you can whip our cream.
*
Women are creatures who wrap men either around their little fingers or
around their front bumpers.
*
Love is being willing to share your toothbrush with someone else.
*
Never forget - a mistake is evidence that someone has tried to do
something.
*
The nicest thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
*
If you think the going is easy, take another look.  You may well be going
downhill.
*
Drinkers who leave while the room is in motion will be doing so at their
own risk.
*
An international crisis is like sex - as long as you keep talking about it,
nothing happens.
*
When you are down and out, something always turns up - and it's usually the
noses of your friends.
*
Brains are never a handicap to a woman if she's smart enough to hide them
under a see-through blouse.
*
The art of communicating with a woman is to hear what she doesn't say.
*
We'd like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?
*
This Tree Hits Cars Only in Self-Defence.
*
Don't start telling me what I mean - Let me figure it out myself.
*
The man who thinks he's smarter than his wife is married to a clever woman.
*
Peanuts:     The Drinking Man's Filter.
*
I agree with everything you are saying but I must admit you are wrong.
*
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, but always with
the same person.
*
Driving with one hand on the wheel and one hand on the girl satisfies
neither the Highway Patrol nor the girl.
*
Don't be indispensable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
*
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more
than he knows.
*
Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question!
*
For sale - handsome Basset Hound.  Can be seen at above address in the
evening or heard within a two mile radius at dawn.
*
Blood donors wanted.  Help keep us in the RED.
*
Look after the pence, and the tax-man will take care of the pounds.
*
Our home-made claret competition was a big success.
Winners : Mrs Arnold (fruity, well rounded),
Mrs Stephens (fine colour and full-bodied),
and Miss Smith (slightly acid).
*
Husbands ordering specially mixed colours must have signed note from their
wives.
*
Call Us Any Time, Night or Day.  We Always DELIVER.
*
Please note - this invoice is now overdue the original was witten on
papyrus!
*
A dangerous fanatic is someone who would be a Dedicated Idealist if he
happened to be on your side.
*
If you keep blowing your own horn, people are going to be quick to get out
of your way.
*
Congregation members wanted.  No experience necessary.
*
Don't kiss our girls.  They're all tellers.
*
Kissing don't last.  Cookery do!
*
Will ladies kindly empty teapots and kettles and then stand upside down in
the sink.
*
Always borrow from a pessimist - He doesn't expect his money back.
*
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
*
Dinner on tomorrow's trip to Madrid will be provided free since the cost
has already been added to the original price of the ticket.
*
Lecture on Clairvoyance cancelled - owing to unforeseen circumstances
*
If you with litter will disgrace,
And Spoil the Beauty of This Place,
May Indigestion Rack Your Chest,
And Ants Invade Your Pants and Vest.
*
The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with a photograph
of herself.
*
Will the man who picked up mink coat at the Dunes Hotel Sunday night please
return the smart blonde who was in it.  No quoestions asked.
- Lonely Husband.
*
If you really want to let the rest of the world go by, make sure you drive
within the speed limit.
*
An argument is where two people are trying to get the LAST word in FIRST!
*
If it weren't for the last minute, an awful lot of things would never get
done.
*
Buy Land Now.  It's Not Being Made Any More.
*
We Are Open Seven Days A Week, Including Sundays.
*
Everyone should live within his means these days - even if he has to borrow
to do it.
*
Divorces $85.  Satisfaction Guaranteed or Your Partner Back!
*
Stretch the Truth and your Story will wear Thin!
*
True love is when you spend $50 for an operation on a $5 dog.
*
There will be no last bus from here tonight.
*
The try-angle will take you round the hardest of corners.
*
Tact is the rare talent of not quite telling the truth.
*
There's nothing like the new TV shows to take your mind off entertainment.
*
If you can't see what you want, you're at the right shop.
*
Trespassers Admitted.  Our bull will charge later.
*
No pushing, except in an emergency.
*
Be Yourself!  There isn't anyone better qualified.
*
Etiquette is knowing which fingers to put in your mouth when you whistle
for the waiter.
*
Used bicycle for Girl with Leather Seat.
*
Messages from Wives and Loved Ones Taken in Rough Translation.
Verbatim cannot be guaranteed.
*
Now you've passed your test, don't try and pass everything.
*
The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a
success.
*
Remind me never to put off until tomorrow the things I've already put off
until today.
*
Spectators are requested NOT to fall into excavation so as not to injure
workmen.
*
Never wait for something to turn up - Get busy and turn it up yourself.
*
It is not the company's policy to let employees go home
Friday nights as tired as they come in on Monday mornings.
*
If you want to pull the wool over your wife's eyes, be sure to use a good
yarn.
*
At the last count, gossip was running down more people than automobiles.
*
The old churchyard has been sadly neglacted bacause there have been no
burials for 20 years.  Please encourage everyone to remedy the situation.
*
Old age is like everything else.  To make a success of it, you've got to
start young.
*
Matrimony was the first union to defy management.
*
Confidence is the feeling you have before you know better.
*
Remember the tortoise - you only make headway if you stick your neck out.
*
Anatomy section closed due to strike.  Skeleton service available.
*
During working hours staff are not allowed to eat anything outside the
canteen except the gate-house attendant.
*
Better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved a tall.
*
We have new items every Monday.
*
If one half of the world knew how the other half lived, they wouldn't pay
their bills either.
*
Warning: Politicians can damage your wealth.
*
...licensing hours are extended through the afternoon 'on each Sunday of
the year (except Sunday, Christmas Day and Good Friday)'
*
Make your MP work.  Don't re-elect him.
*
Everything for your pets.  Send s.a.e. for free ill. cat.
*
Make somebody happy - wring Buzby's neck.
*
So you think I'm a bad driver.  You should see me putt.
*
British Rail stabbed us in the back by blowing the talks out of the water
before they even got off the ground.
*
The answer's an affirmative 'Yes'.
*
That's what batting's all about - knowing where the stumps are.
*
You seem to be batting into sticky water.
*
I hope no-one's house is burning down.  It's much too nice a day to be left
without a house.
*
You have a real feel for the history of the past, don't you?
*
If you can imagine a clock face, the wind is coming from about half-past
two.
*
And with 35 minutes gone, it's Barcelona 2, Sofia 1.  Just the kind of
result we were expecting at this stage, except that the Bulgarians have
scored.
*
We can't sit here and stand for it.
*
You're a sort of Rupert Murdoch of Australia, aren't you?
*
He seems to have found a chink in Chang's armour.
*
He certainly looks older than he did last year.
*
He's wise enough in the ways of the world to realize he's got to play as
many balls as he can.
*
Cahill's courage...courage one can expect from a man whose father captains
an Adelaide bowls team.
*
That was an absolutely booming second service, it took off like a
parachute.
*
Steffi (Graf) has a tremendous presence when you're standing right next to
her.
*
Michael Chang is very young but mature in years.
*
The fact that he has won has probably done him more good than harm.
*
But now he has to consummate the lead...and that's not always easy.
*
Many supporters say they wouldn't stand for all-seater stadiums.
*
You know, the Brazilians aren't as good as they used to be, or as they are
now.
*
Let me then switch tacks and change horses in midstream.
*
Omens are there to be broken.
*
Bangkok is probably the most unique city in the world.
*
Incidentally, by the way.
*
I'd like to play Scrooge in Oliver Twist
*
There's no smoke without mud being flung around.
*
Stuart Pearce, who leads from the front, even though he plays from the
back.
*
Businessmen should stand or fall on their own two feet.
*
Well I think Arsenal will either win or lose the championship this year.
*
He's doing well...he's letting his legs do the running.
*
Interviewer : "Why did you decide to put your head above the parapet on this
issue?"
Tory MP     : "To gauge the temperature of the water."
*
After banging your head against a brick wall for long enough you'd think
that some of it would rub off.
*
I used to sit in your seat, so I know exactly where you stand.
*
The world is so big and so global now.
*
There's one thing that the troubles in Belfast won't kill - and that's the
people.
*
What's your name, Kate?
*
...you'll be able to read it in black and white tomorrow, and if you get
the Financial Times, you'll see it in pink and white.
*
I don't know how old that horse is, but it certainly doesn't look it.
*
A man in love is incomplete until he has married - then he's finished.
*
Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair
kit.
*
Marriage isn't a process of prolonging the life of love, but of mummifying
the corpse.
*
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy
*
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge then to let him
keep her.
*
Marriage is like life in this: it is a field of bettle and not a bed of
roses.
*
A wedding is a happy funeral.
*
Marriage is the result of the longing for the deep, deep peace of the
double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise longue.
*
And I suppose, per head of population, a really tremendous ovation from
this crowd...
*
He's doing the best he can do - He's making the worst of a bad job.
*
Of his (Botham's) innings yesterday, soon said least mended, I think.
*
That should arrest the non-movement of the score board.
*
Everything was falling around beside him.
*
That strike rate, just under forty deliveries a ball.
*
America is the country where you buy a lifetime's supply of asprin for one
dollar and use it in two weeks.
*
Americans like fat books and thin women.
*
The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide open spaces
surrounded by teeth.
*
It is absurd to say there are neither ruins or curiosities in America when
they have their mothers and their manners.
*
In America you watch TV and think it's totally unreal -
then you step outside and it's just the same.
*
What a pity when Christopher Columbus discovered America that he even
mentioned it.
*
I've been a New Yorker for ten years, and the only people who are nice to
us turn out to be moonies.
*
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
*
Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his
retreat.
*
Young men want to be faithful, and are not;  Old men want to be faithless,
and cannot.
*
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
*
The old believe everything, the middle aged suspect everything,
the young know everything.
*
Only people who look dull ever get into the House of Commons,
and only people who are dull ever succeed there.
*
Moderation is a fatal thing - nothing succeeds like excess.
*
Every woman is a rebel, and usually in wild revolt against herself.
*
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
*
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time
to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
*
... he's a fully-fledged internationalist in the making.
*
... they're players who are half a yard quicker in their minds,
so their don't need to be there.
*
At the end of the day, it's nil-nil at half time.
*
... Coe, winding down the curtain on an era of days gone by...
*
If the second half is anything like the first, England will certainly be
defending the goal to our right.
*
A touch of Vivaldi here - Albinoni's Concerto in D Major.
*
Norman's greatest quality has always been his quality.
*
There's never a good time to score an own goal against yourself.
*
JOHN MOTSON : "Well, Trevor, what does this substitution mean tactically?"
TREVOR BROOKING : "Well, Barnes has come off and Rocastle has come on..."
*
Our members will be grasping the bull by the horns only to find it's
a damp squid.
*
I aim to prove I'm the boxer some people say I am, and some people say
I'm not.
*
The game finely balanced with Celtic well on top...
*
The score is Liverpool 0, Norwich 0, and it's only the absence of a goal
that we're waiting for.
*
He's the one rotten apple who turns out to be the good egg.
*
I'll decide when I write my obituary.
*
There's Kallicharan chasing after it, his legs going even faster than
he is!
*
When those stalls open, the horses are literally going to explode.
*
But to paraphrase a famous saying, who cares?
*
... 18 months ago they (Sweden) were arguably one of the best teams in
Europe, and that would include Germany and Holland and Russia and...
anybody else if you like.
*
... with Robert Millar and Gianetti quite literally exploding into the
streets of Cardiff.
*
... and I wouldn't like to be sitting in Alain Prost's shoes right now.
*
If he gets a yard ahead of himself, they won't catch him.
*
A silence that's been graced by silence at Old Trafford this afternoon...
*
Fair enough, he was in an offside position, but I don't think he was
offside.
*
That was exactly the same place where Senna overtook Nannini that he did
not overtake Alain Prost.
*
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
*
I love children - especially when they cry, for then someone takes
them away.
*
It is no wonder people are so horrible when they start life as children.
*
Insanity is hereditary - you can get it from your children
*
The thing that impresses me most about Americans is the way parents obey
their children.
*
Children are the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both
easy to beat and fun to cheat.
*
I love children - parboiled.
*
Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them;
rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.
*
It is customarily said that Christmas is done for the kids -
considering how awful Christmas is, and how little our society likes
children, this must be true.
*
Asking a working writer what he feels about critics is like asking
a lamppost what he feels about dogs.
*
Pay no attention to what the critics say - no statue has ever been put
up to a critic.
*
A drama critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
*
Rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't
talk, for people who can't read.
*
Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a
pretty neck.
*
My mother - who was an alertly respectable woman - told me at an early age
that I was not to play with critics.
*
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've seen
it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
*
Critics always want to put you into pigeonholes, which can be very
uncomfortable unless you happen to be a pigeon.
*
Star Trek Lives!
*
Live long and prosper.
-- Spock, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
Totally illogical, there was no chance.
-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.
-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3259.2.
*
We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of
superior development.
-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3211.7.
*
Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!
-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3
*
The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the
simplicity of play.
-- Kirk, "Shore Leave," stardate 3025.8.
*
When a child is taught ... it's programmed with simple instructions --
and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum
of what it was taught, thinks independently.
-- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
No problem is insoluble.
-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years," stardate 3479.4.
*
Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis.
You can't simply say, "Today I will be brilliant."
-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3
*
Men don't talk peace unless they're ready to back it up with war.
-- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
*
Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
-- Spock, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
*
There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to
face .... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of
ourselves as gods.
-- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow," stardate 4768.3
*
It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor
felt can do so much harm.
That's true.  But an idea can't be seen or felt.  And that's
what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries.  A
mistaken idea.
-- Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5819.0
*
Insufficient facts always invite danger.
-- Spock, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
*
History tends to exaggerate.
-- Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
*
Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the
same mistakes.
-- John Gill, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
*
... freedom ... is a worship word...
It is our worship word too.
-- Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
... the prejudices people feel about each other disappear when
they get to know each other.
-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius," stardate 4372.5.
*
There's a way out of any cage.
-- Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"),
stardate unknown.
*
Most legends have their basis in facts.
-- Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead," stardate 5029.5.
*
Many Myths are based on truth.
-- Spock, "The Way to Eden,"  stardate 5832.3.
*
Is truth not truth for all?
-- Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched
the Sky," stardate 5476.4.
*
There is an order of things in this universe.
-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?," stardate 3468.1.
*
Time is fluid ... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash.
-- Spock, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate 3134.0.
*
Without freedom of choice there is no creativity.
-- Kirk, "The return of the Archons," stardate 3157.4.
*
Change is the essential process of all existence.
-- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield," stardate 5730.2.
*
A little suffering is good for the soul.
-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver," stardate 1514.0.
*
If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.
-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.7.
*
Killing is stupid; useless!
-- McCoy, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
We have the right to survive!
Not by killing others.
-- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye," stardate 5710.5.
*
Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God.
-- M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready.
-- Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever,"
stardate unknown
*
Killing is wrong.
-- Losira, "That Which Survives," stardate unknown.
*
Madness has no purpose.  Or reason.  But it may have a goal.
-- Spock, "The Alternative Factor," stardate 3088.7.
*
Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point.  Men
become insensitive.
-- Eneg, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
*
No one may kill a man.  Not for any purpose.  It cannot be condoned.
-- Kirk, "Spock's Brain," stardate 5431.6.
*
Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.
-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind," stardate 2715.1.
*
Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages.  And we can all
be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses.
-- Parmen, "Plato's Stepchildren," stardate 5784.3.
*
Violence in reality is quite different from theory.
-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4.
*
If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd
still tend to protect that child.
-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
What happened to the crewman?
The M-5 computer needed a new power source; the crewman merely
got in the way.
And how long will it be before we all "just get in the way?"
-- Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer,
stardate 4731.3.
*
A father doesn't destroy his children.
-- Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
After a time, you may find that 'having' is not so pleasing a thing,
after all, as 'wanting.'  It is not logical, but it is often true.
-- Spock, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
Youth doesn't excuse everything.
-- Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder,"
stardate 5928.5.
*
Without followers, evil cannot spread.
-- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead," stardate 5029.5.
*
Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth.
Or by misleading the innocent.
-- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead," stardate 5029.5.
*
It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted.
-- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.5.
*
Yes, it is written.  Good shall always destroy evil.
-- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.
-- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
*
Beauty is transitory.
Beauty survives.
-- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives," stardate unknown.
*
Another dream that failed.  There's nothing sadder.
-- Kirk, "This side of Paradise," stardate 3417.3.
*
We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine.
But when it comes to your job -- that's different.  And it
always will be different.
-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4729.4.
*
Not one hundred percent efficient, of course ... but nothing ever is.
-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
There are always alternatives.
-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
No one can guarantee the actions of another.
-- Spock, "Day of the Dove," stardate unknown.
*
Every living thing wants to survive.
-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
It is necessary to have purpose.
-- Alice #1, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
Virtue is a relative term.
-- Spock, "Friday's Child," stardate 3499.1.
*
I am pleased to see that we have differences.  May we together
become greater than the sum of both of us.
-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
*
A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without breathing.
-- Kirk, "The Menagerie," stardate 3012.4.
*
Vulcans worship peace above all.
-- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow," stardate 4768.3.
*
The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity.
And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty.
-- Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock, "Is There in Truth No Beauty?,"
stardate 5630.8.
*
Emotions are alien to me.  I'm a scientist.
-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.3.
*
Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force.
-- Amanda, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.3.
*
Vulcans do not approve of violence.
-- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
*
The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile.
Yes, the philosophy of 'nome,' meaning 'all.'
-- Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
*
Pain is a thing of the mind.  The mind can be controlled.
-- Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2.
*
It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which
is logical and beneficial.  We cannot disregard that philosophy
merely for personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.
-- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
*
Vulcans never bluff.
-- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine," stardate 4202.1.
*
On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy.  To me,
it is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy,
instead of saving it.
-- Spock, "Shore Leave," stardate 3025.2.
*
I object to intellect without discipline; I object to power without
constructive purpose.
-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2124.5.
*
Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
-- Spock, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2124.5.
*
We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die.  Only the
strong should live.
-- Kras, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
*
I thought my people would grow tired of killing.  But you were
right, they see it is easier than trading.  And it has its
pleasures.  I feel it myself.  Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.
-- Apella, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
We do not colonize.  We conquer.  We rule.  There is no other way
for us.
-- Rojan, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
*
Romulan women are not like Vulcan females.  We are not dedicated to
pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion.
-- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.3.
*
Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.
-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3193.9.
*
The release of emotion is what keeps us healthy.  Emotionally healthy.
That may be, Doctor.  However, I have noted that the healthy release
of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you.
-- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren," stardate 5784.3.
*
Compassion -- that's the one thing no machine ever had.  Maybe it's
the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.
-- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
One does not thank logic.
-- Sarek, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
*
You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude.  You're
welcome, I believe, is the correct response.
-- Spock, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4041.2.
*
Insults are effective only where emotion is present.
-- Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?"  stardate 3468.1.
*
We have phasers; I vote we blast 'em!
-- Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver," stardate 1514.2.
*
You're too beautiful to ignore.  Too much woman.
-- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within," stardate unknown.
*
Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is
always a woman.
-- Kirk, "Conscience of the King," stardate unknown.
*
Respect is a rational process.
-- McCoy, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable.
-- Spock, "The Enterprise" Incident," stardate 5027.3
*
Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here.
You admit that?
To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor.
-- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action," stardate unknown.
*
You can't evaluate a man by logic alone.
-- McCoy, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
Life and death are seldom logical.
But attaining a desired goal always is.
-- McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2821.7.
*
It would be illogical to kill without reason.
-- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
*
Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away
with jealousy, greed, hate....
It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment
-- the other side of the coin.
-- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?,"
stardate 2712.4
*
Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically.  You must
rely on your human intuition.
-- Spock, "Assignment:  Earth," stardate unknown.
*
You say you are lying.  But if everything you say is a lie, then you
are telling the truth.  You cannot tell the truth because everything
you say is a lie.  You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot,
for you lie.
-- Norman the android, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.
-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war
and death --
And make them spend it on life.
-- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever,"
stardate unknown.
*
Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest.  When we do battle,
it is only because we have no choice.
-- Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2124.5.
*
We fight only when there is no other choice.  We prefer the ways of
peaceful contact.
-- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun," stardate 4385.3.
*
Only a fool fights in a burning house.
-- Kank the Klingon, "Day of the Dove," stardate unknown.
*
Our way is peace.
-- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses,"
stardate 4040.7.
*
Men of peace usually are [brave].
-- Spock, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.5.
*
You're dead, Jim.
-- McCoy, "The Tholian Web," stardate unknown.
*
No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war.
He talks of peace if it is the only way to live.
-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain,"
stardate 5906.5.
*
There's another way to survive.  Mutual trust -- and help.
-- Kirk, "Day of the Dove," stardate unknown.
*
If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.
-- Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
It's [war is] instinctive.  But the instinct can be fought. We're
human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands!
But we can stop it.  We can admit that we're killers...but we're not
going to kill today.  That's all it takes!  Knowing that we're not
going to kill today!
-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3193.0.
*
Actual war is a very messy business.  Very, very messy business.
-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3193.0.
*
War isn't a good life, but it's life.
-- Kirk, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries.
But you imprison those who employ it privately.
-- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind," stardate 2715.1.
*
Another war...must it always be so?  How many comrades have we lost
in this way?...  Obedience.  Duty.  Death, and more death...
-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.2.
*
There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy.  There
is nothing good in war.  Except its ending.
-- Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.5.
*
...bacteriological warfare...hard to believe we were once foolish
enough to play around with that.
-- McCoy, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is
not stopped.
-- Spock, "Day of the Dove," stardate unknown.
*
War is never imperative.
-- McCoy, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.2
*
Another Armenia, Belgium...the weak innocents who always seem to
be located on a natural invasion route.
-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3198.4.
*
No one wants war.
-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
Death.  Destruction.  Disease.  Horror.  That's what war is all
about.  That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.
-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3193.0.
*
Peace was the way.
-- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
*
The face of war has never changed.  Surely it is more logical to
heal than to kill.
-- Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.5.
*
Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship...and a star to
steer her by..."  You could feel the wind at your back, about you...
the sounds of the sea beneath you.  And even if you take away the
wind and the water, it's still the same.  The ship is yours...you
can feel her...and the stars are still there.
-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4729.4.
*
I've already got a female to worry about.  Her name is the Enterprise.
-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver," stardate 1514.0.
*
I'm a soldier, not a diplomat.  I can only tell the truth.
-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3198.9.
*
One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask
for advice without necessarily having to take it.
-- Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind," stardate 2715.2.
*
Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.
-- Kirk, "Obsession," stardate 3620.7.
*
A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life,
even his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.
-- Kirk, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
The man on top walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command
is often a noose.
-- McCoy, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2818.9.
*
Either one of us, by himself, is expendable.  Both of us are not.
-- Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark," stardate 3196.1.
*
Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no
wish to serve under them.  Captain, a starship also runs on
loyalty to one man.  And nothing can replace it or him.
-- Spock, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4729.4.
*
I realize that command does have its fascination, even under
circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command
nor am I frightened of it.  It simply exists, and I will do whatever
logically needs to be done.
-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2812.7.
*
The only solution is...a balance of power.  We arm our side with
exactly that much more.  A balance of power -- the trickiest,
most difficult, dirtiest game of them all.  But the only one that
preserves both sides.
-- Kirk, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
You speak of courage.  Obviously you do not know the difference
between courage and foolhardiness.  Always it is the brave ones
who die, the soldiers.
-- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
First study the enemy.  Seek weakness.
-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.2.
*
You are an excellent tactician, Captain.  You let your second in
command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.
-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
*
For thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.
-- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove," stardate unknown.
*
Conquest is easy.  Control is not.
-- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror," stardate unknown.
*
If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.
-- Kirk, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
*
Power is danger.
-- The Centurion, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.2.
*
Military secrets are the most fleeting of all.
-- Spock, "The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.4.
*
Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.
-- Kirk, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.2.
*
The idea of male and female are universal constants.
-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure
is in the learning of each other?
-- Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is
Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky," stardate 5476.3.
*
There's only one kind of woman....
Or man, for that matter.
You either believe in yourself or you don't.
-- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women," stardate 1330.1.
*
This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function --
you realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.
-- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4658.9.
*
Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe.
-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
Women professionals do tend to over-compensate.
-- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before,"
stardate 1312.9.
*
Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.
-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4.
*
Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
Landru!  Guide us!
-- A Beta 3 person, "The Return of the Archons," stardate 3157.4
*
You!  What PLANET is this?
-- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate 3134.0.
*
Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
-- Spock, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
No more blah, blah, blah!
-- Kirk, "Miri," stardate 2713.6.
*
But it's real.  And if it's real it can be affected...
we may not be able to break it, but, I'll bet you
credits to Navy Beans we can put a dent in it.
-- deSalle, "Catspaw," stardate 3018.2.
*
There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
-- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3193.9.
*
Witch!  Witch!  They'll burn ya!
-- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday," stardate unknown.
*
Wait!  You have not been prepared!
-- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday," stardate 3113.2.
*
A woman should have compassion.
-- Kirk, "Catspaw," stardate 3018.2.
*
There is an old custom among my people.  When a woman saves a
man's life, he is grateful.
-- Nona, the Kanuto witch woman, "A Private Little War,"
stardate 4211.8.
*
Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman
always remains a woman.
-- Kirk, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2818.9.
*
Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating
more sheer horror than the male of the species.
-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
*
That unit is a woman.
A mass of conflicting impulses.
-- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling," stardate 3541.9.
*
It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is
not hers.
-- Spock, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
Men will always be men -- no matter where they are.
-- Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women," stardate 1329.8.
*
There are certain things men must do to remain men.
-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4929.4.
*
I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct
answer to any question.
-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.3.
*
Oh, that sound of male ego.  You travel halfway across the galaxy
and it's still the same song.
-- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women," stardate 1330.1.
*
A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to
protect her.
-- McCoy, "Shore Leave," stardate 3025.3.
*
Get back to your stations!
We're beaming down to the planet, sir.
-- Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.3
*
You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're
supposed to be.  Caring for each other, being happy with each
other, being good to each other.  That's what we call love.
You'll like that a lot.
-- Kirk, "The Apple," stardate 3715.6
*
Do you know about being with somebody?  Wanting to be?  If I had
the whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice.  When I see you,
I feel like I'm hungry all over.  Do you know how that feels?
-- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X," stardate 1535.8.
*
You go slow, be gentle.  It's no one-way street -- you know how
you feel and that's all.  It's how the girl feels too.  Don't press.
If the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.
-- Kirk, "Charlie X," stardate 1535.8.
*
Each kiss is as the first.
-- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome," stardate 4842.6.
*
Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice.
-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3220.3.
*
Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).
-- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar," stardate 5725.6.
*
The heart is not a logical organ.
-- Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years," stardate 3479.4.
*
It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially
if they're attractive in some way.
-- McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles," stardate 4525.6.
*
What kind of love is that?  Not to be loved; never to have shown love.
-- Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.
-- Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow,"
stardate 4770.3.
*
... the things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies,
the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the
glorious failures and the glorious victories.
-- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
*
The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.
-- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome," stardate 4842.6.
*
The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her.
-- Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5842.8.
*
Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.
-- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles," stardate 4525.6.
*
A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on
and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
*
The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred.
That the love of life is the greatest gift .. we are incapable
of destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we
love so deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.
-- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
To live is always desirable.
-- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child," stardate 3498.9.
*
When dreams become more important than reality, you give up
travel, building, creating; you even forget how to repair the
machines left behind by your ancestors.  You just sit living and
reliving other lives left behind in the thought records.
-- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
*
Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
-- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
*
We [Doctors and Bartenders] both get the same two kinds of
customers -- the living and the dying.
-- Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
*
There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion].  It's just
another life form, that's all.  You get used to those things.
-- McCoy, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
Immortality consists largely of boredom.
-- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even
vegetarians.
-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
*
Blast medicine anyway!  We've learned to tie into every organ in the
human body but one.  The brain!  The brain is what life is all about.
-- McCoy, "The Menagerie," stardate 3012.4.
*
Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie.
-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed," stardate 3142.8.
*
Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
-- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
*
The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].
-- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
*
There are some things worth dying for.
-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
What a terrible way to die [Lt. D'Amato by having every cell disrupted].
There are no good ways.
-- Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives," stardate unknown.
*
I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
The games have always strengthened us.  Death becomes a familiar
pattern.  We don't fear it as you do.
-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4041.2.
*
To all mankind -- may we never find space so vast, planets so cold,
heart and mind so empty that we cannot fill them with love and warmth
-- Garth, "Dagger of the Mind," stardate 2715.2.
*
He gave his life in an attempt to save others.  Not the worst way to go.
-- Kirk, "The Doomsday Machine," stardate 4202.9
*
Liberty and freedom have to be more than just words.
-- Kirk, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
Look at these three words written larger than all the rest, and with
special pride never written before or since -- tall words, proudly
saying "We the people" .. these words and the words that follow ...
must apply to everyone or they mean nothing.
-- Kirk, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
We once were as you are.  Spears and arrows.  There came a time when
our weapons grew faster than our wisdom, and we almost destroyed
ourselves.  We learned from this to make a rule during all our travels
never to cause the same to happen to other worlds ... just as a man
must grow in his own way and his own time.
-- Kirk, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
There are certain absolutes, and one of them is the right of humanoids
to a free and unchained environment -- the right to have conditions
which permit growth.
Another is their right to choose that system which seems to work best
for them.
-- McCoy and Spock, "The Apple," stardate 3715.6.
*
Human beings do not survive on bread alone ... but on the nourishments
of liberty.  For what indeed is a man without freedom ... naught but
a mechanism, trapped in the cogwheels of eternity.
-- Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
There are many who are uncomfortable with what we have created.  It is
almost a biological rebellion.  A profound revulsion against the planned
communities, the programming, the sterilized, artfully balanced
atmospheres.  They hunger for an Eden, where spring comes.
We all do.  The cave is deep in our memories.
-- Spock and Kirk, "The Way to Eden," stardate 5832.3.
*
All the little things you and I understand and expect from life, such
as:  equality; kindness; justice ...
-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4.
*
A species that enslaves other beings is hardly superior -- mentally
or otherwise.
-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3211.7.
*
It's wrong to create a whole race of humans to live as slaves.
-- Number One, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
*
To restrict a segment of the population to such hardship is unthinkable
in an evolved culture.
-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4
*
The highest of all our laws states your world is yours and will
always remain yours.
-- Kirk, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
*
I don't think we have the right or the wisdom to interfere, however
a planet is evolving.
-- Kirk, "The Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
It is one of our most important laws that none of us may interfere
with the affairs of others.
-- Kirk, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.7.
*
Our people don't believe in slavery.
-- Kirk, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.7.
*
We are wise enugh to know we are wise enough not to interfere with
the way of a man or another world.
-- Kirk, "A Private Little War," stardate 4211.8.
*
How will we live?
You'll learn to build houses to keep warm.  You'll work. ... Humans
have survived under worse conditions.  It's a matter of evolution.
Give it time.
-- Kara the Eymorg and Kirk, "Spock's Brain," stardate 5432.3.
*
The only tool diplomacy has is language.
-- Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
We're free people.  We belong to no one.
-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3259.2.
*
To kill is a breaking of civil and moral laws we've lived by for
thousands of years.
-- Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4731.3.
*
We must acknowledge once and for all that the purpose of diplomacy
is to prolong a crisis.
-- Spock, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
Diplomacy should be a job left to diplomats.
-- Ambassador Fox, "A Taste of Armageddon," stardate 3192.5.
*
In every revolution, there's one man with a vision.
-- Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror," stardate unknown.
*
The customs and history of your race show a unique hatred of captivity.
Even when it's pleasant and benevolent, you prefer death.  This makes
you too violent and dangerous a species for our needs.
-- The Keeper, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown.
*
Diplomats and bureaucrats may function differently, but they
achieve exactly the same results.
-- Spock, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
Philosophic kings have no need of titles.
-- Parmen the Platonian, "Plato's Stepchildren," stardate 5784.3.
*
It's time you learned that freedom is never a gift.  It has to be earned.
-- Kirk, "The Return of the Archons," stardate 3157.4.
*
The problem with the Nazis wasn't simply that their leaders were the
evil, psychotic men they were.  But the main problem, I think was
the leader principle.
A man who holds that much power, even with the best intentions, just
can resist the urge to play God.
-- Kirk and McCoy, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
*
You're from the planet Earth.  There is no persecution on your
planet.
There was persecution on Earth once; I remember reading about it in my
history class.
-- Lokai of Cheron and Chekov, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield,"
stardate 5730.2.
*
You'll learn to care for yourselves, with our help.  And there's no
trick to putting fruit on trees; you might even enjoy it.  You'll learn
to build for yourselves, think for yourselves, and what you create is
yours.  That's what we call freedom.  You'll like it.  A lot.
-- Kirk, "The Apple," stardate 3715.6.
*
I know this world needs help.  That's why some of my generation are
kind of crazy and rebels.  We wonder if we're going to be alive
when we're thirty.
-- Roberta Lincoln, "Assignment Earth," stardate unknown.
*
If change is -- inevitable -- predictable -- beneficial -- doesn't
logic demand that you be a part of it?
One man cannot summon the future.
But one man can change the present!
-- Kirk and the Alternate Spock, "Mirror, Mirror," stardate unknown
*
If you're speaking of worships of sorts, we represent many beliefs.
-- McCoy, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.7.
*
Only a fool would stand in the way of progress.
-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer," stardate 4725.4.
*
Physical reality is consistent with universal laws.  Where the laws do
not operate, there is no reality -- we judge reality by the responses
of our senses.  Once we are convinced of the reality of a given
situation, we abide by its rules.
-- Spock, "Spectre of the Gun," stardate 4385.3.
*
Physical laws simply cannot be ignored.  Existence cannot be without them.
-- Spock, "Spectre of the Gun," stardate 4385.3.
*
We exist in a universe which co-exists with a multitude of others in the
same physical space.  For certain brief periods of time, an area of
their space overlaps an area of ours.
-- Spock, "The Tholian Web," stardate 5693.2.
*
Possible existence of a parallel universe has been scientifically
conceded.
-- Spock, "The Alternative Factor," stardate 3088.7.
*
We estimate there are millions of planets with intelligent life.  We
haven't begun to map them.
-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
I remind you that humans are only a tiny minority in this galaxy.
-- Spock, "The Apple," stardate 3715.6.
*
What are the odds in such absolute duplication of life forms in
another galaxy?
The chances are very much against it.
-- Kirk and Spock, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
*
Light and warmth!  That's necessary to all humanoids.
-- Kirk, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4.
*
Without water, we're all just three or four pounds of chemicals.
-- McCoy, "the Omega Glory," stardate unknown.
*
The actual theory is that all life forms evolved from the lower levels
to the more advanced stages.
-- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield," stardate 5730.2.
*
A mutated, superior man could also be a wonderful thing ... the
forerunner of a new and better kind of human being!
-- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before,"
stardate 1312.9.
*
They're [androids are] perfect.  Flawless, mentally and physically. No
weaknesses, perfectly disciplined.  No vices, no fears, no faults. Just
a sense of purpose.
-- McCoy, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
If it is the only survivor of a dead race, to kill it would be a crime
against science.
-- Spock, "The Devil in the Dark," stardate 3196.1.
*
Instruments register only through things they're designed to register.
Space still contains infinite unknowns.
-- Spock, "The Naked Time," stardate 1704.2.
*
Back in the twentieth century, the H-bomb was the ultimate weapon,
their doomsday machine.  And we used something like it to destroy
another doomsday machine.  Probably the first time such a weapon has
ever been used for constructive purposes.
-- Kirk, "The Doomsday Machine," stardate 4202.9.
*
There are certain universal ideas and concepts common to all intelligent
life.  This device [the universal translator] instantaneously compares
the frequency of brain wave patterns, selects those ideas and concepts
it recognizes, and then provides the necessary grammar.
Then it simply translates its findings into English.
-- Kirk and Spock, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
Earth history, remember?  Like the passenger pigeon or the buffalo ...
once there were millions of them; prairies black with them.  One herd
covered three whole states.  When they moved -- like thunder.
-- Professor Robert Crater, "The Man Trap," stardate 1513.8.
*
As we know, the value of pi is a transcendental figure without
resolution.
-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
*
Less than one ounce of anti-matter here is more powerful than
ten thousand cobalt bombs.
Let's hope it's as powerful as man will ever get.
-- Ensign Garrovick and Kirk, "Obsession," stardate 3620.7.
*
If I let go a hammer on a planet having a positive gravity, I need not
see it fall to know that it has, in fact, fallen.
-- Spock, "Court Martial," stardate 2948.9.
*
Crazy way to travel.  Spreading a man's molecules all over the universe.
-- McCoy, "Obsession," 3620.7.
*
All men are brothers.
-- Kirk, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.9.
*
...humanity...[the] striving of man to achieve greatness through
his own resources.
-- Anton Karidian, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2819.1.
*
To be human is also to seek pleasure.  To laugh -- to dance.
-- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
*
Being human does have certain advantages -- being able to appreciate
the beauty of a flower, of a woman.
-- Kirk, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4658.9.
*
... the intellect is not all -- but its cultivation must come first,
or the individual makes errors -- wastes time in unprofitable pursuits.
-- Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
*
My people pride themselves on being the greatest, most successful
gamblers in the universe.  We compete for everything:  power, fame,
women.  Everything we desire.  And it is our nature to win!  For
proof I offer you our exploration of this galaxy.
-- Kirk, "The gamesters of Triskelion," stardate unknown.
*
Freedom of movement and choice produced the human spirit.
-- Dr. Brown, "What are Little Girls Made Of?" stardate 2712.4.
*
Our species can only survive if we have obstacles to overcome.  You
remove those obstacles.  Without them to strengthen us, we will
weaken and die.
-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3220.3.
*
We're the same.  We share the same history, the same heritage, the same
lives.  We're tied together beyond any untying.  Man or woman, it makes
no difference.  We're human.  We couldn't escape from each other even
if we wanted to -- that's how you do it, Lieutenant!  By remembering who
and what you are!  A bit of flesh and blood afloat in a universe without
end.  And the only thing that's truly yours is the rest of humanity.
That's where your duty lies!
-- Kirk, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
The semi-conscious mind is a tricky thing.  A man never knows just how
much is real or how much is imagination.
-- McCoy, "Obsession," stardate 3620.7.
*
It's the custom of my people to help one another when we're in trouble.
-- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3259.2.
*
We've each learned to be delighted with what we are.
-- Kirk, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
*
Where I come from, size shape or color makes no difference.
-- Kirk, "Plato's Stepchildren," stardate 5784.3.
*
In our century, we've learned not to fear words.
-- Uhura, "The Savage Curtain," stardate 5906.4.
*
Now, I don't pretend to tell you how to find happiness and love, when
every day is a struggle to survive.  But I do insist that you do survive,
because the days and the years ahead are worth living for!
-- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
*
One day soon, man is going to be able to harness incredible energy --
maybe even the atom.  Energy that could ultimately hurl men to other
worlds in some sort of spaceship.  And the men that reach out into space
will find ways to feed the hungry millions of the world, and to cure their
diseases.  They'll be able to find a way to give each man hope and a
common future.  And those are the days worth living for.
-- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
*
A person's strongest dreams are about what he can't do.
-- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage), stardate unknown.
*
What is man but that lofty spirit -- that sense of enterprise.
-- Kirk, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
No wants -- no needs?  We weren't meant for that.  None of us.  Man
stagnates if he has no ambition, no desire to be more than he is.
-- Kirk, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.5.
*
Most people are afraid of being alone.
-- Kirk, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
You know the greatest danger facing us is ourselves, and
irrational fear of the unknown.  There is no such thing as the
unknown.  Only things temporarily hidden, temporarily not understood.
-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver," stardate 1514.0.
*
No one knows how he'll act under pressure.
-- Sulu, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield," stardate 5730.2.
*
It is the nature of our species to be free.
-- Kirk, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3219.8.
*
When the personality of a human is involved, exact predictions are
hazardous.
-- McCoy, "The Lights of Zetar," stardate 5725.6.
*
Most of us are attracted by beauty and repelled by ugliness -- one of
the last of our prejudices.
-- Kirk, "Is There In Truth No Beauty?" stardate 5630.7.
*
We faced a crisis in our earlier nuclear age.  We found the wisdom not
to destroy ourselves.
-- Kirk, "return to Tomorrow," stardate 4768.3.
*
We all have our darker side.  We need it; it's half of what
we are.  It's not really ugly, it's human.
-- McCoy, "The Enemy Within," stardate 1673.5.
*
We humans have a streak of barbarism in us -- appalling, but
there nevertheless.
-- Kirk, "Space Seed," stardate 3141.9.
*
Believe me, there's nothing tougher to overcome [than a sense of
purpose], even among humans.
-- McCoy, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
In this galaxy, there's a mathematical probability of three million
Earth-type planets.  And in all of the universe, three million, million
galaxies like this.  But in all of that, and perhaps more, only one
of each of us.
-- McCoy, "Balance of Terror," stardate 1709.9.
*
Maybe we weren't meant for Paradise.  Maybe we were meant to fight our
way through.  Struggle.  Claw our way up, scratch for every inch of the
way.  Maybe we can't stroll to the music of the lutes.  We must march
to the sound of drums.
-- Kirk, "This Side of Paradise," stardate 3417.7.
*
We are not killers.
-- Chekov, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield," stardate 5730.6.
*
To us, killing is murder, even for revenge.
-- Kirk, "Plato's Stepchildren," stardate 5784.3.
*
When a man feels guilty about something -- something too terrible to
remember -- he blots it out of his conscious memory.
-- McCoy, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3614.9.
*
We've come a long way in five thousand years.
But you're still of the same nature.
-- Kirk and Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
We're a most promising species, Mr. Spock, as predators go.  Did you
know that?
I frequently have my doubts.
I don't.  Not any more.  And maybe in a thousand years or so, we'll be
able to prove it.
-- Kirk and Spock, "Arena," stardate 3046.2.
*
Mankind has no need for gods.  We find the One quite adequate.
-- Kirk, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
We think of ourselves as the most powerful beings in the universe.
It's unsettling to discover that we're wrong.
-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3210.7.
*
We all are vulnerable, in one way or another.
-- Kirk, "Is There In Truth No Beauty?" stardate 5630.7.
*
We prefer to help ourselves.  We make mistakes, but we're human --
and maybe that's the word that best explains us.
-- Kirk, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
"Let me help."  A hundred years or so from now, I believe, a famous
novelist will write a classic using that theme.  He'll recommend those
three words even over "I love you."
-- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
*
Mankind -- ready to kill.
That's the way it was in 1881.
I wonder how humanity managed to survive?
We overcame our instinct for violence.
-- Spock and Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun," stardate 4385.3.
*
Man is not just a biological unit that you can patch together.
-- McCoy, "The Changeling," stardate 3541.9.
*
I speak of rights!  A machine has none; a man must.  If you do not
grant him that right, you have brought us down to the level of the
machine; indeed, you have elevated that machine above us!
-- Samuel T. Cogley, "Court Martial," stardate 2949.9.
*
Your will to survive, your love of life, your passion to know ...
Everything that is truest and best in all species of beings has been
revealed to you.  Those are the qualities that make a civilization
worthy to survive.
-- Lai the Vian, "The Empath," stardate 5121.5.
*
Those pressures are everywhere -- in everyone, urging him to what you
call "savagery."  The private hells -- the inner needs and mysteries --
the beast instinct.  As human beings, that is the way it is.  To be
human is to be complex.  You can't avoid a little ugliness -- from
within -- and from without.
-- Kirk, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
*
They used to say, if man could fly, he'd have wings.  But he did fly;
he discovered he had to.  Do you wish that the first Apollo mission
hadn't reached the moon, or that we hadn't gone on to Mars and
then to the nearest star?  That's like saying you wish that you still
operated with scalpels and sewed your patients up with catgut, like your
great, great, great-grandfather used to do ... Dr. McCoy is right in
pointing out the enormous danger potential in any contact with life
and intelligence as fantastically advanced as this.  But I must point out
that the possibilities -- the potential for knowledge and advancement is
equally great.  Risk -- risk is our business.
-- Kirk, "Return to Tomorrow," stardate 4768.3.
*
Improve a mechanical device and you may double productivity.  But
improve man, you gain a thousandfold.
-- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed," stardate 3142.8.
*
The time is past.  There is no room for gods.
-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
The [human] species is capable of much affection.
-- Deela the Scalosian, "Wink of an Eye," stardate 5710.5.
*
That's [growing old] been happening to men and women for a long time.
I've got the feeling it's one of the pleasanter things about being
human, as long as you grow old together.
-- Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3220.3.
*
You have here an unusual opportunity to appraise the human mind, or to
examine, in Earth terms, the roles of good and evil in a man.  His
negative side, which you call hostility, lust, violence; and his
positive side, which Earth people express as compassion, love,
tenderness.  And what is it that makes one man an exceptional leader?
We see here indications that it is his negative side which makes him
strong -- that his evil side, if you will, properly controlled and
disciplined, is vital to his strength.  Your negative side, removed
from you, the power of command begins to elude you.
-- Spock, "The Enemy Within," stardate 1673.1.
*
Captain, I'm beginning to understand why you Earthmen enjoy gambling.
No matter how carefully one computes the odds of success, there is
still a certain exhilaration in the risk.
-- Spock, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
*
In critical moments men sometimes see exactly what they wish to see.
-- Spock, "The Tholian Web," stardate 5693.2.
*
Humans do have an amazing capacity for believing what they choose --
and excluding that which is painful.
-- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead," stardate 5029.5.
*
It does often seem that man must fight to live.
-- Flavius Maximus, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4040.9.
*
... aloneness.  You are so alone.  You live out your lives in the
shell of flesh, self-contained, separate.  How lonely you are; how
terribly lonely.
-- Kollos, the Medusan Ambassador (through Spock), "Is There In
Truth No Beauty?" stardate 5630.7.
*
Humans smile with so little provocation.
-- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.3.
*
Curios, how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want.
-- Spock, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3198.4.
*
... primitive structure [Scotty].  Insufficient safeguards built in.
Breakdown can occur from many causes.  Self-maintenance systems low
reliability.
-- Nomad, "The Changeling," stardate 3541.9.
*
Where did your race get this ridiculous predilection for resistance. You
examine any object; you question everything.
-- Korob from Pyris VII, "Catspaw," stardate 3018.2.
*
This thing you call language, though; most remarkable.  You depend
on it for so very much.  But is there any one of you really its master?
-- Kollos, the Medusan Ambassador (through Spock), "Is There In
Truth No Beauty?" stardate 5630.7.
*
You [humans] are, after all, essentially irrational.
-- Spock, "Metamorphosis," stardate 3220.3.
*
Oh, how absolutely typical of your species!  You don't understand
something so you become fearful.
-- Trelane, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2124.5.
*
These shells in which we have encased ourselves -- they have such
heightened senses.  To feel, to hear, to smell.  How do humans manage to
exist in these fragile cases?
-- Rojan the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
*
There are many aspects of human irrationality I do not yet comprehend.
Obsession, for one.  The persistent single-minded fixation on one idea.
-- Spock, "Obsession," stardate 3619.6.
*
Do you know that you're one of the few predator species that preys
even on itself?
-- Trelane, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2124.5.
*
Earthment like Rameses, Alexander, Ceasar, Napoleon, Hitler, Lee Kuan.
Your whole Earth history is made up of men seeking absolute power.
-- Spock, "Patterns of Force," stardate 2534.7.
*
Man is ultimately superior to any mechanical device.
-- Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver," stardate 1514.0.
*
We cannot allow any race as greedy and corruptible as yours to have
free run of the galaxy.
-- Norman the android, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
Your species is self-destructive.
-- Norman the android, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
[The people of Vaal] have taken their first step [towards achieving
true human stature].  They've learned to kill.
-- Spock, "The Apple," stardate 3715.6.
*
Earthmen fear to bargain honestly.
-- Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
*
You like to think of yourselves as complex creatures, but you're flawed.
One gains admittance to your minds through many levels.  You have too
many to keep track of yourselves.  There are unguarded entrances to
any human mind.
-- Sylvia of Pyris VII, "Catspaw," stardate 3018.2.
*
Sparing your helpless enemy who surely would have destroyed you, you
demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy, something we hardly expected.
We feel that there may be hope for your kind.  Therefore you will
not be destroyed.  It would not be civilized.
-- The Metron, "Arena," stardate 3046.2.
*
...hesitation ... is an hereditary trait of your species, and
suddenly faced by the unknown, or imminent danger, a human will
invariably experience a split second of indecision.  He hesitates.
-- Spock, "Obsession," stardate 3620.7.
*
You [humans] find it easier to understand the death of one than the
death of a million.
-- Spock, "The Immunity Syndrome," stardate 4307.1.
*
You striving, bickering, foolishly brave humans.
-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
Unhappiness is the state which occurs in the human when wants and
desires are not fulfilled.
-- Spock, "I, Mudd," stardate 4513.3.
*
Humans are very peculiar.  I often find them unfathomable, but an
interesting psychological study.
-- Spock, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4658.9.
*
You are still half-savage -- but there is hope.
-- The Metron, "Arena," stardate 3046.2.
*
A lie is a very poor way to say hello.
-- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever," stardate unknown.
*
Hours can be centuries
-- Vanna the Troglyte, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5819.0.
*
Be pleasant no matter how much it hurts.
-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius," stardate 4372.5.
*
Parents like stupid things.
-- Don of the Starnes Expedition, "And The Children Shall Lead,"
stardate 5029.5.
*
I think children have an instinctive need for adults; they want to
be told right and wrong.
-- Kirk, "Miri," stardate 2713.6.
*
A room should reflect its occupant.
-- Kirk, "Wink of an Eye," stardate 5710.5.
*
A library serves no purpose unless someone is using it.
-- Mr. Atoz of Sarpeidon, "All Our Yesterdays," stardate 5943.7.
*
Sailor's luck, Mr. Spock.  Or as one of Finable's Laws puts it: "Any
home port the ship makes will be somebody else's, not mine!"
-- Kirk, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
In the long history of medicine, no doctor has ever caught the first
few minutes of a play.
-- McCoy, "The Conscience of the King," stardate 2919.8.
*
We're immortal, we gods.  The Earth changed.  Your fathers changed.
They turned away, until we were only memories.  A god cannot survive
as a memory.  We need love, admiration, worship, as you need food.
-- Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1.
*
Nobody helps nobody but himself!
-- Bela Oxmyx, "A Piece of the Action," stardate unknown.
*
Make the most of an uncertain future.  Enjoy yourself today.  Tomorrow
may never come at all.
-- Trelane, "The Squire of Gothos," stardate 2125.7.
*
It isn't a bad life to have everyone in the universe at your beck and
call, and you win all the arguments.
-- Kirk, "The Man Trap," stardate 1513.8.
*
I don't trust men who smile too much.
-- Commander Kor the Klingon, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
The cat is the most ruthless, most terrifying of animals.  As far back
as the sabertooth tiger.
-- Spock, "Catspaw," stardate 3018.2.
*
Sometimes pain can drive a man harder than pleasure.
-- Kirk, "the Alternative Factor," stardate 3088.7.
*
The most cooperative man in this world is a dead man.
-- Bela Oxmyx, "A Piece of the Action," stardate unknown.
*
The trigger has been pulled.  We've got to get there before the
hammer falls.
-- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3198.4.
*
Hot as Vulcan.
-- McCoy, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
May the Great Bird of the galaxy bless your planet.
-- Sulu, "The Man Trap," stardate 1513.4.
*
We shield it [the Vulcan mating rite] with ritual and custom shrouded
in antiquity.  You humans have no conception.  It strips our minds from
us.  It brings a madness which rips away the veneer of civilization.
It is the "pon farr" -- the time of mating.
-- Spock, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
We have always fought.  We must; we are hunters ... tracking and taking
what we need.  There are poor planets in the Klingon systems ... we
must push outward if we are to survive.
-- Mara, the wife of the Klingon Commander, "Day of the Dove,"
stardate unknown.
*
I suppose most of us overlook that fact that even Vulcans aren't
indestructible.
-- Kirk, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
I have heard of the Vulcan integrity and personal honor.  There is a
well-known saying, or is it a myth, that Vulcans are incapable of lying.
-- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.3.
*
Too much love is dangerous
Cupid's arrow kills Vulcans
-- Dionyd and Eraclitus, the Platonians, "Plato's Stepchildren,"
stardate 5784.3.
*
As a Vulcan you will study it [Romulan society].  As a human, you
would find ways to appreciate it.
-- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.3.
*
Hope -- I always thought that was a human failing, Mr. Spock?
True, Doctor.  Constant exposure does result in a certain degree
of contamination.
-- McCoy and Spock, "The Gamesters of Triskelion," stardate 3211.7.
*
In the distant past Vulcans killed to win their mates.
And they still go mad at this time.  Perhaps the price they pay for
having no emotions the rest of the time.
-- Kirk and McCoy, "Amok Time," stardate 3372.7.
*
Their [the Klingon's] empire is made up of conquered worlds.  They take
what they want by arms and force.
-- Kirk, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
*
At least we'll be away from all this openness.  No, this is too strange
for us.  We are creatures of outer space.  Soon, we will be safe in
the comforting closeness of walls.
-- Rojan the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
*
Captain, we can control the Federation as easily as we can control you.
The fate of the inferior in any galaxy.
-- Rojan the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
*
Our people are warriors, often savage, but we are also many other
pleasant things.
-- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident," stardate 5027.3.
*
They're offering you a chance for combat.  They consider it
more pleasurable than love.
-- McCoy, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
*
We found them totally uninterested in medical aid or hospitals.  They
believe that only the strong should survive.
-- McCoy, "Friday's Child," stardate 3497.2.
*
This troubled planet [Ardana] is a place of most violent contrasts --
those who receive the rewards are totally separated from those who
shoulder the burdens.  It is not a wise leadership.
-- Spock, "The Cloud Minders," stardate 5818.4.
*
We believe men should fight their own battles.  Only the weak will die.
-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses," stardate 4041.2.
*
Tellarites do no argue for reasons; they simply argue.
-- Sarek of Vulcan, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
*
To us, violence is unthinkable.
-- Ayleborne of Organia, "Errand of Mercy," stardate 3201.7.
*
A truly advanced planet wouldn't use force.  They wouldn't come here
in strange alien forms.
-- Gary Seven, "Assignment Earth," stardate unknown.
*
Joy can be many things.
-- Dr. Miranda Jones, "Is There In Truth No Beauty?" stardate 5630.7.
*
What is it in you humans that requires an overwhelming display of
emotion in a situation such as this?  Two men pursue the only reasonable
course of action indicated, and yet you feel that something else is
necessary.
-- Spock, "That Which Survives," stardate unknown.
*
You thought I was taking your woman away from you.  You're jealous.
You tried to kill me with your bare hands.  Would a Kelvan do that?
Would he have to?  You're reacting with the emotions of a human.
You are human.
-- Kirk, "By Any Other Name," stardate 4657.5.
*
This is loneliness?  What a bitter thing ... it's so sad.  How do you
bear it, this loneliness?
-- Commissioner Nancy Hedford/The Companion, "Metamorphosis,"
stardate 3220.3.
*
What is loneliness?
It is a thirst ... it is a flower, dying in a desert ...
-- Reena Kapec and Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah," stardate 5843.7.
*
Do you know what it's like  alone, really alone? [They gave me] weapons,
shelter, food -- everything I needed to live -- except companionship ...
to send me here alone -- if that is not death, what is?
-- Zarabeth of Sarpeidon, "All Our Yesterdays," stardate 5943.9.
*
What is it like to feel pain?
It is like ... when you see that people have no hope of happiness ...
you feel great despair ... your heart is heavy because you know you
can do nothing ... pain is like that.
-- Hodin and Odona of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon," stardate 5423.4.
*
Jealousy has often been a motive for murder.
-- Kirk, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3614.9.
*
Offense is a human emotion.
-- Sarek of Vulcan, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.3.
*
... motivations of passion or gain -- those are reasons for murder.
-- Shras, the Andorian Ambassador, "Journey to Babel," stardate
3842.2.
*
Anger is a relative state.
-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
*
Worry is a human emotion.
-- Spock, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.4.
*
Deriving sustenance from emotion is not unknown in the galaxy.  And fear
is among the strongest and most violent of the emotions.
-- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold," stardate 3615.4.
*
Desperation is a highly emotional state of mind.
-- Kirk, "The Galileo Seven," stardate 2822.3.
*
There's a certain inefficiency in constantly questioning me on things
you've already made up your mind about.
-- Spock, "The Corbomite Maneuver," stardate 1514.0.
*
Monsters come in many forms.  And do you know the greatest monster
of them all?  Guilt.
-- McCoy, "Obsession," stardate 3620.7.
*
We humans are full of unpredictable emotions that logic cannot solve.
-- Kirk, "What Are Little Girls Made Of?" stardate 2712.4.
*
Threats are illogical.
-- Sarek of Vulcan, "Journey to Babel," stardate 3842.3.
*
You are not Morg.  You are not Eymorg.
-- Kara the Eymorg, "Spock's Brain," stardate 5432.3.
*
Brain. Brain. What is brain?
-- Kara the Eymorg, "Spock's Brain," stardate 5432.3.
*
She could have had as fulfilling a life as any woman.  If only... if only.
-- Kirk, "Turnabout Intruder," stardate 5923.5.
*
Forget.
-- Spock, "Requiem for Methusalah," stardate 5843.7.
*
Against boredom, even the gods themselves struggle in vain.
*
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
*
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
demo.
*
Anything not nailed down is mine.  Anything I can pry loose is not nailed
down.
*
Ask a silly person, get a silly answer
*
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
*
Beware of Quantum ducks (Quark!Quark!Quark!)
*
Blessed are the inept for they will inherit the skies.
*
Blood is thicker than water--and much tastier
*
Born again virgin
*
Brute force, clumsiness, ignorance, and superstition will always
triumph over science, skill, knowledge, and logic.
*
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
*
Computers were invented by Murphy.
*
Conform, go crazy, or become an artist
*
A desk is a wastebasket with drawers
*
Don't ask me-I just work here
*
Don't ask me--I'm making this up as I go along
*
Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep until noon
*
Do unto others before they do unto you
*
Due to a lack of trained trumpeteers, the end of the world has been
postponed indefinately.
*
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
*
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
*
Exceptions rule.
*
A fool and his guilt are soon parted.
*
God is real unless declared integer.
*
Grab them by the balls--the hearts and minds will follow.
*
Graduate of the Han Solo school of asteroid belt navigation.
*
Hell hath no fury like an unjustified assumption.
*
He who turns and runs away gets shot in the back.
*
I am not an alcoholic, I simply enjoy living in a liquid medium.
*
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving again.
*
Ideas "off the top of the head" are like dandruff--small and flaky
*
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
*
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person
I preach to.
*
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than have a pre-frontal
labotomy.
*
I have not lost my mind--it's backed up on disk somewhere
*
I may be a craven little coward, but i'm a GREEDY craven little coward.
*
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
*
I think, therefore I am, I think?!
*
If a man writes a better book, preaches a better sermon, or beds a
better whore than his neighbor, though he builds his domicile deep in
the woods, the world will beat a path to his door to find out who the
better whore was.
*
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs,
the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
*
If God thought that nudity was O.K., we would have been born naked.
*
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
the page number.
*
If the first person who answers the phone cannot answer your question,
then its a bureaucracy.
*
If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.
*
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
*
I'm a hacker--I don't know the meaning of sleep.
*
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished.
*
Immoral Majority Charter Member.
*
Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
*
In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot of people
angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
*
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
*
It's not a dungeon--it's a fortified underground defense installation.
*
It's what you can't see that can kill you.
*
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
*
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
*
The less you bother me, the sooner you'll get results.
*
Let's split up.  We can do more damage that way.
*
Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is out of town.
*
Machines should work.  People should think.
*
A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
*
Moderation is for monks.
*
The moral majority is neither.
*
Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.
*
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
*
Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
*
Never let your studies interfere with your education.
*
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
*
No good deed goes unpunished.
*
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
*
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
*
Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible.
*
Old mercenaries never die.  They just go to hell and regroup.
*
People in groups tend to agree on courses of action which as individuals,
they know are stupid.
*
Possessor of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained.
*
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on the earth.
*
Reality is a hypothesis.
*
Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull over to the side
of the road.
*
Sin now -- Pray Later!
*
Smile--It makes people wonder what you're thinking.
*
A Smith & Wesson beats a Jones and Krisko.
*
There are very few personal problems which can't be solved by a
suitable application of high explosives.
*
There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head.
*
There is always free cheese in a mousetrap.
*
There is no point in worrying about apathy when you can't care less.
*
Too many decisions are measured with a micrometer, marked with chalk,
and cut with an axe.
*
Two's company, three's the result.
*
Under the most carefully controlled conditions of temperature,density,
and pressure, the organism wil do what it damn well pleases.
*
Unicorns aren't mythical--virgins are!!
*
Virginity can be cured.
*
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
*
The way to a man's heart is with a broadsword.
*
What this world needs is a damn good plague.
*
When all else fails, read the instructions!
*
When the going gets wierd, the weird turn pro.
*
Who is more foolish, the fool, or he who follows the fool?
*
Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.
*
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to swim on his back,
you've got something.
*
You know better than to trust a strange computer.
*
She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
And all night long it was honor and offer.
*
Scientists say the only things which will survive a nuclear war are rats
and cockroaches.  Therefore, if a war starts...
GET YOUR ASS UNDER THE FRIDGE!
*
IBM Manual:          The following is a hertofore undocumented feature.
English Translation: It's a bug, it's our fault, and there isn't a damn
thing you can do about it.
*
Death to the fascist insects who suck the blood of the people!
*
When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
*
No experiment is ever a complete failure, in as much as a well-written
account of it can serve admirably as a bad example.
*
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they
will like.
*
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
*
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was
human nature.
*
The plural of spouse is spice.
*
The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
*
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known
as wheels.
*
Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
*
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will
take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
*
I am a computer.  As such I never have or will make a mistake
or error (I thought i did once, but I was wrong).
*
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
*
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law;
and every time they make a law it's a joke.
*
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
*
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
*
There is hardly a thing in the world that someone cannot make a little
worse and sell a little cheaper.
*
How often it is that the angry woman rages denial
of what her inner self is telling her.
*
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.
I hope I don't get run over again.
*
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
*
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands,
and goes to work.
*
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
*
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
*
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine,
or the person who operates it.
*
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is
done by children.
*
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
*
Somebody ought to cross ballpoint pens with coat hangers,
so that the pens will multiply instead of disappearing.
*
A person forgives only when she is in the wrong.
*
If a loafer is not a nuisance to you, it is a sign that you are
somewhat of a loafer yourself.
*
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
*
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
*
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist,
and too rich to be a communist.
*
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
*
Death:  to stop sinning suddenly.
*
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
*
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in
favor of the plain people is the stork.
*
Liar:  One who tells an unpleasant truth.
*
Lisp:  To call a spade a thpade.
*
Modesty:  the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to
be aware of it.
*
Nothing succeeds like -- failure.
*
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to
be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
*
A diplomat is a woman who always remembers a man's birthday but never
remembers his age.
*
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and
can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
*
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to
take you in.
*
It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything on earth to
worry about, she goes off and gets married.
*
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
*
Women were born to lie, and men to believe them.
*
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
*
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
*
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last..
*
Every man is wrong until he cries, and then he is right, instantly.
*
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
*
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
*
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
*
Fidelity:  A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
*
Forgetfulness:  A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation
for their destitution of conscience.
*
Lighthouse:  A tall building on the seashore in which the government
maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
*
Philosopy:  unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
*
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to
know how to lie well.
*
She is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in
most words.
*
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
*
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for
one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
*
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
*
Acquaintance:  A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,
but not well enough to lend to.
*
'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
*
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
people to approach printed matter with distrust.
*
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible
worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
*
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change
him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
*
Older sister:  "Why are you wearing my new raincoat?"
Younger sister: "I didn't want to get your new dress wet."
*
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations
that can't bear inspection.
*
To laugh at persons of sense is the privilege of fools.
*
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
*
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
*
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
*
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
*
Those who talk don't know.  Those who don't talk, know.
*
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
*
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
*
The universe is laughing behind your back.
*
You can call him an outdoor boy if he has the bloom of youth on his
cheeks and the cheeks of youth in his bloomers.
*
Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
telegram was sent from a wife to her husband: "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER
COME HOME AT ONCE."
*
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells awful.
*
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
*
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
*
To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to
criticize the competent.
*
Women seldom show dimples to boys who have pimples.
*
The Hebrew school teacher asked one of his students if she said prayers
before before meals.  The proud little girl answered, "Oh, not me.
I don't have to - my dad's a good cook."
*
The best prophet of the future is the past.
*
We took some pictures of the native boys, but they weren't developed.
*
Corrupt, adj.
In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
*
Maybe I was holding all the aces, but what was the game?
*
Forenoon, n. The latter part of the night.  Vulgar.
*
To never see a fool, you lock yourself in an empty room and
break all the mirrors.
*
EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY.
*
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
called a liberal.
*
Person, n.  An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what she
thinks she is as to overlook what she indubitably ought to be.  Her
chief occupation is extermination of other animals and her own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
*
Occident, n.  The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
principal industries of the Orient.
*
Politics, n. pl.
A means of livelihood affected by the more degraded portion of our
criminal classes.
*
Possession, n. The whole of the law.
*
Preposterous, adj.  The idea that murder is a crime.
*
Scriptures, n.  The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished
from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
*
Your life has been cancelled. Please report to the nearest soul
reclamation center for recycling.
*
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
*
I hope someday a Pope chooses the name Shorty.
*
Disco - A large group of people sweating in nice clothes.
*
A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
*
One nice thing about being dead is that you become eligible
to appear on stamps and currency.
*
If you subtract your pulse rate from your I.Q., you get your
"blood-intelligence level."  This is the rate at which you decide
not to do something which might make you bleed.
*
If you subtract you sneaker size from the caliber of a bullet fired
at you, you will get the number of centimeters you can run before
being hit.
*
She was an earthly woman, so I treated her like dirt.
*
Lie: The program is bug free.
*
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
*
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
*
He who hesitates is last.
*
Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
*
A man's house is his hassle.
*
Chaste makes waste.
*
An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
*
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
*
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
*
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
*
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
*
Friction is a drag.
*
Biology grows on you.
*
Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault.
*
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
*
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
*
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
*
Battle Creek makes cereal terminals.
*
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
*
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
*
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
*
Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
*
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
*
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
*
Gravity brings me down.
*
When you're up to your hips in alligators,
You forget the original project was to drain the swamp.
*
While money can't buy happiness,
it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
*
The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up!
*
Do married women make the best wives?
*
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
*
Drilling for oil is boring.
*
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
*
Teachers have class.
*
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
*
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
*
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
*
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
*
Programming Department:  Mistakes made while you wait.
*
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.
*
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
*
Money is the root of all wealth.
*
Men have many faults,
Women only two:
Everything they say,
And everything they do!
*
I'm all for computer dating, But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
*
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
*
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -
the rest is overhead for the operating system.
*
The bearing of a child takes nine months,
no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
*
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
*
If you see an onion ring
-answer it!
*
In case of fire,
yell "FIRE!"
*
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
*
Every time I lose weight,
It finds me again!
*
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
*
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes.
*
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
*
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
*
Microwaves frizz your heir.
*
Neil Armstrong tripped.
*
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
*
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
*
Heard on Noahs' ark:  Sailing is fun,
but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
*
Polymer physicists are into chains.
*
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
*
There's no future in time travel.
*
Confucious say too damn much!
*
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
*
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
*
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
*
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
*
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
*
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal,
if you don't use your thumbs.
*
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
*
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
*
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
*
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
*
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
*
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages
will be known, far and wide, as a smart-ass.
*
He who hesitates is constipated.
*
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
*
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
*
Astronauts are out to launch.
*
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
*
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that
money doesn't buy happiness.
*
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
*
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
*
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
*
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
*
What`s the most popular form of birth control?
The headache.
*
May you live in interesting times.
*
This place is so weird that the cockroaches
have moved next door.
*
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which
side of the bread to butter.
*
You can`t win.  You can`t break even.  You can`t even quit the game.
*
Kitman`s Law:  Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel.
*
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
*
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan
them is to use a larger can.
*
When all else fails, read the instructions.
*
On a slow day, you can wait forever.
*
Nothing can be both completely general
and internally consistent at the same time.
*
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
*
If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.
*
There ain`t no such thing as a free lunch.
*
Always draw your curves then plot the readings.
*
Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.
*
Two wrongs do not make a right:
it usually takes three or more.
*
A lie in time saves nine.
*
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
*
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
*
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
you can always take something for it.
*
Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you
but not in the one ahead of you.
*
It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly
concerned about.
*
Why can't lifes's big problems come when
we are twenty and know everything ?
*
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that
that is the impression you will make.
*
When you save for a long time to buy something,
then you find that you can't afford it - that's inflation.
*
Kleptomaniac:  A rich thief.
*
Labour: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
*
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
*
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
*
Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
*
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
*
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they
are in the market.
*
November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
*
Pig:  An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in
scope, for it balks at pig.
*
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
*
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
*
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
*
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
*
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
*
A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
*
There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
attracted to dark objects.
*
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
*
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
*
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
*
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
*
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
*
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
how many?
*
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
*
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
*
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
*
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
And women were too cautious;
*
Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
And men were really obnoxious...
*
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
*
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
*
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
*
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
*
HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
*
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
*
Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth,
pulls coins out of one's pockets.
*
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
*
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
develop.
*
Every solution breeds new problems.
*
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are
so ingenious.
*
If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
*
Anytime things appear to be going better,
you have overlooked something.
*
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand,
somebody will.
*
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
*
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
*
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
*
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
*
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
*
If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
*
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
*
If the facts do not conform to the theory,
they must be disposed of.
*
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
out.
*
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
*
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
organization.
*
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves.
*
If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
*
People are always available for work in the past tense.
*
Them that has, gets.
*
Those who can -- do.  Those who can't -- teach.
*
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
*
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
*
You always find something in the last place you look.
*
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
*
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand.
*
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
*
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
*
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
*
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
*
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
*
There are two types of people:  those who divide people into
two types, and those who don't.
*
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
*
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
rats.
*
Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
*
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
population is growing.
*
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
another drink.
*
Don't get mad -- get even.
*
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
*
A .44 magnum beats four aces.
*
Your availability is your greatest asset.
*
You have taken yourself too seriously.
*
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
legislature is in session.
*
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
*
ROMEO:    Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
*
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
*
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read.
*
fIf you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you.  This is the principal difference between a dog
and a man.
*
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
*
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
*
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
because we are not the person involved"
*
"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
*
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
*
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
*
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
*
The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
cork makes when it is popped.
*
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
can never hope to acquire it.
*
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
*
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
*
The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher,
Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
*
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
*
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
*
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
lists of "Ten Best".
*
We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
we will cry over things we used to laugh &
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
in the end a summer with wild winds &
new friends will be.
*
This is for all ill-treated fellows
Unborn and unbegot,
For them to read when they're in trouble
And I am not.
*
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
the contrary, nohow.
*
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can.
Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
*
"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)"
*
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
*
Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
*
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
*
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
do it every time.
*
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
*
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
*
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.
*
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
the only ashtray."
*
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.
*
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
*
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
*
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
*
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly
thrust into somebody's pocket.
*
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
*
Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
by leaving it out.
*
Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
*
Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
*
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
we could with both of them."
*
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
*
Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now...try to get something DONE!
*
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
*
Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.
*
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday...
*
Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
Jackasses.
*
Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.
*
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
will be right.
*
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven't what they want that they don't want it.
*
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
*
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
get your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
face.
*
Recieving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
*
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
*
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
but it's very funny--
Did you ever try buying them without money?
*
Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
a tempest of words.
*
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
*
"Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
*
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five time eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
*
Clothes maketh the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
*
We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
*
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
*
"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
keys..."
*
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
*
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
*
FIGHTING WORDS
Say my love is easy had,
Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
Still behold me at your side.
*
Say I'm neither brave nor young,
Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue --
Still you have my heart to wear.
*
But say my verses do not scan,
And I get me another man!
*
COMMENT
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
*
INVENTORY
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
*
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
*
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
*
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
*
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
*
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."
*
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
*
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
*
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
*
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
*
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
*
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
*
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
opinion.
*
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
*
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
*
Adore: To venerate expectantly.
*
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
separately plunder a third.
*
Alone: In bad company.
*
Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
*
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
*
Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
slippery.
*
Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
*
Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save;
And men -- they honored so the dame -- Upon some stars bestowed her name.
But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven.
*
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
*
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
*
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
*
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
from the cares of office.
*
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
a man's head.
*
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
*
Critic: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
to please him.
*
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
*
Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side
it is buttered on.
*
Distress: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
*
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
*
Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
*
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
*
Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
stockings and desolating the country.
*
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
*
Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
*
Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
expound your own.
*
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
*
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy...
*
Please ignore previous fortune.
*
Impartial: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
conflicting opinions.
*
Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
*
Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
*
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
*
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
*
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
*
gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and
also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
mutually perpindicular axes results from application of torque to the
other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
*
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
*
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
*
United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the
Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
all the military forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of
all the patriots of every persuasion.
*
Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
world.
*
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
*
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
*
Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
*
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
*
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
*
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
The cool Brutus gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs,
for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats,
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.
*
Did you know...
That no-one ever reads these things?
*
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens
*
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
*
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
*
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
*
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!
*
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
problem.
*
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
*
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
*
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
*
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
*
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
*
Those who can't write, write manuals.
*
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
*
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
*
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
eyes..."
*
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
*
SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
*
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
*
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
*
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
*
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
*
Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
*
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
*
Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for
traffic tickets.
*
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
*
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
*
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
*
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
*
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
*
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
*
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
*
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
*
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
*
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
*
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
*
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
*
Don't feed the bats tonight.
*
Stay away from flying saucers today.
*
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
*
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
*
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
*
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
*
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
*
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
*
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
*
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
*
Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
*
Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
*
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
*
You can create your own opportunities this week.
Blackmail a senior executive.
*
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
*
Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer
crashes.
*
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
*
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
tomorrow!
*
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
*
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough
to worry.
*
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
*
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
*
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
*
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
*
Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass.  Who do you trust?
*
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
*
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
*
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
*
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
talked about.
*
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
*
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
*
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
*
Wasting time is an important part of living.
*
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.
*
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
life.
*
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
*
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
*
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
*
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
*
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
*
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
*
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
*
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
*
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
*
Avoid reality at all costs.
*
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
*
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
*
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
*
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
*
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
*
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
*
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
*
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
*
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
*
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
*
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
*
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
*
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
*
Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
*
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
*
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
*
Condense soup, not books!
*
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
*
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersy.
*
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
*
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
*
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
*
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
*
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
*
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
*
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
*
Hire the morally handicapped.
*
I can resist anything but temptation.
*
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
*
Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
*
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
*
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
*
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
*
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
*
"All flesh is grass"
-- Isiah
Smoke a friend today.
*
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
*
George Orwell was an optimist.
*
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
*
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
*
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
*
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
*
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
*
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
hands.
*
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
*
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
*
A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
*
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
*
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
*
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
*
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
*
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
*
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
*
Down with categorical imperative!
*
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
*
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
*
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
*
Lysistrata had a good idea.
*
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
*
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
*
Familiarity breeds attempt
*
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
*
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
*
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
*
God is a polythiest
*
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
*
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
*
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
"Diet."
*
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
*
"Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
*
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
to work.
*
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters' picnic.
*
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
*
Happiness is egg-shaped.
*
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
*
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
*
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
*
God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
*
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
*
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
*
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
*
Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.
*
Accuracy: The vice of being right
*
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing."
*
Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
*
Adult: One old enough to know better.
*
Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
*
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
the morning.
*
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
*
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
*
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
*
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
*
Ass: The masculine of "lass".
*
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.
*
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
*
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
out of a divorce.
*
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
*
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
*
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
*
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
*
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
*
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
*
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between.
*
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
*
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
elsewhere."
*
Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.
*
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.
*
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
*
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his
breath is called the listener.
*
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont."
*
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
eat.
*
Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
*
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
*
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
*
Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
*
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
*
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
fur coat.
*
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
*
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
*
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
*
"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
hour!"
*
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
*
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
*
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
*
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
*
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented
The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
*
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
*
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
*
Hindsight is an exact science.
*
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
*
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
*
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
*
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.
*
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
it wasn't worth doing.
*
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
what is going on.  This person must be fired.
*
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
*
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
*
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
doing.
*
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
*
Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
*
If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
once.
*
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
points.
*
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
reject the proposal.
*
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
*
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
*
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
*
All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it won't.
*
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
electrical cord.
*
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
*
Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
*
The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.
*
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
*
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
*
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
*
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
*
Justice: A decision in your favor.
*
Kin: An affliction of the blood
*
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
*
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labour-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
*
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
*
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
*
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
*
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
*
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
*
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
*
Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
*
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
*
BLISS is ignorance
*
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together...
*
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
*
Love is sentimental measles.
*
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
*
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away.
*
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
headed.
*
"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
sane."
*
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce"
*
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
*
"Don't worry, I can handle it."
*
"You and what army?"
*
"If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop."
*
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, in kernel as it is in user!
*
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates and
people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence and
you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to small
animals.
*
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are not very
nice.
*
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination and
work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a Communist.
*
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because you
are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing
incest.
*
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.  They
think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.  That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare recipients are
Cancer people.
*
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are pushy.  Most
Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.
*
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
*
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.  If
you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for employment
and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are prostitutes.
All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
*
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.  Most Scorpio
people are murdered.
*
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends or both.  People laugh at you a great deal.
*
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do much of
anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
*
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
*
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
*
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.
*
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
*
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
*
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
*
The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said
to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his
decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
*
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng.
130 midterm.  Once again a student did not receive a single point on
his exam.  Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's
earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
*
Laetrile is the pits
*
Got Mole problems?
Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
*
There's no future in time travel
*
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
*
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
*
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
*
"Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
*
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
three friends.  If they're ok, you're it.
*
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.  Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.  Rather, if the
driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
dashboard.  "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
what's wrong."
*
Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from
FROBNITZ.  Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to
frob a frob".  See TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
sometimes connote points along a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless
manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning.  If someone is
turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it
he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because
turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
*
USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
*
Worst Month of the Year: February.  February has only 28 days in it,
which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three
full days you don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
*
Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout.  This is also the
worst vegetable of next year.
*
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.  Simply remove all the
little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will
now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black.
According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
*
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August.  The lines are the
shortest, though.
*
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
*
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
*
Computer programmers do it byte by byte
*
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
*
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
*
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
*
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
*
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
*
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
Californians trying to share the experience.
*
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle.
*
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
*
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
*
Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
their destitution of conscience.
*
Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction.
*
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
*
"In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian."
*
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
*
Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
*
Brain, v.: [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to
dispel a source of error in an opponent.
*
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
*
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
*
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
*
It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
*
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
*
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
*
There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
*
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
*
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
*
The difference between death & sex is that with death, you can do it on
your own and not get laughed at.
*
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
*
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
*
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
*
FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
*
"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
*
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
*
University: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
fix it, and ...
*
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."
*
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."
*
How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
*
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
*
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
miss.
*
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
*
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.
*
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
*
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
*
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
*
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
*
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
*
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
enough cheese
*
Whether you can hear it or not
The Universe is laughing behind your back
*
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
*
Chicken Soup:  An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of
aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken
soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
*
Gay shlafen:  Yiddish for "go to sleep".
*
"God gives burdens; also shoulders"
*
Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
at the end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish
saying; I can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth
though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
*
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
create goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy
retail."
*
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to
have nothing whatever to do with it.
*
Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
*
Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him.
*
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
*
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
*
Everyting should be built top-down, except the first time.
*
Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written
and another for which it wasn't.
*
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him.
*
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not
worth knowing.
*
Everyone can be taught to sculpt:  Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how NOT to.  So it is with the great programmers.
*
Re graphics:  A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to
describe the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
described with pictures.
*
There are two ways to write error-free programs.
Only the third one works.
*
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
variable."
*
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
*
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
revitalize the corner saloon.
*
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
*
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
versa.
*
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only we
can't control when the five year period will begin.
*
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant
to be discarded:  That the whole point is to always see it as a soap
bubble?
*
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God.
*
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
*
Dealing with failure is easy:  Work hard to improve.  Success is also easy
to handle:  You've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to improve.
*
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
*
Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
*
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
automation?
*
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
*
Be different: conform.
*
Save energy: be apathetic.
*
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
*
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
*
Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate.  It will depend upon how many flats they've
brought with them.
*
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.
*
"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
*
"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
lightly greased."
*
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
*
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
*
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
*
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
Support your right to bare arms!
*
They also surf who only stand on waves.
*
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
*
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
*
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of Fortran.
*
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
*
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
self-critical?
*
"Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any
bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.'  Once
punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing
bazingas, and such."
*
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
*
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
invent it.
*
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
*
The superfluous is very necessary.
*
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
*
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
*
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
*
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
*
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
*
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
*
The world's as ugly as sin,
And almost as delightful
*
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
*
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
them on the head.
*
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
*
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong.
*
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
*
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
*
My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
sending mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right
through my ALU.  I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
listens.  I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
log out again.
*
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
*
"Grub first, then ethics."
*
"I drink to make other people interesting."
*
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
*
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
*
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
*
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
*
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
*
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
least until we've finished building it.
*
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
*
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
*
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
*
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
*
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.
*
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
*
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
*
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
*
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
*
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going
down.
*
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
*
I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
*
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
*
Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
*
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
*
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
*
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
*
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
*
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
doubt.
*
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
*
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
*
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
*
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
*
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
*
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
*
SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
*
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
discotheques.
*
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
*
The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
world put together.
*
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
*
There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
*
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
*
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
*
"Earth is a great funhouse without the fun."
*
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
*
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
*
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
*
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
*
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
*
SEMINARS:  From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
*
POLITICIAN:  From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete'
("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
*
CALIFORNIA:  From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English
'calorie' or Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual
intercourse" or "fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land
of hot sex."
*
ETYMOLOGY:  Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations
that were hard for the public to believe.  The term 'etymology' was
formed from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), and
'logy' ("study of").  It meant  "the study of things that are hard to
swallow."
*
Armadillo: to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
*
Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
*
"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
*
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture"
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
*
Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
*
Virtue is its own punishment.
*
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
*
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
*
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
respect their good judgement.
*
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.
*
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.
*
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
*
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
*
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
*
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
it.
*
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
*
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
*
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
*
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
*
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
fence.
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever...and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
*
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
*
Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
away.
*
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
back.
*
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
paint.
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
*
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
*
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
*
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub,
it tolls for thee.
*
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
Show me a man who is a good loser and i'll show you a man who is
playing golf with his boss.
*
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
*
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
*
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
*
X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
*
People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
*
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
*
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
unless it is an enemy.
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
inexplicable."
There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...."
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
dimensional objects...
"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
*
"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
other is to read Pope."
"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
"If what?" asked the composer.
"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
*
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell
into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him
out again, it would be a calamity."
*
G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home:  "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
secretary, 'Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
'No,' he will say, 'Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.'
And that's your chance, my boy."
*
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
the smallest amount of thoughts."
"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an
excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
*
"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
*
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
hold the hammer with both hands.
*
Everything depends.
*
Nothing is always.
*
Everything is sometimes.
*
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
*
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
everyone you know, only more so.
*
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
you.
*
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
*
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the
question back at him.
*
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
*
Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
*
Never draw what you can copy.
*
Never copy what you can trace.
*
Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
*
Speak roughly to your little VAX,
and boot it when it crashes;
It knows that one cannot relax
Because the paging thrashes!
*
Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
*
I speak severely to my VAX,
and boot it when it crashes;
In spite of all my favorite hacks
My jobs it always thrashes!
*
"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
"One planet is all you get."
*
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
don't."
*
"If you have to hate, hate gently"
*
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
*
Air is water with holes in it
*
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
one who is doing it.
*
Never be first.
*
Never be last.
*
Never volunteer for anything
*
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
held to discuss it.
*
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
*
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
average drivers.
*
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
*
Always hire a rich attorney
Never buy from a rich salesman.
*
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
*
One more drink and I'll be under the host.
*
Pubs make you as drunk as they can as soon as they can, and turn nasty when
they succeed.
*
The trouble with the world is that everybody in it is three drinks behind.
*
I drink to make other people interesting.
*
A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
*
Maybe alcohol picks you up a little bit, but it sure lets you down in
a hurry.
*
My dad was the town drunk.  A lot of times that's not so bad -
but New York City?
*
I'm delighted.  The uglier we are the better we get.
*
Well, I suppose one regards it as an optional extra.
*
The President isn't going on vacation.  He's going on holiday.
*
What I want for the 1990's is to see demilitarization of Europe and the
survival of Salman Rushdie to a ripe old age.
*
May our nation continue to be a beaken (sic) of hope to the world...
*
Treat every woman as if you have slept with her and you soon will.
*
Treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore.
*
Make love to every woman you meet; if you get 5 per cent on your outlay,
it's a good investment.
*
"You are an A.I. tumble-bun."
*
Have the florist send some roses to Mrs Upjohn and write 'Emily I love you'
on the back of the bill.
*
To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait
to disprove it.
*
Never become involved with someone who can make you lose stature if the
relation becomes known...sleep UP.
*
Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to
put on a pedestal and worship.  As he grows up, of course, he will put her
on a pedestal the better to view her legs.
*
The girl in the omnibus has one of those faces of marvellous beauty which
are seen casually in the streets but never among one's friends.  Where do
these women come from?  Who marries them?  Who knows them?
*
Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins.  My sin, my soul.
*
The great and terrible step was taken.  What else could you expect from so
expectant?  'Sex,' said Frank Harris, 'is the gateway to life.'  So I went
through the gatewat in an upper room in the Cafe Royal.
*
If you are ever in doubt as to whether or not you should kiss a pretty girl,
always give her the benefit of the doubt.
*
Man are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.
*
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
*
Where do the noses go?  I always wondered where the noses would go?
*
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
*
Anonymous message between lovers: N.O.R.W.I.C.H.
translation: (K)Nickers Off Ready When I Come Home.
*
Two people kissing always look like fish.
*
Why don't you come up some time and see me?
*
I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start
without me.
*
Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?
*
The thing that takes the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble is Sex.
*
Sex is all right but it's not as good as the real thing.
*
Sex is the biggest nothing of all time.
*
I'd rather have a cup of tea than go to bed with someone - any day.
*
Sex is the last refuge of the miserable.
*
No sex is better than bad sex.
*
Sex is one damp thing after another.
*
Is sex dirty?  Only when it is being done right.
*
Sex is like money - very nice to have but vulgar to talk about.
*
After Sex:  Fun?  That was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
*
Never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
*
Sex is 90 per cent in the head.
*
The idea of using censors to bar thoughts of sex is dangerous.  A person
without sex thoughts is abnormal.
*
Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy
sometimes results in sex.
*
Morality in sexual relations, when it is free from superstition, consists
essentially of respect for the other person, and unwillingness to use the
person solely as means of personal gratification, without regard to his or
her desires.
*
Lovers don't snore.
*
Sex - the poor man's polo.
*
A little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has
income and she is pattable.
*
Sex in marriage is like medicine.  Three times a day for the first week.
Then once a day for another week.  Then once every three or four days until
the condition clears up.
*
I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day;
I never had time for tobacco since.
*
My dad told me, "Anything worth having is worth waiting for."
I waited until I was fifteen.
*
Would you, my dear young friends, like to be inside with the five wise
virgins or outside, alone and in the dark, with the five foolish ones?
*
I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
*
If I had no duties, and no reference to futurity, I would spend my life in
driving briskly in a post-chaise with a pretty woman.
*
When I was young, I used to have successes with women because I was young.
Now I have successes with women because I am old.  Middle age was the
hardest part.
*
He had heard that one is permitted a certain latitude with widows,
and went in for the whole 180 degrees.
*
I consider a day in which I make love only once virtually wasted.
*
I like naked ladies - one at a time, in private.
*
The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous,
and the expense damnable.
*
I am that twentieth-century failure: a happy, undersexed, celibate.
*
Lord give me chastity - but not yet.
*
Chastity is its own punishment.
*
Chastity is the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
*
Virginity is like a balloon - one prick and it's gone.
*
Celibacy is not an inherited characteristic.
*
Those who choose matrimony do well, and those who choose virginity or
voluntary abstinence do better.
*
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.
*
About the only thing you should be able to say about a Catholic priest
is that his father wasn't one.
*
Marriage may often be a stormy lake, but celibacy is almost a muddy
horse-pond.
*
It is better to marry than to burn.
*
A bachelor lives like a king and dies like a beggar.
*
Life is pleasant, but I have no yearning to clutter up the universe after
it is over.
*
When you've got over the disgrace of the single life, it's more airy.
*
Bachelors should be heavily taxed; it is not fair that some men should be
happier than others.
*
Bachelors know more about women than married men.  If they did not they
would have married too.
*
Honey, I'm single because I was born that way.  I never married, because I
would have had to give up my favourite hobby - men.
*
I'm not going to make the same mistake once.
*
By persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent
public temptation.
*
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and
a boy forever.
*
A bachelor gets tangled up with a lot of women in order to avoid getting
tied to one.
*
Why buy a book when you can borrow one from the library?
*
There are only two types of women - goddesses and doormats.
*
Prostitues for pleasure, concubines for service, wives for breeding.
('and a melon for ecstacy' is sometimes added...)
*
When a diplomat says yes, he means perhaps.
When he says perhaps he means no.
When he says no, he is not a diplomat.
*
When a lady says no, she means perhaps.
When she says perhaps, she means yes.
But when she says yes, she is no lady.
*
You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see
a smart woman with a dumb guy.
*
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain
that he's not the man she married?
*
As usual there's a great woman behind every idiot.
*
Women were born without a sense of humour - so they could love men and not
laugh at them.
*
When women kiss, it always reminds me of prize-fighters shaking hands.
*
Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, they're the kind of
problem I enjoy wrestling with.
*
The more I see of men the less I like them; if I could but say so of women
too, all would be well.
*
God created women because He couldn't teach sheep how to type.
*
No woman is worth the loss of a night's sleep.
*
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
*
I like the whiskey old and the women young.
*
A woman's place is in the wrong.
*
He that has a white horse, and a fair woman, is never without trouble.
*
Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
*
There is no greater fan of the opposite sex,
and I have the bills to prove it.
*
It's the fallen women who are usually picked up.
*
It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
*
How do girls get minks?  The same way minks get minks.
*
The happiest women, like the happiest nations, have no history.
*
What most men desire is a virgin who is a whore.
*
Older women are best because they always think they may be doing it for the
last time.
*
Man are beasts, and even beasts don't behave as they do.
*
All men are rapists and that's all they are.  They rape us with their eyes,
their laws and their codes.
*
All men are like Arabs.
*
The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.
*
Women like the simplet things in life - like men.
*
A woman without a man is like a garden without a fence.
*
We made civilization to impress our girl friends.
*
If god considered woman a helpmeet for men, He must have had a poor opinion
of men.
*
Love is man's delusion that one woman differs from another - still, man is
better off than woman; he marries later and dies sooner.
*
All men are different, but husbands are all alike.
*
There's simply no other way for a man to feel his manliness, his knigliness
if you will, than to be loved by a beautiful woman.
*
Men who do not make advances to women are apt to become victims to women who
make advances to them.
*
A hard man is good to find.
*
A man with an erection is in no need of advice.
*
It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
*
Men who aren't pet-lovers aren't any good in bed.
*
You know more about a man in one night than you do in months of
conversation.  In the sack, they can't cheat.
*
I like him and it in that order.
*
Amor Vincit Omnia (Love conquers all)
*
If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question.
*
Any time that is not spent on love is wasted.
*
When people say, "You're breaking my heart", they do in fact usually mean
that you're breaking their genitals.
*
Love is not altogether a delirium, yet it has many points in common
therewith.
*
Love is being stupid together.
*
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
*
Love means not ever having to say you're sorry.
*
Nothing is better for the spirit or body than a love affair.  It elevates
thoughts and flattens stomachs.
*
Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
*
I have fallen in love with all sorts of girls and I fully intend to go on
doing so.
*
I went out bicycling one afternoon, and suddenly, as I was riding along a
country road, I realized that I no longer loved Alys.
*
With the few words I wanted to assure that I love you and if you had been a
woman I would have concidered marrying you, although your head is full of
grey hairs, but as you are a man that possibility doesn't arise.
*
Love is so much better when you are not married.
*
One should always be in love.  That is the reason one should never marry.
*
A lover has all the good points and all the bad points which are locking
in a husband.
*
The less we love a women, the more we are loved by her.
*
There is a codeword which opens safes - it is LOVE.
*
Love letters are the campaign promises of the heart.
*
I was in love once when I was young.  But then I became attached to the
Bureau.
*
You can always get someone to love you -
even if you have to do it yourself.
*
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
*
When people have loved me I have been embarrassed.
*
The French boys will be naught.  Their minds do chiefly run on the
propagation of their race.
*
Once they call you a Latin Lover, you're in real trouble.  Women expect an
Oscar performance in bed.
*
For adult women wishing to marry, the best prospects are in Greenland.
*
Everything short of war, President Roosevelt promised the English by way of
help in the dark days of the blitz; in the same way, American girls are
liable to promise their beaux everything short of fornication.
*
Australia:  Where men are men and sheep are nervous.
*
You just leave those Russians to me, honey.  I'll take 'em all on,
a battalion at a time, and send them back to Omsk with their little
tails between their legs.
*
The Welsh are the only husbands to put their wives on their national flag.
*
What men call gallantry, and gods adultery, is much more common where the
climate's sultry.
*
The mind is an errogenous zone.
*
Were it not for imagination, a man would be as happy in the arms of a
chambermaid as of a duchess.
*
The finest bosom in nature is not so fine as what imagination forms.
*
Women fall in love through their ears and men through their eyes.
*
Male sexual response is far brisker and more automatic; it is triggered
easily by things, like putting a quarter in a vending machine.
*
All a writer has to do to get a woman is to say he's a writer.
It's an aphrodisiac.
*
Hair is another name for sex.
*
Being baldpate is an unfailing sex magnet.
*
Absinthe makes the parts grow stronger.
*
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
*
Instructions for the Best Positions on the Pianoforte.
*
There are nine and sixty ways of constructing tribal lays,
And - every - single - one - of - them - is - right!
*
Oral sex is a matter of taste.
*
Men like long nails - in old movies couples were always scratching each
other's backs.
*
Dancing is wonderful training for girls; it's the first way you learn to
guess what a man is going to do before he does it.
*
On dancing:  A perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
*
You know what comes between me and my Calvins?  Nothing!
*
To the average male there is seemingly nothing so attractive or so
challenging as a reasonably good-looking young mother who is married and
ALONE.
*
In the past a sexy woman was one who lay on a sofa like an odalisque,
smoking a cigarette.  Now she is an athletic woman.
*
Sweaty is sexy.
*
Women never look so well as when one comes in wet and dirty from hunting.
*
Long-legged girls are fascinating - built for walking through grass.
*
High heels were invented by a women who had been kissed on the forehead.
*
Only men who are not interested in women are interested in women's clothes;
men who like women never notice what they wear.
*
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
*
No woman [is] so naked as one you can see to be naked underneath her clothes.
*
The ends justify the jeans.
*
I knew I would like her when I saw how her backside moved under her red
satin skirt.
*
A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.
*
The girl had as many curves as a scenic railway.
*
I'm just naturally respectful of pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.
*
British boobs are the best in the world.
*
I was the first woman to burn mt bra - it took the fire department four days
to put it out.
*
If I hadn't had them, I would have had some made.
*
I really wish my bust was smaller.
*
Physical love, forbidden as it was twenty or thirty years ago, has now
become boringly obligatory.
*
And so to bed.
*
Don't ever have sex with someone in your office.  Wait until you get home.
*
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
trouble in the garden.
*
An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it,
the harder it gets.
*
I would not like to leave contraception on the long finger too long.
*
Love is two minutes fifty-two seconds of quishing noises.  It shows your
mind isn't clicking right.
*
Sex is best in the afternoon after coming out of the shower.
*
A women is a well-served table that one sees with different eyes before and
after the meal.
*
Masterbation is the thinking man's television.
*
Masturbation is coming unscrewed.
*
Don't knock masterbation - it's sex with someone you love.
*
Masterbation is great - and you don't have to take your hand out to dinner
afterwards and talk to it about its problems.
*
One thing about masterbation - you meet a better class of person.
*
Young farmer with 100 acres would be pleased to hear from young lady with
tractor.  Please send photograph of tractor.
*
On marriage:  The deep, deep peace of the double-bed after the hurly-burly
of the chaise longue.
*
If we take matrimony at its lowest, We regard it as a sort of friendship
recognized by the police.
*
Courtship is to marriage as a very witty prologue is to a dull play.
*
Marriage:  It begins with a prince kissing an angel.  It ends with a
baldheaded man looking across the table at a fat women.
*
Marriage:  It begins when you sink into his arms; and ends with your arms
in his sink.
*
Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.
*
Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the
remaining chapters in prose.
*
Marriage is a covered dish.
*
Marriage may be compared to a cage.  The birds outside despair to get in
and those within despair to get out.
*
Marriage: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master,
a mistress, and two slaves, making, in all, two.
*
I think marriage is a very personal thing.
*
If they only married when they fell in love most people would die unwed.
*
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays
and the other never forgets them.
*
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one
woman.
*
My son got his first part, playing a man who's been married for thirty years.
I told him to stick at it and next time he'd get a speaking part.
*
The most happy marriage I can picture... Would be the union of a deaf man to
a blind woman.
*
Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost
certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little care in this very
imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates.  But the
real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.
*
The best of all possible marriages is a seesaw in which first one then the
other partner is dominant.
*
Getting married is a serious matter for a girl; not getting married is even
more serious.
*
Marrieage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the
maximum of opportunity.
*
To have a women to lye with when one pleases, without running any risk of the
cursed expense of bastards... these are solid views of matrimony.
*
A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered
with sexm and all that sort of thing.
*
Every bride has to learn it's not her wedding but her mother's.
*
When an old man marries a young wife, he grows younger - but she grows older.
*
I have always thought that every woman should marry and no man.
*
If you marry you will regret it.  If you do not marry, you will also
regret it.
*
When two divorced people marry, four get into bed.
*
To marry a second time represents the triumph of hope over experience.
*
A man and a woman marry because both of them don't know what to do with
themselves.
*
Marriage:  It's like signing a 356-page contract without knowing what's in it.
*
The surest way to be alone is to get married.
*
The greatest thing about marriage is that it enables one to be alone without
feeling loneliness.
*
It is easier to be a lover than a husband, for the same reason that it is
more difficult to show a ready wit all day long than to say a good thing
occasionally.
*
Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.
*
I was married once - in San Francisco.  I haven't seen her for many years.
The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate.
There's no legal proof.  Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.
*
Marriage:  A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and
through the nose of the gentleman.
*
Most men fall in love with a pretty face but find themselves bound for life
to a hateful stranger, alternating endlessly between workshop and a witch's
kitchen.
*
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
*
I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.
*
All tragedies are finished by death,
All comedies are ended by a marriage.
*
Love-matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey,
to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar.
*
Advice to persons about to marry - DON'T!
*
Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards.
*
Men marry because they are tired; women marry because they are curious;
both are disappointed.
*
Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.
*
Marriage is a mistake every man should make.
*
Praise a wife but remain a bachelor.
*
They dream in marriage but in wedlock wake.
*
Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools
decoyed into our condition.
*
The only really happy people are married women and single men.
*
Greatest horror - dream I am married - wake up shrieking.
*
The critical period in matrimony is breakfast time.
*
In some countries being president is just an honorary position -
like being a husband in Hollywood.
*
One wife at a time is enough for most people.
*
The London season is entirely matrimonial; people are either hunting for
jusbands or hiding from them.
*
It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is ure to find next morning
that it was someone else.
*
So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes
three.
*
The first thrill of adultery is entering the house.  Everything there has
been paid for by the other man.
*
I don't think there are any men who are faithful to their wives.
*
I don't know of any young man, black or white, who doesn't have a girl friend
besides his wife.  Some have four sneaking around.
*
Adultery is a most conventional way to rise above the conventional.
*
Adultery in your heart is committed not only when you look with excessive
sexual desire at a woman who is not your wife, but also if you look in
the same manner at your wife.
*
I can't take dictation.  I can't type.  I can't even answer the phone.
*
A mistress should be like a little country retreat near the town;
not to dwell in constantly, but only for a night and away!
*
When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy.
*
I've looked on a lot of women with lust.  I've committed adultery in my
heart many times.  God recognizes I will do this and forgives me.
*
For my part I keep the commandments, I love my neighbour as myself, and
to avoid coveting my neighbour's wife I desire to be coveted by her;
which you know is quite another thing.
*
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands
a woman.  And behind her stands his wife.
*
When you have an affair with a married man, you hear a lot more about his
wife than you do about yourself.
*
Nowadays all the married men live like bachelors, and all the bachelors
live like married men.
*
I say I don't sleep with married men, but when I mean is that I don't sleep
with happily married men.
*
"Come, Come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life,
There's no excuse for this playing the rake -
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife" -
"Why, so it is, father - Whose wife shall I take?"
*
NO matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to
discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.
*
A lover teaches a wife all that her husband has concealed from her.
*
The prerequisite for a good marriage is the licence to be unfaithful.
*
A man can have two, maybe three, love affairs while he's married. But three
is the absolute maximum.  After that you're cheating.
*
In married life, three is company and two none.
*
Love, the quest; Marriage, the conquest; Divorce, the inquest.
*
Divorces are made in heaven.
*
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
*
The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is doubtless
a separation.
*
My wife got the house, the car, the bank account, and if I marry again and
have children, she gets them too.
*
It was partly my fault we got divorced.  I had a tendency to place my wife
under a pedestal.
*
Many a man owes his success to his first wife, and his second wife to
his success.
*
Alimony is the screwing you get for the screwing you got.
*
I am a marvellous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
*
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal
separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
*
It takes two to destroy a marriage.
*
Why is it when married couples separate, they so often tend to blame each
other for the very qualities that attracted them to each other in the
first place.
*
Nudge nudge, wink wink.  Say no more.  Know what I mean?
*
I don't see so much of Alfred at night any more since he got so interested
in sex.
*
I had cherished a profound conviction that her bringing me up by hand gave
her no right to bring me up by jerks.
*
Meredith had an unbounded enthusiasm for French letters.
*
The artist has won through his fantasy what he could only win in his
fantasy: honour, power, and the love of women.
*
I would rather go to bed with a cold cod than the Hon. Member for Perth
and Kinross (Nicholas Fairbairn).
*
The trouble with Ian (Fleming) is that he gets off with women because he
can't get on with them.
*
On Henry Kissinger:  Henry's idea of sex is to slow down to thirty miles
an hour when he drops you off at the door.
*
When the Earl of Lichfield said he was dropping her because 'she was no good
in the country': And he's no good in bed.
*
There are three things my brother Chico is always on: a phone, a horse,
or a broad.
*
They say a man is as old as the woman he feels.  In that case I'm eighty-
five.
*
Dudley Moore is a phallic thimble.
*
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
*
Marilyn Monroe?  A vacuum with nipples.
*
When pregnant:  It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.
*
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and she can't say 'no' in any of them.
*
Suggested epitaph for an available actress: She sleeps alone at last.
*
Of an available starlet:  She was the original good time that was had by all.
*
There's a lot of promiscuity about these days, and I'm all for it.
*
What is a promiscuous person?  It's usually someone who is getting more sex
than you are.
*
If all the young girls at the Yale Prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be
at all surprised.
*
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day and another in case it doesn't.
*
I don't want to see any faces at this party that I haven't sat on.
*
It's impossible to ravish me, I'm so willing.
*
Cannes is where you lie on the beach and look at the stars, or vice versa.
*
Our world had changed.  It's no longer a question of 'Does she or Doesn't
she?'  We all know she wants to, is about to, or does.
*
The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image
of fulfilment.
*
Chivalry:  going about releasing beautiful maidens from other men's castles,
and taking them back to your own castle.
*
This administration is going to do for sex what the last one (Eisenhower's)
did for golf.
*
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
*
I do alot of research, especially in the apartments of tall blondes.
*
Outside every thin girl there is a fat man trying to get in.
*
What is wrong with a little incest?  It is both handy and cheap.
*
The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
*
You should make a point of trying every experience once - except incest
and folk dancing.
*
I am fond of children (except boys).
*
Buggery is boring.
Incest is relatively boring.
Necrophilia is dead boring.
*
I was a beautiful little boy, and evryone had me - men, women, dogs and
fire hydrants.
*
Never do with your hands what you could do better with you mouth.
*
I regret to say that we at the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has some way obstructed interstate commerce.
*
Personally I have always felt (soixante-neuf) to be madly confusing, like
trying to pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time.
*
Sado-masochism means not having to say you are sorry.
*
I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.
*
There's nothing wrong with going to bed with somebody of your own sex...
People should be very free with sex - they should draw the line at goats.
*
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get the right
man and the right woman.
*
He was into animal husbandry - until they caught him at it.
*
Among the porcupines, rape is unknown.
*
There is no unhappier creature on earth than a fetishist who yearns for
woman's shoes and has to embrace the whole woman.
*
Certainly nothing is unnatural that is not physically impossible.
*
Some things can't be ravished.  You can't ravish a tin of sardines.
*
Nothing is so much to be shunned as sexual relations.
*
Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.
*
Niagara is only the second biggest disappointment of the standard honeymoon.
*
The first time is never the best.
*
On Maureen O'Hara:  She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth -
or anywhere else.
*
Take me or leave me.
Or as most people do: both.
*
When my bed is empty,
Makes me feel awful mean and blue.
My springs are getting rusty,
Living single like I do.
*
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
*
When I'm good, I'm very good.  When I'm bad, I'm better.
*
Thanks, I enjoyed every inch of it.
*
My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living-
room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.  I said I'd hire the
other two and take care of the bedroom bit.
*
There comes a point where every woman has to face up to being an old broad.
*
Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance.
*
Show me a naked girl and I'll show you how quickly I can go to sleep.
*
delighted you came, my dear, and I'd like you to know that you made a happy
man feel very old.
*
She offered her honour, I honoured her offer,
So all night long it was on her and off her.
*
Boy, am I exhausted!  I went on a double date last night and the other girl
didn't show up.
*
We have been on a working honeymoon.
*
When a woman tells him, "You are the greatest lover I have ever known":
Well, I practice a lot when I'm on my own.
*
On double beds v. single beds: It is not the wild, ecstatic leap across that
I deplore.  It is the weary trudge home.
*
Fight truth decay - brush up on your Bible every day!
*
Come in for a faith lift.
*
Seven prayerless days make one spiritually weak.
*
The Good Book has more chapters than the bad box had channels.
*
Come to Ch**ch.  What is missing?
*
It's impossible to lose your footing on your knees.
*
Jog to church and keep spiritually fit.
*
Bank on God for a higher rate of interest.
*
We have a normal husband and wife relationship - she is definitely the boss!
*
Include me out!
*
I do not mind what language an opera is sung in as long as it is a language
I do not understand.
*
Oh how wonderful, really wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
*
People are wrong when they say the opera isn't what it used to be.
It is what it used to be.  That's what's wrong with it.
*
The opera isn't over till the fat lady sings.
*
One goes to see a tragedy to be moved, to the opera one goes either for want
of any other interest or to facilitate digestion.
*
Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own
punishment with it.
*
Opera is like a husband with a foreign title: expensive to support, hard to
understand, and therefore a supreme social challenge.
*
I'd like to be a balanced human being, but I find that a very difficult goal.
*
Sir, I was told that the definition of a gentleman was a man who can play
bagpipes but doesn't.
*
No judge can ever say he's never made a mistake.  If he does he's a
complacent fool.
*
Famous?  I'm not famous.  Often people come on stage and say "Hello Steve!"
*
The spirella corset factory is closing because the bottom has dropped out
of the market.
*
Neutrality doesn't make sense - who are they being neutral against?
*
Now the All Blacks thunderbolt is moving slowly forward...
*
I'm not goning to predict what I'm gonna do, but I'm gonna come out there
the winner.
*
Whoever wins the first frame will be one frame up.
*
Mason has won none of his fights within the first round, and this isn't one
of them...
*
You say you've hit some dodgy ground.  Exactly what does that mean in
layman's terms?
*
The two super-powers cannot divide the world into their oyster.
*
Robson's lack of inspiration has been the cornerstone of United's weakness.
*
We didn't expect to be top, and that's a fact.  But football's not about
facts, it's about what happens.
*
A momentary moment of slackness...
*
I wouldn't pay a million pounds to be somewhere else tonight!
*
There you can see Sunday Silence, who's hidden by another horse...
*
Although a Canadian, Mario Martinez is, in fact, an Italian.
*
He comes at you rather like a fridge door opening with the light going on.
*
No fortune is better than mis-fortune.
*
I've got some years on my chest now, and the winds not blowing them off!
*
The problem is that there are so many people alive in the Soviet Union now
who gave their lives for that sort of thing.
*
And there he is sitting in exactly the same place on the other side of
the ring.
*
The hurdles we had to climb were traditionally untrodden... So we were
blazing new trails all the time.
*
Going through Jimmy White's mind now will be the winning post.
*
I once married a pair of legs which was a bad idea.
*
Vincent Van Gogh talked about having to drink for a whole summer to find a
certain shade of yellow.  I think he just couldn't find the tube the yellow
was in.
*
She is a real no-nonsense lady, a sort of a Harry Trueman in panty-hose.
*
He went down like a sack of potatoes, then made a meal of it...
*
It was a catch 50/50 situation really.
*
It was in this hall last week that an Indian weight-lifter picked up
three medals.
*
Being seven points behind gives you a definite psychological advantage.
*
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six.  One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
to the experience.
*
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five.  One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
*
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None of your damn business!
*
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50.  50?  Yeah 50; its in the contract.
*
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two.  One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
*
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
*
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  Thats a hardware problem.
*
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
*
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee (binary only).
*
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
get it done.
*
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None:  `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
*
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None of your damn business!
*
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None:  A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to
do it.
*
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
*
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two.  (Hint:  They are small enough to fit inside).
*
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
on strike!
*
Q: How many WASPs (Californians)  does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Silly, WASPs (Californians) don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in
hot tubs.
*
Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None:  The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
*
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1,000,001:  One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.
*
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five:  One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
*
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
*
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
*
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
*
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
*
Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor?  Gag me with a spoon!  For sure.
*
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
*
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
*
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Notes:  1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen.  The true Zen answer is
Four.  One to change the bulb.
*
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
*
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
how good the old light bulb was.
Notes:  This has also been said of Virginians.
*
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
*
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
*
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
*
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it.
*
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank",
and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists
of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
*
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
*
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
*
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  It turned itself in.
*
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven.  One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
*
Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  How many can you afford?
*
Q: How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The entire team!  And they all get a semester's credit for it!
*
Q:  How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None.  There never *was* any lightbulb.
Notes:  Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
*
Q:  how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
you knew how many.
*
Q:  How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
*
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n"!
*
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One third less than for a regular bulb.
*
Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
*
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
*
Q:  How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb.
*
Q:  How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb?
A:  45.  One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
*
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
give it a surprising twist at the end.
*
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
*
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
*
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
*
Q. How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A. 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
*
Q. How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
*
Q:  How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
*
A:  Five.  While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use
a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body.
Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for
Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light
fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high-
wattage model of his own design.  Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the
door in a laundry truck.  Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed,
we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the
United States.
*
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
*
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
the ship out of disgrace."
(Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight.  They
consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
*
Q:  How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
a light bulb?
A:  Many hands make light work.
*
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around
him.
*
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
third to shoot the witness.
*
Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
A: 1,622.  One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some
minor variation of it!
*
Q: How many sorority members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51.  One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb
being changed.
*
Q:  How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
*
Q:  How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
*
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items.  It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
*
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None.  Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
*
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and a second to hand our leaflets.
*
Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty
about having to call the cleaning lady?
*
Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Seventeen. One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the
bulb. One to hold him on the stepladder. Four to hold the stepladder steady.
One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other
bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee
break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking
into the apartment at night. One to drink martinis with the WASPs.
*
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three.
*
Q: How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and
worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room to go
to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress.
*
Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
*
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
*
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.
*
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them.
*
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One and a half.
*
Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
*
Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
*
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
*
Q: How many Sparts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: You can't CHANGE a light bulb!
*
Q. How many Data Flow people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Matching store overflow.
*
Q. How many Prolog people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. No.
*
Q. How many VDM (Formal Specification) people does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A. You mean lightbulbs fail?  In service?? Is that in the spec.???
*
Q. How many Real Manchester Programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None.  MUSS doesn't have lightbulbs.  And if it had, you couldn't access
them.
*
Q. How many Professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One. If you can find one.
*
Q. How many Formal Methods Academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 10. 9 to prove that the new bulb is consistent with the old bulb -
and one to screw it in.
*
Q. How many Formal Methods Pragmatists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 2. One to change the bulb and one to re-write the specification.
*
Q. How many Flagship (Research Group) people does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A. 30. One to hold the bulb and 29 to apply the room to the bulb.
*
Q. How many Technical staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Five. One to open stores, one to fetch the bulb, one to take the
old bulb out, one to put the new bulb in - and one to make the coffee.
*
Q. How many IPSE (Research Group) people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 100. 99 to discuss the implications of advanced generic rotational
protrusive-recessive interfaces (AGRPRI's) on illumination management
in the large, - and one to screw the bulb into the socket.
*
Q: How many Welshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 81. 30 to play rugby, 50 to form the choir and one to screw it in.
*
Q: How many Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 20. They don't need a lightbulb once the Radical Internal Screwing
Candle machine is re-invented.
*
Q: How many Senior Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 11. One to watch the lightbulb and ten to write the Esprit proposal
for the project that will culminate in the screwing in of the light
bulb.
*
Q. How many ICL experts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. er.... I'm sorry, Nic Holt is away today..
*
Q. How many Manchester postgraduates does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Just one.  He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around
him.
*
Q. How many SERC/ALVEY/ESPRIT project holders does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A. Just one, as long as there is a Research Assistant around to explain how
to do it.
*
Q. How many (Computer) Hardware Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Four.  One to smelt the tungsten, one to wind it into a coil, one to
blow the glass envelope, and one to fill it full of hot air!
*
Q.  How many Professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.  (*Censored*)
*
Q.  How many CS216 Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.  Two.  One to change the lightbulb, and one to explain why
the lightbulbs used locally don't follow the International
Standard 7-layer Lighting Model.
*
Q.  How many Electronics Lecturers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.  Only one.  (Hint: forming the Thevenin equivalent model of the
lightbulb is a good start.)
*
Q. How many Building Services People (New Telephone people) does it take
to change a lightbulb?
A. One to take the message, one to explain why Keith Hough is away on a
course, one to lose the yellow slip, one to tell the GEC engineer to
connect the wrong wires, one to remove Ursula's skirting board, one to
build a Departmental Database of bulbs that need changing, one to rekey
the information into an IBM PC, the man who knows why we can't use the
switchboard console at the moment, and.....
someone who remembers why we wanted lightbulbs in the first place.
*
And Clive Norling, running backwards, just like a football referee, looking
forwards to make sure nothing untoward was happening behind him.
*
I'm a forgotten man in his (Bobby Robson's) mind.
*
After this fight he (Kirkland Lang) can look himself in the face.
*
As long as the ball stays out of play, it's just eating into Manchester
United's hands.
*
Although he isn't as good as he was two years ago, now he's even better!
*
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it
is to leave her with no hard feelings.
*
Nothing improves with age.
*
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take
it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
*
Sex has no calories.
*
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
amount of trouble.
*
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
*
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
*
No sex with anyone in the same office.
*
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
how long it is going to last.
*
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
*
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
*
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.
*
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the
same ones she can't stand years later.
*
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
*
It is always the wrong time of month.
*
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
*
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
*
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
won't either.
*
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for
crop failure.
*
The younger the better.
*
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
*
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
caused the trouble in the garden.
*
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
*
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot
of frogs.
*
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
*
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
*
Love is a hole in the heart.
*
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone
into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on
the moon.
*
Do it only with the best.
*
